Ex Husband wants his Boyfriend to join us on Christmas Day

[Christmasissue25]

Hi all, I have name changed for this.

To give the backstory, my ex Husband came out about 18 months ago. Completely out of the blue. We have two young children together.

We were still living together last Christmas so all spent the day together and it was fine (but hard) as we put on a united front for our kids.

We want things to be as normal as possible for them this year too so we agreed some time ago that we’d spend Christmas morning together and all have lunch before he would leave.

He now has his own flat and moved out in the summer. He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out. He has introduced him to our children although they are too young really to know what’s going on.

He has called me this evening to say his boyfriend’s plans for Christmas have fallen through as he has been let down by family who have changed plans. So he’s not on his own until my ex leaves our house around 2pm, I’ve been asked if I’d mind him joining us for the lunch. He wouldn’t be there when the kids open presents.

I feel quite uncomfortable to be put in this position. I told him I’d need to think about it and let him know.

My AIBU is whether it would be wrong of me to say no to this?

Agree.

You can be amicable but don’t blur those boundaries. You’re not together.

Lol. No you wouldn't. You'd be laughed out of every court in the land.

Going against the grain here but I would include him in the lunch (if you’re on ok terms with your ex husband and he is paying his way and doing his fair share of childcare).
I would always rather spend the day with my children and not have to separate up in future. The time will come when you have a new partner and hopefully you can spend it together and get along and model healthy relationships for your children. Not easy of course but it’s what I would do.

I think once theee are new partners involved on either side, then it’s time to stop spending Christmas all together.

Why doesn’t your exh just come for the morning and the presents, and then join his boyfriend for lunch?

I get that it’s sad for the boyfriend to be alone, but 18 months is both a long time after separation to spend Christmas together and far too soon to be Ok with spending it with new partners alongside you.

I think it would confuse the kids to be with you all together too.

Apologies, I missed that the kids were adults. Still think it's unreasonable though.

I wish people would be a bit more forward thinking - it’s not that hard to get along for a day - you might even enjoy it.

I do think know anyone that would be comfortable spending their first Christmas since a split, with their ex and the person that they cheated with! 'Living as his true authentic self doesn't cancel out the betrayal

Oh come on. Wake up.

He is in a relationship with the man he was seeing after he came out.

Absolutely not

Ok, and where does that say he was cheating? It doesn't.

Happy to be corrected by OP if I'm wrong!

Just to clarify on a few points:

-Our children aren’t adults, they are 3 and 4.
-Ex didn’t cheat (to my knowledge(
-No signs he was gay during marriage, and he claims (well claimed in the aftermath) to still be physically attracted to women and is bisexual, but doesn’t ever want to be in a relationship with one again.

THE KIDS ARE NOT ADULTS

Why can't people actually read?!

You're the one saying he cheated because you apparently can't read OPs post.

Yes, believe it or not. Not sure I could do it, but they all seemed to find a way. Mind you, I also have a friend who puts her bastard ex up overnight so he can see their daughter because otherwise the arse claims he cant afford to come and see her (he moved away after the split).

I know a lot of really nice people. Nicer than I would be, anyway.

Nobody’s saying they can’t get along. But come on, it’s beyond a joke to expect this of your ex.

There’s being amicable, then there’s bringing your new relationship into the home of your previous marriage because, apparently a grown man can’t be alone at Christmas for a few hours. It’s not normal.

Absolutely fucking not.

OP may be kidding herself, but there's no way her husband hadn't been doing a little experimenting before deciding he was gay/bi.

Well that's breathtakingly homophobic of you.

We can but are responding to a different poster who had a related anecdote

I wouldn't bet on that.
A transwoman was taken to court for sexually assaulting a straight man due to sex by deception.

A woman was also taken to court by another woman, her friend, for passing herself off as a man on a dating app and while in bed with her "as a man".

Sex by deception is a form of rape.

Deliberately misleading a woman that you are straight when you know you are gay is utterly deceitful. It is also traumatizing for the woman to find out that her husband is sexually attracted to men not women.

I can just imagine the reaction here if the OP posted that her dh said he was unhappy in the marriage. As soon as he left he got into a relationship with a younger woman (who would believe the neat edges on that one?) and is now living with her and is it ok for her to come to xmas lunch at the wife's home. Because that will be lovely for the kids - right?

Can you imagine the reactions? something about gay men makes some women lose all sense.

You're not comfortable. Don't do it. It's Christmas for you, too.

My XH came out 7/8 years ago, has been with his BF 6 years (could be longer, lost count) and they've been living together for a while. So DC now live with both of them half the week.

After we separated, we agreed to go for dinner in a restaurant together on the DC's birthdays each year, so they would also get to see both of us, have a special occasion, and do it somewhere neutral.

I thought it should stay just the four of us as it's the one day (well, one day per DC) of the year that they get to have the original family unit together for something nice. But after his BF moved in, XH insisted that the BF should be included in these occasions because he's part of their family unit at XH's. For context , DC are now teens soit was really their choice. Anyway, BF started coming along.

I felt physically sick the first time and was struggling not to cry on my way to the restaurant, because I knew I had to be polite to XH (hard enough in itself a lot of the time) and also the BF, and look like I was enjoying myself in front of DC so I didn't spoil the birthday. And that was after a few years to get used to the situation!

There is a big difference between doing something together with the other parent for the sake of your DC and being expected to include a new partner. It changes the dynamic completely. For me, it also felt like the BF's presence was basically shoving it all my face and reliving the stress of finding out and the subsequent separation all over again.

You may get there with time, but it's very early days. You may find it hard saying no, but sometimes you really do have to put your own wellbeing first.

100% no I would not have my exs partner in my home, especially if they were the reason he left our family.

Er, not really? Just like it's very unlikely that a man who says he's "unhappy with his marriage", totally disengages, blames the wife, and then suddenly is with another woman a few weeks after leaving his wife, wasn't seeing the other woman already.

I wouldn't worry about saying no OP, I would be very surprised if the boyfriend even knows you've been asked - who would want to spend Christmas visiting their partners ex partner and kids?!
I'm sure bf would be happy with a lie in and a leisurely breakfast until your ex returned home! The issue is your ex not wanting to be seen as neglecting either his family or his partner, but that's your ex's issue to deal with.