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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed by hubby actions

241 replies

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 20:12

My hubby and I discussed getting out 3 teens and ourselves a very expensive gift on top of their Xmas pressie to celebrate end of a crappy year for us and him getting a new job. Few weeks back he said he’d decided he didn’t want to and would rather bank the money and maybe get them it next year. I agreed and left it at that ( although slightly gutted aswell ).
fast forward to today - he’s working away for a couple of days and I was in his office, which is also a the room- went to put the tree lights on and pulled on the cupboard door to pull cabinet forward so I could access the plug and cupboard door came open and inside I noticed 5 equal boxes wrapped in our individual wrapping paper , one for each, the kids and his labeled from Santa and mine labelled from him.
judging my size of the boxes I’m guessing they are what we’d decided we was gonna surprise them with but he changed his mind. Although it’s a lovely thought on his part I feel someone miffed that I’ve been left out of the large present giving and come xmas morning it’s gonna look like they was just from him and not me. I’m peri so never sure whether I’m being over sensitive. But it just feels like he discussed with me, then went behind my back and did it anyway and now the kids will remember it as the year dad surprised us with ….. not mum and dad.
AIBU? Should I say something now?

OP posts:
latenightscrolling · 04/12/2025 22:31

I’m struggling to see the difference it would make if you had an agreed jointly to do this and hand over the wrapped 3 kids gifts (and not open yours) or open 5 together. The attitude is ingrained that ‘Dad buys stuff’ and gets the credit. So I’m genuinely confused as to the difference!

Curryingfavour · 04/12/2025 22:33

I see where you’re at , your children ought to have a bit more respect for you because I’m assuming you’re doing absolutely everything for them and around the house .
I ended up being at home and not earning for multiple reasons .

  1. youngest of 4 is disabled
  2. no real support network
  3. no paid help
  4. multiple house moves many of them overseas where I wasn’t entitled to a working visa so couldn’t work then
  5. moved around to different parts of the UK too and had to start all over again settling kids in , setting up home again. And yet all I have done / do is completely invalidated by certain people
IamnotSethRogan · 04/12/2025 22:34

To be fair, from what you've said, they wouldn't have thought it was from you anyway?

I just think he was trying to do a nice thing for all of you. Feels harsh that due to your hang ups you'd be annoyed about that.

Rosealea · 04/12/2025 22:37

He wants to surprise you too. It's a lovely thought and you can easily say in front of the kids that you'd discussed it.

oobedobe · 04/12/2025 22:44

The present issue is slightly separate - sounds like he just wanted to surprise you all, but there is no way your kids and DH should be disrespecting you and the role you play in family life.

I work part-time but am essentially a SAHM, my DC or DH would never 'joke' or suggest that our money is DH's or he pays for everything - even though that may be true - we are a partnership. You need to teach your kids (and possibly DH) to appreciate and respect YOUR contributions of time, organization, support etc

LeopardPants · 04/12/2025 23:02

Muffinmam · 03/12/2025 03:11

There’s zero reason that you shouldn’t be back at work already. You don’t have young children and no one is special needs.

It sounds like you resent your husband.

Also, the gift isn’t from you. You don’t earn an income. It sucks - but that’s the way it is.

Your almost adult children would have no illusions as to who funded the gifts.

You need to spend less time on mumsnet and more time focusing on re-entering the workforce.

Show quote history

What a rude and bizarre response!!! If they can afford for her to not work and it suits their lifestyle then why should she?! Because people like you are jealous of those that actually don’t need a job? As a reminder - the vast majority of people work to earn money… Not for the sheer love of it. Of course there are some exceptions. But if you don’t need the money and it suits them for her not to work then why should she!

Doesnt come across to me like she resents her husband at all.

Regardless of whether she works or not, the kids sound rude as fuck. They need to address that asap.

VegemiteOnToast · 04/12/2025 23:55

The presents are from you both (given your contribution to the house and your husband's career) and should be labelled as such. I just put stocking gifts as Santa gifts for teens.

Your husband also needs to verbally intervene any time one of the kids makes a disparaging remark about you and what you bring to the home. It's outrageous behaviour by the kids.

OP as long as you are fulfilled too and get to pursue hobbies, see friends etc and aren't just a slave to your family it sounds like it suits your relationship to have one SAHP.

VegemiteOnToast · 04/12/2025 23:57

BarbarasRhabarberba · 04/12/2025 22:22

Well if they’re anything like me they won’t change how they feel. I’m in my 30s and my mum stayed at home till I was in primary school then worked part time on and off in low skilled, badly paid jobs. All I see when I look at my parents is a misogynist twat who can’t boil an egg (dad) and a pitiful idiot who lost any kind of choice and autonomy (mum). I don’t feel an ounce of gratitude or respect towards her for staying home or towards my dad for earning the money. I think that dynamic sets a terrible example tbh of men holding all the financial cards and that wrongly exempting them from household chores and parenting, and women always putting themselves last. If my partner was a SAHP and we had kids in mid-late teens I wouldn’t tolerate that either. But then I’d never think that having a job meant I needed a stay at home servant. You need to go back to work for your own sake.

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How nasty towards your mother.

BarbarasRhabarberba · 05/12/2025 00:04

VegemiteOnToast · 04/12/2025 23:57

How nasty towards your mother.

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I hold both parents in equal contempt.

TediousMansplainer · 05/12/2025 00:53

I don't get this, I agree with OP but it seems nearly everyone else doesn't? Woman wants to make a decision about something together with her husband. Instead, husband takes decision himself, without consulting her. Why would she not be annoyed, that's not how it should work surely (I am a man, if that is relevant).

WiddlinDiddlin · 05/12/2025 02:29

@Tacobelle111 I think it's time you got yourself a part time job - not for the financial input, but so that they start to see what you actually do around the house and for them.

Drop the rope a bit, and have some serious talks 'Dad can do x, because I do y, it's part of working together as a team. It isn't the only way to maintain a relationship and raise kids but it is the way we're doing it.'

Asides from anything else, they're being fucking rude and liable at this rate to grow up thinking someone else will do their washing, pick up their pants, do all their life admin, without any appreciation for that time and effort!

Start them doing some of their own chores - laundry, vacuuming, washing up/emptying dishwasher etc.

Go out to a part time job a few times a week, ideally when it means they'll need to fend for themselves a bit more - teach them to cook and then set them up cooking for each other/themselves/the whole family.

Having a part time job that you enjoy, gets you out of the house, thinking about something else, interacting with other people and being seen as a human in your own right rather than just Mum or Wifey is also good for your mental health.

notallwhowanderare · 05/12/2025 04:32

You very definitely NEED to get a job and your own money.

SweetnsourNZ · 05/12/2025 04:34

Yesimmoaningaboutbenefits · 02/12/2025 20:32

Did everyone just miss the part about 3 teens? I've yet to meet a teen who still believes in Santa!

I think he's just doing that so he doesn't look like he's taking the credit because he already knows how OP would react to that.

SweetnsourNZ · 05/12/2025 04:45

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 20:43

Wow - ok - the kids are 15 upwards and non believe in Santa just for the record.
so it would be blatantly obvious it’s just from him if I’m surprised aswell.
I guess I feel somewhat left out of the large present giving. I’m a housewife so don’t earn any money and already don’t feel valued as equal to him in our teens eyes with stuff they say and way they behave. His parents also treat our money as his and not mine. They thank him only when we pay for meals and take them away on holiday. Makes me feel invisible and demoted in my own marriage. I gave up my job so he could go smash his and I could ensure the kids had a stable parent at home constantly and somewhere along the line I’ve been seen by all as on par with the kids not the hubby. Hubby doesnt view me that way but is aware how I feel. I suppose I kinda feel like this action when he knows how I feel will amplify that. It’s not that I want the credit- but I don’t believe big gifts should be just seen as just from him and not both of us. He could have told me about the kids and suprised me with mine.
I think it’s wonderful he wants to suprise us.

Sounds like you are suffering from low self esteem which isn't unusual for housewives, especially as the children get older. Maybe it is time for you to start looking ahead and finding something to give you a boost. Even a p/t job can help and if he is a high earner you maybe able to keep that money for you to treat yourself and family as you please.
Or something else that will give you a lift.
Your children probably appreciate you more than you realise but you are just feeling restless, which is typical at your stage of life.
As for your in laws, they are older generation so don't take that personally.

SweetnsourNZ · 05/12/2025 05:02

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 21:08

Yeah I prob should have put that in the post. I think it’s a genuinely lovely gesture and if our household dynamic was any different it probably wouldn’t bother me. But I already feel invisible, unequal and feel this will amplify this. The kids make snide jokey remarks about how it’s dads money not mine and has dad paid my wage yet. They’re joking but it’s been constant for about 4 years. When we go on holiday they ask if I’m getting holiday pay etc etc .
then the other week my hubby was telling out Austic teen off for being really loud on a morning whilst getting ready for college and they said “ only mum was in bed and she isn’t important as she doesn’t work” I know they meant as in I could go back to sleep if I wanted but it’s how it comes across when said. Whenever I have to speak to them about money, if I’ve bought something and they aren’t looking after it for instance, I’m reminded how dad bought it not me. It isn’t constant and it’s kinda done in yesterday but it’s happening enough that over past 4 years it’s worn me down- add his parents to the mix and gradually over the past 4 years they’ve stopped referring to our money as ours and as his and only thank him when we go out for meals if we take them on holiday. The kids always forget to thank us both and just thank him- I feel
petty for reminding them. But it hurts and I feel this will just add to it. My hubby doesn’t view me as less equal a was happy to speak to his parents for me but I feel it will be awkward as I have a really good relationship with them. 2 out of my 3 children are neurodivergent so don’t have much filter. But my hubby is absolutely impulsive and doesn’t think before he speaks of acts sometimes and contributes by making decisions before speaking to me about stuff.

That's not on. Your husband needs to pull them up on that. It's probably because housewives aren't as common as they used to be. You and your husband need to get on the same page here, as your children shouldn't be disrespecting you whether you are a housewife or a CEO.
Do your children do chores? If not, maybe get them cooking and cleaning.

SweetnsourNZ · 05/12/2025 05:05

3luckystars · 02/12/2025 21:41

It’s the truth though. You don’t earn any money, I know your husbands money is divided between you but you don’t actually earn any money.

That's actually none of the children's business though, so they shouldn't be nasty about it. They should be grateful they had their mum at home and the benefits that brought them.

SweetnsourNZ · 05/12/2025 05:13

Ohnobackagain · 02/12/2025 22:40

@Tacobelle111 I think you should pull your kids up if they say that stuff and so should DH. My Mum stayed at home although sometimes did my Dad’s books. But they were a real team and I never considered Mum as less in any way. My Dad would have set me straight if I’d shown any signs of that. Mum’s contribution wasn’t financial but it was of equal value. Dad couldn’t have done what he did without her support?

Same. What sort of man let's anyone disrespect his wife, especially children.

tripleginandtonic · 05/12/2025 05:20

Do the children and his parents thank you both for things that just you do lije cooking a meal for eg?

Ivy888 · 05/12/2025 05:27

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 21:08

Yeah I prob should have put that in the post. I think it’s a genuinely lovely gesture and if our household dynamic was any different it probably wouldn’t bother me. But I already feel invisible, unequal and feel this will amplify this. The kids make snide jokey remarks about how it’s dads money not mine and has dad paid my wage yet. They’re joking but it’s been constant for about 4 years. When we go on holiday they ask if I’m getting holiday pay etc etc .
then the other week my hubby was telling out Austic teen off for being really loud on a morning whilst getting ready for college and they said “ only mum was in bed and she isn’t important as she doesn’t work” I know they meant as in I could go back to sleep if I wanted but it’s how it comes across when said. Whenever I have to speak to them about money, if I’ve bought something and they aren’t looking after it for instance, I’m reminded how dad bought it not me. It isn’t constant and it’s kinda done in yesterday but it’s happening enough that over past 4 years it’s worn me down- add his parents to the mix and gradually over the past 4 years they’ve stopped referring to our money as ours and as his and only thank him when we go out for meals if we take them on holiday. The kids always forget to thank us both and just thank him- I feel
petty for reminding them. But it hurts and I feel this will just add to it. My hubby doesn’t view me as less equal a was happy to speak to his parents for me but I feel it will be awkward as I have a really good relationship with them. 2 out of my 3 children are neurodivergent so don’t have much filter. But my hubby is absolutely impulsive and doesn’t think before he speaks of acts sometimes and contributes by making decisions before speaking to me about stuff.

Why do you accept these remarks? It doesn’t matter if you work or not, these remarks are rude and disrespectful and you need to tell your kids this EVERY TIME. Teens can be rude, but it’s our job as parents to teach them this is not ok. It’s called teaching them manners. As it’s being going on for a while (and they’re older) you need to sit them down and tell them how hurtful and disrespectful their remarks are and that you demand it stops right now. And if it continues give it the same consequences as when they are rude to their teachers or their grandparents (or do you also just let that slide?)

Also, for your self esteem get a job! The kids are all older than 15. You no longer need to be a SAHM. You are feeling judged by everyone for not earning money. It doesn’t matter if you earn money or not, but your self esteem IS very important and it’s clear that your self esteem is connected to earning money or not. So go out and get a job!

as for the presents: I think it’s really sweet that your husband decided to treat you all!

Baffy11 · 05/12/2025 06:13

YABVU. You sound insecure and overly defensive about your decision to remain a SAHM even though your kids are old enough for you to work. Time to get a job, and earn your own money, if you feel like this.

SweetnsourNZ · 05/12/2025 06:19

Sahara123 · 02/12/2025 22:59

They’re teenagers , I think they’ll probably work it out ..

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Think this would have worked if we were going by the 1st post. But then we hear how the children have been treating her. Personally I wouldn't feel like giving them anything if they were mine. They sound spoilt and disrespectful.

SweetnsourNZ · 05/12/2025 06:26

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 23:32

I have half our savings in my own bank account saving account as we got better interest in our personal accounts than our joint. So I do have access to our money. I take an agreed sum of money out of joint bank account and transfer into my personal one for anything home and child related each month. Any big purchases we decide together and we budget for them out of his wage each month. Smaller house stuff I can get at my leisure out of the money I take each month. He chooses not to take any money out of his wage as he has a visa and uses that for everything and anything workwise he pays off it with his expenses money.

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That covers family expenses. What about if you want something for yourself. Is the permission level the same? Do you feel you have to justify everything you buy for yourself, go without or feel guilty about spending "his" money? If so, you really need to reassess your situation.

SweetnsourNZ · 05/12/2025 06:42

nomas · 02/12/2025 23:05

It's clear he is a glory hogger who wants the presents to be just from him. That was apparent from your first post.

I would speak to him and tell him that there is already a toxic environment in the home where the kids don't value your contribution and he is compounding this by acting like Lord Benevolent and you as the meek housewife.

Remind him that he has only been able to build his business because you have been an unpaid nanny and household manager.

And change that wrapping paper and tags to reflect that the gifts are from both of you.

Once you and DH are on the same page, tackle the toxic views from your dc, their attitude to you is shocking.

He is probably proud of the fact that he has worked hard and can provide nice things for his family. Just like a housewife would be proud of her achievements in the kitchen etc so I get that. But the children need to know it's a joint effort to give them their good life.

teletubs · 05/12/2025 06:56

Your kids shouldn’t be getting anything this year if that’s their attitude towards their mum ! Does your dh pull them up on this?!

SweetnsourNZ · 05/12/2025 07:09

PoppyFleur · 03/12/2025 06:43

This is excellent advice.

Your children are being disrespectful and need to feel the consequences of their actions. You are being too meek and mild, you are undervaluing yourself and your contributions - and teaching them to do the same.

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The dad actually has to take the children to task on his own, using phrases such as my wife, rather than your mother and letting them know that he wont tolerate any disrespect to you. Your children see you as too much of a target fir you to deal with it. Tbh, they are bullying you in your own home.