To be miffed by hubby actions

[Tacobelle111]

My hubby and I discussed getting out 3 teens and ourselves a very expensive gift on top of their Xmas pressie to celebrate end of a crappy year for us and him getting a new job. Few weeks back he said he’d decided he didn’t want to and would rather bank the money and maybe get them it next year. I agreed and left it at that ( although slightly gutted aswell ).
fast forward to today - he’s working away for a couple of days and I was in his office, which is also a the room- went to put the tree lights on and pulled on the cupboard door to pull cabinet forward so I could access the plug and cupboard door came open and inside I noticed 5 equal boxes wrapped in our individual wrapping paper , one for each, the kids and his labeled from Santa and mine labelled from him.
judging my size of the boxes I’m guessing they are what we’d decided we was gonna surprise them with but he changed his mind. Although it’s a lovely thought on his part I feel someone miffed that I’ve been left out of the large present giving and come xmas morning it’s gonna look like they was just from him and not me. I’m peri so never sure whether I’m being over sensitive. But it just feels like he discussed with me, then went behind my back and did it anyway and now the kids will remember it as the year dad surprised us with ….. not mum and dad.
AIBU? Should I say something now?

Absolutely unacceptable the way the kids and his family treat you with respect to money. Your husband needs to correct this and swiftly, he needs to make sure everyone is clear that he has only been able to focus on his career because you have been taking care of everything else.
Perhaps you need to go away for a week or so and leave them to fend for themselves, maybe then they’ll value what you do for them.

This is a perfect example of how a relationship works! Money is not the only thing of value someone can provide!

They’re teenagers , I think they’ll probably work it out ..

Do the same as him. Buy them, wrap them, label them from Santa (but keep receipts so that they can be returned). When you 'realise' that you've both done the same thing you can have a laugh about it and agree that you will communicate better in the future.

It's clear he is a glory hogger who wants the presents to be just from him. That was apparent from your first post.

I would speak to him and tell him that there is already a toxic environment in the home where the kids don't value your contribution and he is compounding this by acting like Lord Benevolent and you as the meek housewife.

Remind him that he has only been able to build his business because you have been an unpaid nanny and household manager.

And change that wrapping paper and tags to reflect that the gifts are from both of you.

Once you and DH are on the same page, tackle the toxic views from your dc, their attitude to you is shocking.

I'm getting the sense that OP doesn't have access to the family money and her H just siphons a stipend to her.

You need to sit down and have an honest open chat about you feeling invisible and undermined. Particularly about how your DC are making you feel. And agree about how to tackle it going forward. You also need to decide if being available to go away whenever your DH wants is worth the price of feeling undervalued. What’s the plan when your DC are up and away?

I think he was just trying to suprise you. And to be honest from what you have written about your children, even if you knew about presents and gave them together they would still see it as from dad

Because without the op her dh probably wouldn’t be in the position to take them all out for meals and holidays, she has sacrificed her own life to create a life for him and their children, so yes he’s wages become her wages too, it’s their money not just his!

op id except this surprise gracefully as his intentions were good and his heart is in the right place. Enjoy your Christmas I hope it’s a lovely one for you all 🎄🎅🏻🎄🎅🏻🎄🎅🏻

He’s trying to do something nice and a surprise for you and DC, give him some slack and don’t let on that you found the presents.

I have half our savings in my own bank account saving account as we got better interest in our personal accounts than our joint. So I do have access to our money. I take an agreed sum of money out of joint bank account and transfer into my personal one for anything home and child related each month. Any big purchases we decide together and we budget for them out of his wage each month. Smaller house stuff I can get at my leisure out of the money I take each month. He chooses not to take any money out of his wage as he has a visa and uses that for everything and anything workwise he pays off it with his expenses money.

I think if he had put them as from himself, that would be claiming credit, but putting from Santa is the opposite of that- because it could be either / both of you. The disrespect of you by the children is a separate issue though and one that should be addressed

But he's the one who will bring them out and OP would have been as surprised as the dc.

It should have been a joint gift.

Although I'm not sure these kids deserve such a treat. My mum was a housewife, I wouldn't have dreamed of speaking to her like that. She devoted her life to us.

Suggest you get a job for yourself and your almost adult children help with the house work and get weekend, holiday jobs.

Sure. I get that when they're kids and need caring for. She's now (as she explained) not working because (1) he makes plenty and (2) they get to go on more holidays. In those circumstances I see it a bit less as "we both have full time jobs but he gets a wage for his" which I totally get is the case for many/most SAHPs

As I asked above, if she does something nice for a DC (eg tidy their room, find something they lost, give them a lift) would DC be expected to thank their dad as well, because him being at work means she is at home to do that stuff? That seems so weird and artificial to me. Just like thanking her for paying for a meal. They should thank her for the stuff she does.

Separate but important point, they are really disrespectful.

True I was thinking that as well,
but if the gift tag just said from Dad, that would be shitty of him.
It would have been nice if it said from Mom and Dad, but still, it's from Santa.
He's not taking sole personal credit, the kids know that it's from their parents and not from Santa.

But he's the one who will bring them out and OP would have been as surprised as the dc.

Bring them out? Most people just put wrapped presents under the tree. I'm not sure why you're imagining some grand presentation.

But reading that whenever the kids get something, they only think Dad because Dad is the only wager in the family and mom is the stay-at-home, well, that's something that should be addressed.
My father was the only wage earner who worked outside of the house too, my mom was a full-time mom. She didn't earn any money outside of the household but she worked full time!
And whenever Christmases or birthdays or anything else came along, even though I knew that it was my mom who was buying the presents, I thanked both of them.
The boys should learn some respect and thank Mom AND Dad.

That's certifiable behaviour!

Thank you. I had never realised just how much people look down their noses at housewives and SAHM.
your right- if I hadn’t stayed home and done what I do we wouldn’t be in this privileged financial position we are in now. My hubby loves to work and I love being a mum. This works for us day to day. With having 2 out of 3 kids neurodivergent it’s not been easy.
the kids don’t seem to see all I do and the sacrifices I’ve made to ensure they had a stable parent at home and weren’t spending majority of time at childminders when we could afford for that not to have to be the case. To ensure I was at every sports day, every school play, able to go into school and help listen to kids read and help out on school trips etc, be there at every school pick up and drop off and be at home when they were sick and every school holidays.
I just hope that although they don’t see it or appreciate it now that as they grow older and mature they do.
I’ve tried speaking to them about how they make me feel but tbh their quite dismissive and pass it off as me being over sensitive being peri meno and ridiculous and their joking and don’t really feel like that- although our middle child finished with but in fairness you aren’t equal though r u as you don’t work and earn the money so you aren’t equal to dad. Which was hurtful. I dont tolerate disrespect but when it’s passed off as joking it’s not always easy to deal with as I end up coming across as the unreasonable one. It’s extremely frustrating. Hubby has told them and explained to them whilst we’ve all been there how I contribute and how he couldn’t do what he does without my support and what I do. But it doesn’t seem to sink in. It’s more the subconscious that bothers me. Like forgetting to thank me for stuff we buy together or holidays we pay for as a team. It’s done subconsciously and that’s hurts. I don’t believe his parents do anything nasty. I believe it’s subconscious as we have a great relationship. But somehow the subconscious hurts more than deliberate. He’s offered to deal with them but tbh it would be awkward and wouldn’t actually change their underlying views of subconscious feelings and it hurts knowing subconsciously they feel that way even if they don’t realise they do.
my plan was always to help my kids with their kids if they couldn’t afford or didn’t wanna stay home ( it’s not for everyone ). Inbetween them leaving and having kids just enjoying lots of holidays and spending time with the hubby. He’s a great man and I believe his actions are lovely and from the heart- I just feel large expensive presents should be from both parents and not just one - it’s not so much about the present as the message underneath it.

I'm sure he'd have been fine.

They are teens so doubt they would think that they are from Santa

youre a SAHM for kids over 15 years old! give over!

your DH earns and decides what gifts to get, just because youre SAHM for ridiculous reasons, you think youre entitled to your DH money spending decisions

youre obviously not are you! lol

I’ve tried speaking to them about how they make me feel but tbh their quite dismissive and pass it off as me being over sensitive being peri meno and ridiculous and their joking and don’t really feel like that- although our middle child finished with but in fairness you aren’t equal though r u as you don’t work and earn the money so you aren’t equal to dad. Which was hurtful. I dont tolerate disrespect but when it’s passed off as joking it’s not always easy to deal with as I end up coming across as the unreasonable one.

Ok. You and your DH have explained why what they've said isn't ok. Now this isn't about convincing them of anything - your children do not have to validate and agree with all of your decisions.

The next step is not to channel this into conflict with your DH because your teens are being jerks. You and your DH are the parents, so tell them what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable and what the consequences are for being rude and saying things they have already been told are hurtful. Saying and doing things you have been told are hurtful to the person is being deliberately hurtful, regardless of whether you agree with their perspective. This is an important lesson, especially for ND kids.