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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed by hubby actions

241 replies

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 20:12

My hubby and I discussed getting out 3 teens and ourselves a very expensive gift on top of their Xmas pressie to celebrate end of a crappy year for us and him getting a new job. Few weeks back he said he’d decided he didn’t want to and would rather bank the money and maybe get them it next year. I agreed and left it at that ( although slightly gutted aswell ).
fast forward to today - he’s working away for a couple of days and I was in his office, which is also a the room- went to put the tree lights on and pulled on the cupboard door to pull cabinet forward so I could access the plug and cupboard door came open and inside I noticed 5 equal boxes wrapped in our individual wrapping paper , one for each, the kids and his labeled from Santa and mine labelled from him.
judging my size of the boxes I’m guessing they are what we’d decided we was gonna surprise them with but he changed his mind. Although it’s a lovely thought on his part I feel someone miffed that I’ve been left out of the large present giving and come xmas morning it’s gonna look like they was just from him and not me. I’m peri so never sure whether I’m being over sensitive. But it just feels like he discussed with me, then went behind my back and did it anyway and now the kids will remember it as the year dad surprised us with ….. not mum and dad.
AIBU? Should I say something now?

OP posts:
Nananaaaas · 02/12/2025 20:14

He wanted to surprise you. Make it magical for you. Instead you’re offended that he did a nice thing.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 02/12/2025 20:15

Don’t ruin a nice surprise.

JudgeBread · 02/12/2025 20:17

He's trying to do something nice and surprise you after a shit year, and you're getting pissy because you won't get any "credit"??

Yeah you're being over sensitive and silly.

Grumpynan · 02/12/2025 20:18

It really depends how he words it when giving them out, I would assume he wants to treat you all which is lovely.

Farmwifefarmlife · 02/12/2025 20:18

They are labelled form Santa not from dad so I don’t see how the kids will think they are from him?

Arlanymor · 02/12/2025 20:21

The kids ones say Santa on the tags, so no one is going to think they are just from him. Yours has his name because you don’t believe in Santa. He’s trying to surprise you and treat you all, which I think is very sweet actually. I hope you don’t spoil the surprise. I really can’t understand why you are miffed, honestly.

TheatricalLife · 02/12/2025 20:21

He was trying to be nice and surprise you, obviously. Don't ruin it. Being offended is silly and overly sensitive. He's even labelled them from Santa, it's not like he's playing Billy Big Bollocks.

lazyarse123 · 02/12/2025 20:26

Yadbu. I think he's tried to do a nice thing. He knows it's something everyone wants so wants it to be a surprise.

Greggsit · 02/12/2025 20:27

You're being ridiculous. He's trying to be nice and surprise you! And he's not taking credit, he's giving it to Santa.

Let him do something nice without moaning.

Yesimmoaningaboutbenefits · 02/12/2025 20:32

Did everyone just miss the part about 3 teens? I've yet to meet a teen who still believes in Santa!

Pippa12 · 02/12/2025 20:32

I think he’s trying to do something nice- especially as he labelled the gifts from Santa.

ADHDwifeHP · 02/12/2025 20:33

I would be miffed too! 😂 but I’d get over it

Hedgehogx · 02/12/2025 20:35

Men cant get anything right.

I think its sweet op dont make a big deal out of it.

TheatricalLife · 02/12/2025 20:40

Yesimmoaningaboutbenefits · 02/12/2025 20:32

Did everyone just miss the part about 3 teens? I've yet to meet a teen who still believes in Santa!

I write my tags to my 18 and 20 year old from Father Christmas. It's a joke.

Hankunamatata · 02/12/2025 20:42

He was trying to do something nice by sounds of it.

Original poster
Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 20:43

Wow - ok - the kids are 15 upwards and non believe in Santa just for the record.
so it would be blatantly obvious it’s just from him if I’m surprised aswell.
I guess I feel somewhat left out of the large present giving. I’m a housewife so don’t earn any money and already don’t feel valued as equal to him in our teens eyes with stuff they say and way they behave. His parents also treat our money as his and not mine. They thank him only when we pay for meals and take them away on holiday. Makes me feel invisible and demoted in my own marriage. I gave up my job so he could go smash his and I could ensure the kids had a stable parent at home constantly and somewhere along the line I’ve been seen by all as on par with the kids not the hubby. Hubby doesnt view me that way but is aware how I feel. I suppose I kinda feel like this action when he knows how I feel will amplify that. It’s not that I want the credit- but I don’t believe big gifts should be just seen as just from him and not both of us. He could have told me about the kids and suprised me with mine.
I think it’s wonderful he wants to suprise us.

OP posts:
Yesimmoaningaboutbenefits · 02/12/2025 20:44

TheatricalLife · 02/12/2025 20:40

I write my tags to my 18 and 20 year old from Father Christmas. It's a joke.

Show quote history

That's the point. 3 teens know the label saying 'from Santa' isn't Santa. Its from the parent. And it's usually obvious which parent. Labelling it from Santa doesn't disguise who it's from (as was suggested by various PPs)

Franklyannoyed · 02/12/2025 20:49

Goodness I think you need to address the very signficant issues in your marriage. Why don’t you try to get back into employment? You don’t need to be a housewife. If you’re struggling then go and work, earn some money, get some independence. He’s done a nice thing here and all you’re thinking about is the credit, and focusing on what the kids will think it’s from, if what you say is right, then they will know it was ultimately him anyway. So go get a job, earn some money, get it sorted.

Arlanymor · 02/12/2025 20:59

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 20:43

Wow - ok - the kids are 15 upwards and non believe in Santa just for the record.
so it would be blatantly obvious it’s just from him if I’m surprised aswell.
I guess I feel somewhat left out of the large present giving. I’m a housewife so don’t earn any money and already don’t feel valued as equal to him in our teens eyes with stuff they say and way they behave. His parents also treat our money as his and not mine. They thank him only when we pay for meals and take them away on holiday. Makes me feel invisible and demoted in my own marriage. I gave up my job so he could go smash his and I could ensure the kids had a stable parent at home constantly and somewhere along the line I’ve been seen by all as on par with the kids not the hubby. Hubby doesnt view me that way but is aware how I feel. I suppose I kinda feel like this action when he knows how I feel will amplify that. It’s not that I want the credit- but I don’t believe big gifts should be just seen as just from him and not both of us. He could have told me about the kids and suprised me with mine.
I think it’s wonderful he wants to suprise us.

It's nothing to do with the presents then - it is to do with how you feel about your status in the family given that you don't do a paid job, but you do perform a crucial role. To be fair to all the posters - this is a fairly massive dripfeed and if you had explained this from the start, we all could have understood better.

As I say, this is nothing to do with presents. There is a much bigger issue with how your family - including your children - view your contribution to the household, which doesn't to be financial to be important. Time to address this?

OneLovingDog · 02/12/2025 21:03

I get your point op. You discussed it with him before and he changed his mind, so its not really a nice surprise for you is it? And he absolutely will get all the credit.

Original poster
Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 21:08

Yeah I prob should have put that in the post. I think it’s a genuinely lovely gesture and if our household dynamic was any different it probably wouldn’t bother me. But I already feel invisible, unequal and feel this will amplify this. The kids make snide jokey remarks about how it’s dads money not mine and has dad paid my wage yet. They’re joking but it’s been constant for about 4 years. When we go on holiday they ask if I’m getting holiday pay etc etc .
then the other week my hubby was telling out Austic teen off for being really loud on a morning whilst getting ready for college and they said “ only mum was in bed and she isn’t important as she doesn’t work” I know they meant as in I could go back to sleep if I wanted but it’s how it comes across when said. Whenever I have to speak to them about money, if I’ve bought something and they aren’t looking after it for instance, I’m reminded how dad bought it not me. It isn’t constant and it’s kinda done in yesterday but it’s happening enough that over past 4 years it’s worn me down- add his parents to the mix and gradually over the past 4 years they’ve stopped referring to our money as ours and as his and only thank him when we go out for meals if we take them on holiday. The kids always forget to thank us both and just thank him- I feel
petty for reminding them. But it hurts and I feel this will just add to it. My hubby doesn’t view me as less equal a was happy to speak to his parents for me but I feel it will be awkward as I have a really good relationship with them. 2 out of my 3 children are neurodivergent so don’t have much filter. But my hubby is absolutely impulsive and doesn’t think before he speaks of acts sometimes and contributes by making decisions before speaking to me about stuff.

OP posts:
searchforthesun · 02/12/2025 21:13

Go back to work if you feel like that. Teens are at school, what do you do all day?
Change something and work on your self worth, you don’t need to do what you’ve always done.
its not great that your kids view you that way, it’s very disrespectful. I think you need to address that or they will grow up thinking a woman’s place is at home while the man earns the money. They clearly have no respect for what you do, go back to work and let them fend for themselves a bit more.

Gfdeh · 02/12/2025 21:17

This is not normal family dialogue.
Its ugly, disrespectful and plain nasty.
I am a SAHM and this wouldn't happen more than once and it would be firmly dealt with.

Why are you and your husband tolerating such rudeness?

Your children read as deeply unpleasant.
Why would you not down tools 100%?
No food, laundry, lifts?

Why didn't you pick up any job and stop doing anything for such awful teens.

I repeat, not normal from your children or husband.

Unfathomable that you would tolerate being spoken to like that.

Gfdeh · 02/12/2025 21:20

Regarding the gift, I would be deeply unhappy with his actions.

You agreed one tbing and he did otherwise.
Your children are following his lead as are your rude in laws.
I wouldn't be hosting them.

You clearly have huge self-esteem issues to tolerate all of this.

Not normal at all.

Arlanymor · 02/12/2025 21:34

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 21:08

Yeah I prob should have put that in the post. I think it’s a genuinely lovely gesture and if our household dynamic was any different it probably wouldn’t bother me. But I already feel invisible, unequal and feel this will amplify this. The kids make snide jokey remarks about how it’s dads money not mine and has dad paid my wage yet. They’re joking but it’s been constant for about 4 years. When we go on holiday they ask if I’m getting holiday pay etc etc .
then the other week my hubby was telling out Austic teen off for being really loud on a morning whilst getting ready for college and they said “ only mum was in bed and she isn’t important as she doesn’t work” I know they meant as in I could go back to sleep if I wanted but it’s how it comes across when said. Whenever I have to speak to them about money, if I’ve bought something and they aren’t looking after it for instance, I’m reminded how dad bought it not me. It isn’t constant and it’s kinda done in yesterday but it’s happening enough that over past 4 years it’s worn me down- add his parents to the mix and gradually over the past 4 years they’ve stopped referring to our money as ours and as his and only thank him when we go out for meals if we take them on holiday. The kids always forget to thank us both and just thank him- I feel
petty for reminding them. But it hurts and I feel this will just add to it. My hubby doesn’t view me as less equal a was happy to speak to his parents for me but I feel it will be awkward as I have a really good relationship with them. 2 out of my 3 children are neurodivergent so don’t have much filter. But my hubby is absolutely impulsive and doesn’t think before he speaks of acts sometimes and contributes by making decisions before speaking to me about stuff.

Things need a massive reset - it's awful that your children say these things, but worse that this is their 'world view' of SAHMs in general. Why has this been allowed to happen? It's horrible that it is happening in your house - I really, really feel for you following your updates - but also they are going to take their views out into their adult lives when they leave home, which is also awful.

I think you and your husband need to agree an approach so that from the new year this doesn't happen anymore and that shitty attitudes have consequences. It's for him to deal with his parents (and it sounds like he does try to do that) but it's for both of you to provide a united front with your children and honestly lay down the law. They are disrespectful towards you and not only that, it's clearly having a lasting and damaging impact on you. Please speak to your husband about sorting out a reset for the new year and one, as I say, which has consequences if the children fall back into bad habits.

I would also be looking for some part time work given their ages - both so that you have some money which is your own, but so that you can push back even harder against this horrible attitude that you're somehow less than.

I am so sorry that your children are treating you like this - it needs to stop.