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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed by hubby actions

241 replies

Tacobelle111 · 02/12/2025 20:12

My hubby and I discussed getting out 3 teens and ourselves a very expensive gift on top of their Xmas pressie to celebrate end of a crappy year for us and him getting a new job. Few weeks back he said he’d decided he didn’t want to and would rather bank the money and maybe get them it next year. I agreed and left it at that ( although slightly gutted aswell ).
fast forward to today - he’s working away for a couple of days and I was in his office, which is also a the room- went to put the tree lights on and pulled on the cupboard door to pull cabinet forward so I could access the plug and cupboard door came open and inside I noticed 5 equal boxes wrapped in our individual wrapping paper , one for each, the kids and his labeled from Santa and mine labelled from him.
judging my size of the boxes I’m guessing they are what we’d decided we was gonna surprise them with but he changed his mind. Although it’s a lovely thought on his part I feel someone miffed that I’ve been left out of the large present giving and come xmas morning it’s gonna look like they was just from him and not me. I’m peri so never sure whether I’m being over sensitive. But it just feels like he discussed with me, then went behind my back and did it anyway and now the kids will remember it as the year dad surprised us with ….. not mum and dad.
AIBU? Should I say something now?

OP posts:
SweetnsourNZ · 05/12/2025 07:18

ClaredeBear · 03/12/2025 07:40

I think this would have been fine if it wasn’t something you’d already planned to do together. But to change his mind, have you support that decision, only for him to change it back and give you no part in it, does seem a little undermining. Perhaps you could mention you’d really like to get those gifts after all and hope he comes clean?

Wondering if he got an end of year bonus at work or when he finished up at his last job and is using this money to surprise her and children.

SweetnsourNZ · 05/12/2025 07:24

TootsMaHoots · 03/12/2025 07:53

I’m in a similar situation really although my kids are not dicks to me and I do work part time now. I stopped working as a teacher when my dd were small as we could manage financially and I have only done supply teaching since then. I do it because I want to and none of the money I make goes to the household.

My dc are aware that all of the bills and the holidays and everything is paid for because of their dad’s income. Never have they said anything to me about it. They know that I have sacrificed things for them and they know that they have been lucky to have someone at home making everything so much easier. But, none of that would have been possible without my husband making the money.

I think that you need to go to work for your own seek. It is a bit daft to say that you shouldn’t work now because you wouldn’t get much holiday time. Like yours, my household does not need the money from my income but it still helps. For example, I paid for all of the things my dd needed for the first year of university this summer but my husbands wages pay the £8000 rent.

I go to work for my own benefit really so that I feel useful in the world as a whole and so that I have a life outside of the home that is nothing to do with my children.

A flexible job like temping would suit her too, and then she would still be available when do wants to go on holiday. She would even have some extra to treat them both to a hotel upgrade or something.

SweetnsourNZ · 05/12/2025 07:28

Gfdeh · 03/12/2025 09:29

I would do anything for my children, but I would go through them for a shortcut if I ever felt so disrespected by them.

I also would think that I had failed them on so many levels if they spoke like that.

Jokes my arse.
They call you peri?
Unbelievably disrespectful.

You have stayed at home to raise deeply unpleasant teens.

I would be mortified that my children thought that this is how they can speak to their parent/ adult.

And yet you have continued to tolerate it?
This is on you and your husband.

And you now want to volunteer to mind grandchildren 🙄.

You are your own worst enemy.
They will take their odious opinions and disrespect into their adult relationships.

Your family issues are so much bigger than your husband spending money without discussing it with you, although its a symptom.

Oh and this has NOTHING to do with neuro diversity before anyone mentions it.

I have two neuro diverse children that have been reared to have enormous respect and appreciation for the fact that mum gave up her excellent career so that they would have a much easier life without external childcare.

OP, instead of blaming everyone around you, take responsibility for your passivity that has resulted in your children to be raised with such a deeply unpleasant attitude towards their own mother.

If ever a thread display the truth of the saying "we teach people how to treat us".....this is it.

I'm actually surprised they know the word period tbh. I didn't know it until I was in my fifties. By then it was all over. Lol

CleverBiscuit · 05/12/2025 07:33

TravelPanic · 03/12/2025 10:35

its definitely not possible to do the hands on care for young kids and have a high-flying job like OP’s DH, yes. You need to be available for early starts, late finishes, weekend/evening work. Can’t be looking after your kid while commuting to Canary Wharf for your 7am meeting!

You either need a stay at home spouse or a full time nanny, (or wrap around nanny plus nursery) which would cost c.£45k per year (nanny salary plus pension contributions, tax etc) so OP’s role is already worth that, plus cleaner and gardener fees.

Show quote history

My husband has a 'high flying' job plus a 1.5 hour commute and some weekend and away work. I still manage to have a career with three kids under the age of 6. There is some home working and flexitime and I dropped a day when I returned after my youngests maternity leave buf to suggest it can't be done without nannies and cleaners and stuff is absolutley ridiculous. How do you think single parents manage?

I don't get why people tie themselves in knots to justify stuff like this. Its fine for her to have just wanted to stay home and in fact she has admitted as much herself, she returned to work and then left because it meant she couldn't go on as many holidays as she wanted. She quite easily could have got a job that was within school hours if it was important to her from the time her youngest was 4.

SweetnsourNZ · 05/12/2025 07:48

You said you had a scrappy year and that your husband is starting a new job. Was he unemployed for some of the year? If so, we're there financial worries that the children knew about and if so, did you offer to job hunt as well as DH.

Pashazade · 05/12/2025 08:02

@Tacobelle111 I’m in the same situation as you, been a full time SAHM for a long time now, largely because we ended up home educating (you'll be pleased to hear that puts me even lower down the ladder than you in Mumsnet terms, a SAHM,a Home Educator and a SEN parent! 😁) Look your kids need a short sharp shock over this. You make their entire lives possible, my husband is much the same as yours makes clear it’s joint finances, I never want for money, small items no sweat, big ticket stuff we discuss, I think he was being impulsive and wanted to surprise you, so the present thing let it go.
The level of disrespect form your children however is not on. They need to be aware that you make their lives function. So stop doing anything for them, no food, no cleaning, no lifts. Stop doing all the little things, perhaps once the Xmas holidays start, but when they wonder where the easy life has gone you can explain. Plus if you don’t find it funny it’s not a joke. You repeat, I will not be spoken to like that you are being rude and deliberately unkind, I do not find it funny so it is not a joke. Keep repeating and hold your line. My DS would simply not dream of talking to me like that, he is well aware that I have sacrificed a job / career to be here for him, I don’t guilt trip him about it, that would be wrong, but I do make clear that me being home makes his life easy. Good luck.

Andromed1 · 05/12/2025 08:05

Agree its a bigger issue than presents.
However you've found them now so use the opportunity to act like the co-adult you are. Tell him you know and ask him to be sure the kids know these are joint gifts because otherwise you'd feel marginalised. Add that you like to be included in future in choosing snd giving presents to family members.

anonacfr · 05/12/2025 08:17

They dismiss you as over sensitive and peri meno?
They've picked that up from someone. Not something a teenager would come up with by themselves.

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 05/12/2025 08:27

The kids make snide jokey remarks about how it’s dads money not mine and has dad paid my wage yet.

You really mustn't tolerate that. You and your husband need to sit down with the children and explain to them why you have the set-up that you have, that you have contributed massively to household finances as your husband simply would not be where he is in work terms without you carrying the entire burden of home and childcare for him, and therefore that you are equal in terms of finances and status in the family. Tell them these jokes are not funny and if they don't grow up and recognise the reality of your family set-up there is going to be big trouble for them.

IAmKerplunk · 05/12/2025 08:47

Your dc are rude and don’t respect you. You and your dh need to come together to work out how to combat that.

Re being a sahm or a wohm I understand why either way you are upset by the gifts coming solely from dh. Being generous - he wanted to surprise you (but he knows the both of you discussed it so not a surprise surprise) - it will show on how he handles it when the gifts are given out, Will he acknowledge that you discussed it and wanted to get them this year or will he ignore it? That will be telling

Why not ask straight up before Christmas? Just be honest and say you found them and this is how you feel.

Has he ever done anything like this before? When the dc were younger I am assuming you did majority of Christmas shopping (I could be wrong) but did you ever exclude him from anything?

Maybe just have a check on how your current set up is working for you - you are not there just to be at the beck and call of others, when they want to go away etc

Please say you have your own life/friends/regular hobbies

Mosaic80 · 05/12/2025 10:13

I voted YABU as I think you are a little about the surprise itself but I think YANBU overall as there's clearly a lot of context here.

I think you need a really strong talk with your DH with the proviso that if things don't change then you WILL go back to work and his life will be seriously impacted. It's absolutely not on that people get to belittle your role. He needs to challenge every single person who says anything down to you regarding your SAHM status. Like "hey DC, remember it was a choice your mum and I made together and we all benefit hugely from the massive amount of work she does in the home for all of us...". Then every time they say make a comment, he can go "and we all should be hugely thankful to her for that, I certainly am". To his parents when they thank him specifically "and thank you to OP, she's the reason I can go out and earn as much as I do!". And if the DC joke about perimenopause etc, he needs to say "hey, we don't joke about health stuff in this family". It needs to come from him.

QuizNight · 05/12/2025 17:04

I suspect I am neurodiverse myself but I don’t get what’s nice or magical about her husband taking an idea they were both going to do (I’d be interested to know whose idea it was first), lying and saying he now didn’t want to do it, and then doing it anyway in secret? I honestly don’t understand. They have joint finances so it hasn’t saved her any money, it caused her disappointment to think she wasn’t getting or providing the kids with the treat and the big payoff is just the thing they were already going to do in the first place. A magical, nice surprise would be a new, better thing, or if the reason he’d said no was because they thought they couldn’t afford it or do it for some logistical reason and he’s now discovered they can. But to randomly say ‘no, I don’t want to do that idea we’d planned’ and then ‘surprise I did it after all’ isn’t that much of a Christmas miracle to me.

SweetnsourNZ · 05/12/2025 21:02

SweetnsourNZ · 05/12/2025 07:28

I'm actually surprised they know the word period tbh. I didn't know it until I was in my fifties. By then it was all over. Lol

Show quote history

I meant peri

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 08/12/2025 12:40

FlockofSquirrels · 03/12/2025 00:04

I’ve tried speaking to them about how they make me feel but tbh their quite dismissive and pass it off as me being over sensitive being peri meno and ridiculous and their joking and don’t really feel like that- although our middle child finished with but in fairness you aren’t equal though r u as you don’t work and earn the money so you aren’t equal to dad. Which was hurtful. I dont tolerate disrespect but when it’s passed off as joking it’s not always easy to deal with as I end up coming across as the unreasonable one.

Ok. You and your DH have explained why what they've said isn't ok. Now this isn't about convincing them of anything - your children do not have to validate and agree with all of your decisions.

The next step is not to channel this into conflict with your DH because your teens are being jerks. You and your DH are the parents, so tell them what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable and what the consequences are for being rude and saying things they have already been told are hurtful. Saying and doing things you have been told are hurtful to the person is being deliberately hurtful, regardless of whether you agree with their perspective. This is an important lesson, especially for ND kids.

I agree.

I was coming to say that you need to let your DH sort them out because the level of disrespect that is coming from them is not acceptable, ND or not.
My kids aren't even teenagers but I've told them, "just because we are neurodivergent that does not give us a hall pass to be an a hole. All I want is for you to be the best version of yourself and every day, try and be a bit better still"

OP, my initial thoughts in your post was that DH has to be reprimanding the kids when they step out of line, surely?

They can and must/will know the things you've done for them, the sacrifices that you made for them to have the wonderful like that they do. Yes dad might be the financial earner but you're everything else in their world and money doesn't matter if their home life is unstable.

I think you need to let hubby do the hubby/support/team thing because he should absolutely be standing up for you.

Do not allow yourself to be a doormat/invisible anymore 🫶🏼

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 08/12/2025 12:41

QuizNight · 05/12/2025 17:04

I suspect I am neurodiverse myself but I don’t get what’s nice or magical about her husband taking an idea they were both going to do (I’d be interested to know whose idea it was first), lying and saying he now didn’t want to do it, and then doing it anyway in secret? I honestly don’t understand. They have joint finances so it hasn’t saved her any money, it caused her disappointment to think she wasn’t getting or providing the kids with the treat and the big payoff is just the thing they were already going to do in the first place. A magical, nice surprise would be a new, better thing, or if the reason he’d said no was because they thought they couldn’t afford it or do it for some logistical reason and he’s now discovered they can. But to randomly say ‘no, I don’t want to do that idea we’d planned’ and then ‘surprise I did it after all’ isn’t that much of a Christmas miracle to me.

It seems a bit undermining to me (I'm ND). He may not mean it like that but it's where my brain goes

aloris · 09/12/2025 00:02

Oh you get flexitime and can work from home? How nice for you.

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