To be miffed by hubby actions

[Tacobelle111]

My hubby and I discussed getting out 3 teens and ourselves a very expensive gift on top of their Xmas pressie to celebrate end of a crappy year for us and him getting a new job. Few weeks back he said he’d decided he didn’t want to and would rather bank the money and maybe get them it next year. I agreed and left it at that ( although slightly gutted aswell ).
fast forward to today - he’s working away for a couple of days and I was in his office, which is also a the room- went to put the tree lights on and pulled on the cupboard door to pull cabinet forward so I could access the plug and cupboard door came open and inside I noticed 5 equal boxes wrapped in our individual wrapping paper , one for each, the kids and his labeled from Santa and mine labelled from him.
judging my size of the boxes I’m guessing they are what we’d decided we was gonna surprise them with but he changed his mind. Although it’s a lovely thought on his part I feel someone miffed that I’ve been left out of the large present giving and come xmas morning it’s gonna look like they was just from him and not me. I’m peri so never sure whether I’m being over sensitive. But it just feels like he discussed with me, then went behind my back and did it anyway and now the kids will remember it as the year dad surprised us with ….. not mum and dad.
AIBU? Should I say something now?

Whew! Having a read a lot of MN lately, I am relieved to know that you found ... Christmas presents when you went looking in an unusual place. I was fully braced for ... (texts from Jeffrey E, Ghislaine and Andrew M-W at best ... )

That said, please do address your position in the family in the new year. Your DH must step up and give you credit by pointing out repeatedly that, 'Because Mummy does xxx, I/we can all do yyy' (e.g. plans, shops and cooks nice dinner; checks when you need PE kit). He should be championing you to them all since he knows that you are picking up all the slack. (and MIL is totally at fault since if anyone knows how hard a wife/mother works, surely she does.)

It's tragic but typical that your DCs and PiLs don't recognise that you play an essential part in making everything work. At a minimum, as per MN advice, book yourself on a few days away and let them twist when they have to cope with all the essential background support they haven't appreciated lately. (I'm not sure anyone actually does this but the concept is a good one; occasionally I have gone away for a week or so and my lovely DDs have been EVER so grateful to have me back)

@Gfdeh , it's not low self-esteem necessarily. It happens in tiny increments like death by a thousand cuts: first this, then that, then another and suddenly you don't recognise where you have ended up; sadly, it happens to (intelligent, educated) women all the time. You love your DH and DCs so are happy to support them.

It’s the truth though. You don’t earn any money, I know your husbands money is divided between you but you don’t actually earn any money.

This is one of those situations where you have very large, seemingly reasonable feelings about a large issue in your relationships with your DH and children and it's causing you to react in a rather unreasonable way to something that shouldn't be an issue (the labeling of the gifts).

It sounds like he was trying to create a fun surprise, here, and I would be careful not to attach negative intentions to it unfairly. Your DH deliberately didn't mark the DC's gifts as from him and based on what you've said your DC would treat a gift labeled as "from mum and dad" as paid for by him anyways.

Address the underlying issue. You've described some really awful things your teens say to you. How do you and your DH respond to that unacceptable behavior? What could you do as a team to create a change? How can your DH be more supportive of you around his parents?

So you class me as less equal because I don’t contribute financially aswell?

I think that any poor soul who is referred to as "hubby" ought to be able to do whatever he pleases!

You need to address how your children speak to you. That’s the major problem, not the surprise present from your husband.

The issue is that her children and her in-laws are conflating money with value. And that is a huge issue and is coming with a massive slice of disrespect on the side.

It is odd that your kids have been in school for over 10 years but you have chosen not to work. What's stopping you?

I see OP why you would be unpleasantly surprised. Everything around it builds a picture of your husband making a financial decision that is just from him again. I can’t believe your teens make those types of remarks regarding finances too. Are they working full-time and financially independent on their own? Probably not. They should be grateful to have what they do and it comes from both parents. That disrespect needs to be worked on.

I grew up on a house where my mum didn’t work and while it was known my dad earned the money, my mum did everything else (and I believe it’s harder doing that versus working, as now I’m a full-time working mum to a small child and I got to work for a holiday in some ways - much less mental strain especially). Presents were always seen as from Santa and even though we know my dad brought in the money it was never his versus her in money. It was always from both.

It’s not a minor gripe it’s a big deal. I agree if possible that you could find a job now maybe you could save enough to even contemplate leaving the marriage eventually. It doesn’t sound like a happy one. Just having your own place no matter how small (a tiny studio apartment), and a job you can go to, will be freedom. Maybe think about it as your teens are older and hopefully go off into the world, you could get a job now, save and then say bye - won’t be back!

OP has made it possible for her DH to earn money and have a family…it’s a huge contribution and gift at her own expense

What’s stopping me is that I do everything here so my husband can purely concentrate on everything work wise. He works away a lot.
if I went back to work he would be expected to contribute to the housework and he wouldn’t have the time. He has a stressfull demanding job. We are able to go away on holiday every school holiday and weeks in between on our own now they’re older if we choose to. If I went back to work I wouldn’t have that much holiday to do that.
I could very easily go back to work - but financially we don’t need it and our lifestyle would change drastically. I did go back to work for 3 years about 10 years ago and it simply didn’t work for the lifestyle we wanted. He hated the fact we couldn’t go away whenever he wanted and he really doesn’t want me to go back to work.
honest answer- that’s why!

What’s the present? Could you be mistaken?

It’s a term we call each other hubby and wifey.

Why would your kids thank you both for paying for a meal when it's his money which paid for it?

They should thank you for stuff like doing their clothes washing or whatever but it's a bit mad imo to think they should thank you for his wages!

Well you and DH need to pulling up the DC about their comments. Every single time. It’s rude, disrespectful and demeaning.

same with DH, he doesn’t need to have a chat. Just every time his parents thank him he says it’s from you both.

separately do you think your self esteem would be helped by getting back out there. In paid work OR volunteering your skill set. Feeling useful and needed outside of a caretaking role?

studying, retraining, but something that is yours that engages your mind ?

So I guess come Xmas they should not bother thanking me for their Xmas presents at all then … or birthday presents or anything else whatsoever that is financially paid for by my husband.

OP, I'm not sure that arguing with the small minority of posters who don't understand the concept of joint finances in a marriage where one parent is a SAHP is worth your time.

You and your DH have agreed on joint finances and a division of labor between you and you've said that both you and he consider your family money to be joint. That's a settled arrangement - neither your teens nor random strangers on the internet get to overrule you and your DH's decisions and views about your finances.

Focus on what needs to change regarding your teens' completely unacceptable behavior and attitude and what you need your DH to do to better support you with his parents. What happens when your teens say things like you've described? Do both you and your DH pull them up on it? Are there consequences for continuing to make those comments?

Presents are a bit different if you helped to choose them but yeah pretty much if he buys or pays for something I don't think they should thank you. They shouldn't be rude about you not working though.
If you spend all day doing something for them, say you tidied their bedrooms on your own, washed all their clothes and repaired a broken item for them, would you expect them to thank your husband for doing that?

I would sit with this for a bit and not react for the time being. You know where this feeling of not being seen as one of the providers is coming from. But you also know he’s aware of it and doesn’t see it that way. So it’s your own trigger and internal voice.

I’m also pretty sure your children will know all you have done over the years for the family, they aren’t little kids. So I don’t think the tag on the present is going to have the emphasis you think it will.

Your husband has done a lovely thing and wants to surprise you and the kids. None of that was done with the intention of malice and hurt. I’d try to focus on the family joy on Christmas morning and the fact that after all these years that he still places big effort on being someone who shows up that way.

Also you probably need to work on your self worth /perception a little. You have given and done so much for your family, it doesn't matter if it wasn’t via filling a bank account, sending love.

@Tacobelle111 I think you should pull your kids up if they say that stuff and so should DH. My Mum stayed at home although sometimes did my Dad’s books. But they were a real team and I never considered Mum as less in any way. My Dad would have set me straight if I’d shown any signs of that. Mum’s contribution wasn’t financial but it was of equal value. Dad couldn’t have done what he did without her support?

I know. Some people are never fucking satisfied.

It does sound like your husband wants to take credit for the gifts and further reinforce the unpleasant attitude your children have that money isn't shared between their parents.

If he hasn't created that amosphere in your home, who has?

It feels shitty to me too OP. Men love to be the saviours and the one that everyone is grateful to don’t they?

op, pretend you haven’t seen them and have the pre Christmas talk- darling do I need to remind you that Christmas presents are from both of us to your parents and our kids? I don’t want to feel this Christmas like the housekeeper again which I have in the past, last Christmas I decided I will get a job again and you have to do more at home if this Christmas looks like that. It’s either ours and presents are from us or it’s yours and you don’t actually value me either.

I doubt the kids comments came from nowhere, I’d expect my dh to put them on full house duties for a week if any of our kids were so bloody entitled as to say those things. I think it must be him too, where else would they have learnt it?

He is doing something nice and the DC presents are from Santa not him so not sure why this is a problem - Santa will be getting the credit not him. YABVU