To be miffed by hubby actions

[Tacobelle111]

My hubby and I discussed getting out 3 teens and ourselves a very expensive gift on top of their Xmas pressie to celebrate end of a crappy year for us and him getting a new job. Few weeks back he said he’d decided he didn’t want to and would rather bank the money and maybe get them it next year. I agreed and left it at that ( although slightly gutted aswell ).
fast forward to today - he’s working away for a couple of days and I was in his office, which is also a the room- went to put the tree lights on and pulled on the cupboard door to pull cabinet forward so I could access the plug and cupboard door came open and inside I noticed 5 equal boxes wrapped in our individual wrapping paper , one for each, the kids and his labeled from Santa and mine labelled from him.
judging my size of the boxes I’m guessing they are what we’d decided we was gonna surprise them with but he changed his mind. Although it’s a lovely thought on his part I feel someone miffed that I’ve been left out of the large present giving and come xmas morning it’s gonna look like they was just from him and not me. I’m peri so never sure whether I’m being over sensitive. But it just feels like he discussed with me, then went behind my back and did it anyway and now the kids will remember it as the year dad surprised us with ….. not mum and dad.
AIBU? Should I say something now?

Has your husband ever thought about the fact that he would never have been able to earn the income he does without you looking after the DCs? Perhaps he needs to explain to them that he couldn't have done it without your support as you are a team.

Could he have done his job doing school runs, getting uniform/ PE kit ready, making meals, doing all the school activities and homework and housework and laundry for three DCs? I suspect not (although I know women can and do!)

I would do anything for my children, but I would go through them for a shortcut if I ever felt so disrespected by them.

I also would think that I had failed them on so many levels if they spoke like that.

Jokes my arse.
They call you peri?
Unbelievably disrespectful.

You have stayed at home to raise deeply unpleasant teens.

I would be mortified that my children thought that this is how they can speak to their parent/ adult.

And yet you have continued to tolerate it?
This is on you and your husband.

And you now want to volunteer to mind grandchildren 🙄.

You are your own worst enemy.
They will take their odious opinions and disrespect into their adult relationships.

Your family issues are so much bigger than your husband spending money without discussing it with you, although its a symptom.

Oh and this has NOTHING to do with neuro diversity before anyone mentions it.

I have two neuro diverse children that have been reared to have enormous respect and appreciation for the fact that mum gave up her excellent career so that they would have a much easier life without external childcare.

OP, instead of blaming everyone around you, take responsibility for your passivity that has resulted in your children to be raised with such a deeply unpleasant attitude towards their own mother.

If ever a thread display the truth of the saying "we teach people how to treat us".....this is it.

Ok I think that’s the small price you pay for not having a job or having to get up every day for work, and all the holidays you want, most people would think it’s worth it.

Just say thank you and appreciate him.

My FIL buys huge surprise presents without MIL knowing and it always ALWAYS comes across as wanting to be better than her and that they are not a team. I hate it (and DH can see how shitty it looks too). So I totally get it OP and I'd feel the same tbh.

I don't think it's about being inferior, but the reality is that he's the one bringing the money and paying for those presents (and the meals, and everything else).
I think it's fair that from time to time, he wants to get the credit for things he brings to the family. The same way you get credit for what you do in the house etc.

No one should judge your decisions as a family, particularly not your kids that you both provide for. If it works for you and your husband and your finances are sane then that's all that matters.

That said, the reality of the world today is that you are in a very privileged position. Being a housewife with grown up teens is not something that most families can afford, it's very different from being a SAHM with young dependent children.
You don't have to justify yourself, but trying to do that using arguments like "he has a very busy job" and "how would we manage the household" isn't going to get you any support. That's just what we all do all day, every day, and tbh yes it's shit!

This is you and your husband lifestyle choice, and it works for your family. That's good enough and no one else's business.

Your children are incredibly rude and disrespectful, where have they picked up this attitude and why haven't you and their father come down on it like a tonne of bricks?

The 1950s have long gone mate.

Why didn’t he label yours from Santa why is yours different

and are you happy and fulfilled in the role just to support him

I think you're being over-sensitive about his parents thanking him when you go out for dinner and holidays. My in-laws do the same and I earn more than DH! I've never thought twice about it until now - I figure it's just because he's their son or because they are old fashioned. Either way it doesn't matter to me. I like them, but when it comes down to it I wouldn't be taking them to dinner if I wasn't married to their son!

its definitely not possible to do the hands on care for young kids and have a high-flying job like OP’s DH, yes. You need to be available for early starts, late finishes, weekend/evening work. Can’t be looking after your kid while commuting to Canary Wharf for your 7am meeting!

You either need a stay at home spouse or a full time nanny, (or wrap around nanny plus nursery) which would cost c.£45k per year (nanny salary plus pension contributions, tax etc) so OP’s role is already worth that, plus cleaner and gardener fees.

Who appreciates OP then?

I’m missing the point of the thread I know, but why does every OP on here have to write that they’re ‘peri’? It really isn’t relevant to 90% of posts!

Where do your children get their horrible attitude towards you from? If its your DH joking about "he pays for everything" then I suspect he has pulled this stunt to be the big I Am.

Either way I completely get why this feels shit. He shut the idea down, now he gets the glory.

You need to deal with your disrespectful little shits though. How dare they talk to and about you like that. They've got this attitude from somewhere.

I know plenty of people in high flying jobs with spouses that work full time without a full time nanny. One of the benefits of high flying jobs is flexibility and people manage work travel and meetings aound family commitments and their spouse's schedule. It's not the 1980s anymore or even the early 2000s.

Of course it’s possible! Lots of us manage it.
High flying jobs often come with a huge amount of flexibility.

If you have access to all that money why don’t you think of doing something nice for your family yourself, maybe buy some surprise gifts or book a day out over the hols. Certainly sounds like you’ve got the time to spare.

Mind you, if my children were as rude and ungrateful as yours I’d doubt I’d bother either!

I voted YABU based on your initial post, thinking of children of an age that they'd normally get Santa presents. The follow-ups cast the situation in a completely different light. I normally don't think having one member of a couple SAH and the other work full time (or more) is a good idea, partly because it's unrealistic modeling for the children - but it sounds like you and hour husband agreed to it up front, felt it was best for your specific family situation, and are both genuinely committed to it. I don't know what to suggest about the much larger issue here (the children's rudeness and apparent misogyny), although I'd consider no presents at all. Given the exact circumstances you're in right now, to deal with the immediate issue I'd suggest just telling your husband you've seen the packages, explaining your fears about how they'll be received (it sounds like it won't be a big surprise to him), and talking through what's best to do.

Nasty of your husband to steal your idea for the gift so he could get all the credit and give it from himself instead of both of you.

Are your children all boys? Where do they get their contempt for you from? Your husband? You need to stop seeing him as 'lovely' and see that he has shaped your children's attitudes to you.

Kids need their parents more a teenagers for support. If her husband works away the OP is doing dropping/collecting, housework etc.

@Wayk You can do all those things and still work you know. Especially when you have school age kids.

I agree, i don’t think the DH is as innocent in this as the OP thinks he is!

Not really if she is not working.

Because he's trying to frame it as the parents giving a gift to the kids and then dad surprising mum with ones for them as well. He's taking direct credit for surprising her with her gift but trying to share credit for the kids' gifts (which is fair since they did actually plan them together). The kids are teens and it's easy to mention a clarifying "We wanted to do a special gift for all of you this year but mum didn't know she was getting one too."

I think he's been a but clumsy here because I personally dislike surprises that hinge on making the person feel let down first (like doing a surprise party but first making the target spend all day thinking all of their loved ones forgot their birthday) and I think that given the underlying issues both parents should be really taking a hard line on being an equal financial team. But clumsiness isn't malice or narcissism and OP seems equally diffident/limp about actually taking a stand towards their DC and her PIL's attitudes.

SOME high-flying jobs come with flexibility. Others, do not. My husband's job had zero flexibility. He even took work on vacation and worked all vacation while I watched the kids on my own. His rare free time, by his choice, was used solely for his own recuperation from work and his own hobbies. He helped with the kids about zero: sick days, doctor visits, all the rest.

Now he has flexibility because he is senior, and has accrued a lot of vacation due to seniority. But back when the kids were young and needed hands-on parenting, no, not at all. Zero flexibility.

OP probably could go back to work, but it would likely be a job with very low pay and no flexibility, because she would be low on the totem pole. And, as a middle-aged woman starting at the bottom, she's unlikely ever to rise to a position with flexibility. Working is something she might have to do if necessary, and should be willing to do, if necessary, but I think some respect is due to her from her family for the fact that she gave up her career advancement for everyone else's benefit.