To be miffed by hubby actions

[Tacobelle111]

My hubby and I discussed getting out 3 teens and ourselves a very expensive gift on top of their Xmas pressie to celebrate end of a crappy year for us and him getting a new job. Few weeks back he said he’d decided he didn’t want to and would rather bank the money and maybe get them it next year. I agreed and left it at that ( although slightly gutted aswell ).
fast forward to today - he’s working away for a couple of days and I was in his office, which is also a the room- went to put the tree lights on and pulled on the cupboard door to pull cabinet forward so I could access the plug and cupboard door came open and inside I noticed 5 equal boxes wrapped in our individual wrapping paper , one for each, the kids and his labeled from Santa and mine labelled from him.
judging my size of the boxes I’m guessing they are what we’d decided we was gonna surprise them with but he changed his mind. Although it’s a lovely thought on his part I feel someone miffed that I’ve been left out of the large present giving and come xmas morning it’s gonna look like they was just from him and not me. I’m peri so never sure whether I’m being over sensitive. But it just feels like he discussed with me, then went behind my back and did it anyway and now the kids will remember it as the year dad surprised us with ….. not mum and dad.
AIBU? Should I say something now?

He wasn’t happy when she went back to work a few years ago.

How would he have taken care of kids and run a business?

Who said he runs a business? He's employed, she said he just got a new job. Do you think no parents of teenagers have jobs and wives with jobs?

Ok, how would he have run his job with small kids?

The kids weren't born teens you know?

Sure but they're teens now. One of them is probably an adult if they have three over 15!

So all her years raising the kids and running the home don't count because the kids are teens now?

I'm not really sure what your gripe is.
If you and your hubby give the kids presents they thank dad as he is the one that earns the money.
So if dad gives them a present they thank dad as he is the one who earns the money.
What's the difference?

It is true but OP plays an equally crucial role in the success of the family life and should be shown respect for that. The teens sound so rude and disrespectful speaking like that , ND or not. I'm actually shocked at the cheek of them. You deserve better OP. They need to learn to value your contribution. I agree about stopping or going away for a short break to demonstrate your value. Working would also help change your perceived status if you want to work.

Of course they count, it's a brilliant thing to do. It should rightly be recognised as work.

But staying at home for a decade plus after they're all "small children", mainly because it is financially viable and they want to go on flexible holidays, is hardly the same "sacrifice". OP doesn't even say it is, she seems to like not working too.

But in those circumstances it would be weird to pretend that she's paying for anything. She's not. Just like it would be weird to thank him for changing the beds, because his "sacrifice" in going to work has allowed her to change the beds. He's doing fuck all around the house, she's making no money. Fine if it suits them but why pretend it's otherwise?

The teens/adult DCs should be grateful to both their parents for the very different things they do.

ETA - the comments etc about whether she's getting "holiday pay" are extremely rude. Just as if they were calling out DH for being lazy around the house. They should not be so disrespectful to OP. My comment above is just about why it's weird to expect thanks for eg dinner out. It's obviously not OK to take the piss out of her for not being in employment.

The kids make snide jokey remarks about how it’s dads money not mine and has dad paid my wage yet. They’re joking but it’s been constant for about 4 years. When we go on holiday they ask if I’m getting holiday pay etc etc

This is absolutely appalling and needs addressing seriously. You need to look at it more thoroughly than just saying it woild be more awkward if your DH tried to deal with it. Where has it come from?

Shocked by some of the responses.
Yes @Tacobelle111 talk to him about it. Maybe there’s a chance they’re not the item you discussed?
Regardless, he’s your life partner so needs to know how you feel to give him a chance to help you feel more valued. If he doesn’t take that chance that’s valuable information for you.
If you do nothing, you’ll gain nothing.

I think you are overreactong. He wanted to surprise you. Don t spoil it. Youre being very silly.

What ?

There’s zero reason that you shouldn’t be back at work already. You don’t have young children and no one is special needs.

It sounds like you resent your husband.

Also, the gift isn’t from you. You don’t earn an income. It sucks - but that’s the way it is.

Your almost adult children would have no illusions as to who funded the gifts.

You need to spend less time on mumsnet and more time focusing on re-entering the workforce.

Life is too short.

Help your DC to understand that your input does have a financial value. When the salary of a live in housekeeper is added to that of a daily taxi to/from school plus anything else you may do- personal shopper, accounts, dog walker, gardener etc.-it may be clearer to them that you not taking paid work outside the home has potentially large cost implications.
I would have thought your IL's would comprehend that.
The current gift situation sounds fine though, and seems thoughtful of your DH.

I do. I will explain and I’ll preface this to say that I’m a stay at home mother to a very young child with severe autism and GDD.

You aren’t equal financially. You don’t work. Your children aren’t children any more. The youngest is 15.

Why aren’t you working? Your children see the imbalance in your relationship.

My own relationship isn’t balanced. It would be impossible to balance what we do. My partner earns more than double what I could earn. If I wasn’t around he would still earn double. It’s possible he would earn a lot more than double because he has made the decision to work less and play more of an active role in raising our child.

I don’t see his accomplishments in his career as being something that I contributed to. He was the one who put himself through university. He was the one who purchased his first property as soon as he started working. His financial accomplishments are not my financial accomplishments. We aren’t equal.

You seem to think your husband’s accomplishments in his career are because of you. I don’t see it that way.

I see that your contribution is massive in respect to you raising your children so that they can succeed. If it wasn’t for your sacrifice to your career your children wouldn’t be where they are now. And I say this as someone who sacrificed their career so that their child could learn to talk despite their severe diagnosis.

You are angry at your husband but you should be angry at your ungrateful children.

You need to sit them down and explain you sacrificed your career to raise them and set them on the right trajectory. Their educational accomplishments are due to you. There are studies that demonstrate a child’s intellectual abilities and educational outcomes are most influenced by their mother. This isn’t just due to the mother’s intelligence but also due to the mother’s nurturing role.

Your children don’t value you. You’re blaming your husband for this. Your children are rude, entitled and ungrateful. They don’t respect you.

I think you should go to work. I think you should pull back on what you are doing for your children. They don’t respect you and personally I would be returning the iPads or whatever it is that you’ve discovered in the cupboard.

So your mad he got the gifts? I don't see a problem? 😕

This is great advice. I don’t think YABU in light of what you’ve disclosed in subsequent posts. Please do this because otherwise it’ll eat away at you and potentially spoil Christmas.

My mum didn’t work until my younger brother was in secondary school and even then it was part time and minimum wage. So we all must have known the money dad earned was technically paying for everything. However it never registered because what mum was doing around the house and day to day for all of us was equally important and valued. I am so grateful to her now, and was as a child too, for what she did and the sacrifices she made (which eventually came back to bite her when they divorced).

Mum would have physically bought all our Christmas presents even though it was with money from dad’s job, so they both world have got equal credit. So I can see why your husband doing this doesn’t sit right with you, however good his intentions are.

I mean this makes sense if you believe a father has no obligation to spend time parenting their child. He was able to move ahead in his career because his half of the parenting was done by his wife. If there were no wife, he would have had to take a slower career path, the way many single mums do. Or, I suppose, in your ethical framework, he could have abandoned his kids and let them go into the system or whatever, and then he would have had all the success he now has, without needing OP to provide any support from home.

I can't help wondering, OP, why your children are being rewarded with very expensive gifts instead of having their shitty attitudes kicked into the middle of next week.

After that, it may be time to think about expensive gifts.

I felt like you when I was solely a SAHM, so I retrained and now have a part time job. It's not a lot of hours, but I think it was needed for my self esteem. I think people seem to treat me with more respect now (it might be in my head).
It's also good for my kids to see me going off to work sometimes and dad having to do the home duties for a bit. Everyone pitches in on everything, the money isn't “dad's” and the bloody drudgery of home duties all “mum's”.

Wow, your kids sound horrible- towards you anyway. I’d be tempted to swap those presents from Santa for some coal. how dare they speak to you like that? Personally, I’d be making changes if I was you. Get a job and earn your own money. That’s not a dig btw, and maybe consider studying something that interests you.

Lets face it, he probably would be in the same job / position if you worked too, as like many men (including my ex) he’d have left all the dropping off and picking up to you. You’d have less money, as you’d be paying for holiday clubs and probably a cleaner. I have a career, good salary but no where near as successful as my ex as he sodded off overseas and left me to it. The kids know who was there for them (18 & 21 now) and although their dad is paying to put them through uni, they know he only has that extra money due to sacrifices made by me. To my ex’s credit, he always says you kids are only as successful (academically) because of your mum etc. Your DH probably needs to have a word next time they make a comment like they have, to point out how not everything is tied up in money.

You have a lot of benefits due to not working. But I personally couldn’t do it as a lot of my own self worth comes from my job. My mum once said my childhood bestie had done well for herself when she is a SAHM and must admit I didn’t agree she had. So I think a lot of people link worth to people’s jobs. I guess either accept that’s how it is (and sure kids will appreciate it when you’re home) or think about going back to work and reducing holidays etc. You’d get AL and it might be worth it to feel better about yourself. Your DH is just trying to be nice and won’t realise how you feel. Speak to him about how you feel after Christmas and put your surprised face on.