To be miffed by hubby actions

[Tacobelle111]

My hubby and I discussed getting out 3 teens and ourselves a very expensive gift on top of their Xmas pressie to celebrate end of a crappy year for us and him getting a new job. Few weeks back he said he’d decided he didn’t want to and would rather bank the money and maybe get them it next year. I agreed and left it at that ( although slightly gutted aswell ).
fast forward to today - he’s working away for a couple of days and I was in his office, which is also a the room- went to put the tree lights on and pulled on the cupboard door to pull cabinet forward so I could access the plug and cupboard door came open and inside I noticed 5 equal boxes wrapped in our individual wrapping paper , one for each, the kids and his labeled from Santa and mine labelled from him.
judging my size of the boxes I’m guessing they are what we’d decided we was gonna surprise them with but he changed his mind. Although it’s a lovely thought on his part I feel someone miffed that I’ve been left out of the large present giving and come xmas morning it’s gonna look like they was just from him and not me. I’m peri so never sure whether I’m being over sensitive. But it just feels like he discussed with me, then went behind my back and did it anyway and now the kids will remember it as the year dad surprised us with ….. not mum and dad.
AIBU? Should I say something now?

To be honest I can’t believe you stay in bed in the morning, so you can go back to sleep. Do you not get up with your kids to organise and make sure they are set up for the day? When I had 3 teens, I was up at 5.30 to make sure the house was tidy and lunches were prepared etc. We all left for work and school at 7.30. What do you do all day?

Why would they not think the present was from you both?

Tbf isn’t the youngest 15? My eldest had been organising herself in the mornings for years by the time she was that age. If she was my only child I’d be staying in bed on my days off. But I have younger ones including a child with additional needs who needs metaphorically poking to get himself ready in the mornings.

Nowt wrong with a lie in if you can get it.

Do you really believe it's impossible to have children and work?

To answer your question OP, yes I do think you should have a word with him now that you have accidentally found the gifts he has arranged for you all. YANBU.

I think you need to spell it all out to him again very clearly and calmly. He has disregarded your feelings completely and has forgotten that he isn’t the main man in the family. He needs to not only re-write the gift tags, but also to re-frame his thinking again.

Your children’s disrespectful attitude towards you comes from their privilege provided by his earnings which in turn are enabled by your service to the family. So in that way, his money earned hasn’t helped them learn basic respect. They are spoiled rotten and find it ok to scoff at you and demean you as the non-earner. They feel entitled to put you down based on their life experience and what they have learned within the family. Both parents are accountable. It’s possible that you have both been complacent in not handling their shocking remarks more firmly. They should be ashamed of making remarks like ‘holiday pay’ for you, if you find it unacceptable. Who else is going to reprimand them ?

I think you could also talk to your DH about holding the gifts back until next year as originally planned, during which time your DC can also learn some humility if you and DH stop spending on them so lavishly, - and if you put in consequences for any show of disrespect to others.

OP, do you think maybe your confidence has been eroded somewhat by all the years of service to your DH and DC?
Maybe it’s time now they are teens to help yourself regain that confidence and self-esteem even if it means forsaking a holiday or two.
Have a think about making a change for yourself in some way, before your role as SAHM becomes redundant. Wishing you all the best.

Reading your op again @Tacobelle111 i think you have a problem because your dc get too much.
Always on holiday, lovely gifts.
Your dc are materialistic.

Do they do chores?
Do they earn pocket money or have weekend jobs?

You need to do less for them and if you won’t work take up a hobby.
People treat you the way you allow them to.

I would tell DH that you found them and although it is a wonderful gesture you woukd like the DC to know it was from both of you, and why.
As for the DC, every time they ask for anything, tell them to ask their father if they think it is all his money. When DH is not available, they will soon get bored.

This!
Your DC are incredibly rude. They know you find the comments upsetting but still make them; totally disrespectful and clearly think money is the most important thing.

Maybe stop doing everything for them so they have no prepared and cooked dinners, they have no clean clothes, no lifts anywhere...then they might begin to understand your job of housewife and SAHM.

I'd not say anything about finding the gifts to your DH. But I'd take off the labels and re-write them from 'mum & dad' without telling him. Your DH, despite you say him backing you up, has undermined you with those labels and is exacerbating the issue. When he turns into hero-dad on Xmas morning, hopefully he'll clock the labels and it might make him realise that these little things are really, in fact, huge to you.

This is excellent advice.

Your children are being disrespectful and need to feel the consequences of their actions. You are being too meek and mild, you are undervaluing yourself and your contributions - and teaching them to do the same.

I think what’s difficult is you’re expecting them to be grateful for your choice. My parent was a SAHP and actually it would have done me good to have gone to childcare sometimes or had to deal with the disappointment of a parent not being at an event. My children don’t always appreciate how hard I’m working to make it to a school event (working extra hours to cover it) or how exhausted I am when I get home from work sometimes.

Your children see you have all week at home, yes doing some household jobs but no more than what those of us who work do and therefore think you have an easy time of it. I think you need your husband on board to champion you and let your ‘children’ and I use that word loosely as they sound older see how much you do for them.

Many couples manage to have successful careers whilst raising a family - it's not necessary to have one SAHP for the other to be successful.

Not that there is anything wrong with being a SAHP if that's what the preference is and finances allow it. The OP needs to own her decision and tell the kids off for being rude - a person's value isn't determined by their work or income.

OK OP, 10 years ago (when you went back to work), your children were a lot younger so circumstances that applied then won't apply now.

He presumably earned a lot less 10 years ago than he does now too so if you earn enough to afford a good lifestyle now then, if you went back to work, you could presumably afford things like a cleaner to ease the load at home?

Just trying to think of solutions because I think your self esteem would benefit from working.

The bigger problem is how this came about though.

When i was a child, my mum was a SAHM/housewife and didn't work until I was around 15 when she had a part time job. And, I'll he honest, we never regarded her as being 'lesser' because of it. Gifts were always from our parents and we never thought of it as my dad earning the money - dad went out and earned money; mum took care of everything at home. They were equal in our eyes.

Amongst my friends, I'd say there was a fairly even split between mums who didn't work outside the home, mums who worked part time in retail/office jobs and mums who had professional careers. Not that we really discussed it but, when we did, these were just facts about our families and didn't carry any value judgements.

So how has this evolved.

This. Don’t ruin it op.

Thebdevil is in the detail here, though.

The OP isn't being 'pissy' because she won't get the credit but because she doesn't feel/isn't valued in her family and feels that this is going to add weight to that.

My initial thought was that she was making a big deal out of it too but the wider context is relevant.

Gosh and your diamond slippers are too tight too.

you need to practice some gratitude here to counteract the resentment you feel and then grow up a bit!!! You have a wonderful quality of life.

your children however are rude and that on you as the stay at home parent. How have you let this happen-by letting it. It’s going to be hard work to claw the respect back but you have to. Every shitty remark - give a sanction. It’ll stop once you do!!!

No - it means that they’ve been in school all day for years so being a SAHM isn’t quite a full time job! She did go back to work briefly a few years ago but gave up the job because she couldn’t go on holiday as often she’d like.
She said that at least 2 of her children are autistic. And if they are being literal ( as ND people are) they are correct- she does not work and dad earns all the money. In this case dad also chose and bought the presents.

Im a stay at home mum. I dont earn an income but I do absolutely everything else and I also take care of the finances. if my husband did any sort of gift giving or surprises id be grateful not pissy, why does xmas have to be a competition about who gives the gifts. Let dad have the surprise this year im sure he has earnt it. My kids know that dad is the breadwinner and anything bought for the house or xmas or for them is ultimately because of him even though im the one buying it all. I feel some men can never win. He didnt want to do the surprise and you were unhappy, hes decided to try and surprise you and the kids and its also wrong because he might get credit for it and not you. I think honestly let him surprise everyone and you act shocked and thankful on xmas day.

Agreed - I’d be taking the lie in too if I could! But would also know I was lucky to get it. In this case the Op is upset about her children’s view of her and that they don’t value her or the work she does. What the kids see is her snoozing in bed in the morning while they and dad are getting up and ready to go out to work/ school /college.
Her children’s comments are unacceptable- the ones about dad paying her wage and holiday pay etc.Absolutely unacceptable. But she does have every opportunity with near adult children to enter employment which may be a good thing for her self esteem. I’m really not sure what she does all day. At that age household chores can easily be shared out.
Also with the references to multiple holidays a year I’m sure they could stretch to pay a cleaner if they don’t already have one.

Because Dad chose, bought , paid for and wrapped the present.

Your children are disrespectful and are being deliberately hurtful.
Maybe now is the time to step back and stop doing everything for them. I realise it must be hard to hear but they sound spoiled and ungrateful.

I’m not sure if you’ve said but are they boys or girls? Do you think you’re preparing them adequately for future relationships? Are they learning to treat a partner with respect and kindness?

I think this would have been fine if it wasn’t something you’d already planned to do together. But to change his mind, have you support that decision, only for him to change it back and give you no part in it, does seem a little undermining. Perhaps you could mention you’d really like to get those gifts after all and hope he comes clean?

Because she’ll be “surprised” when they open it. Which is why I think she needs to have a word to her husband before Christmas and label them from mum and dad instead of Santa.

I’m in a similar situation really although my kids are not dicks to me and I do work part time now. I stopped working as a teacher when my dd were small as we could manage financially and I have only done supply teaching since then. I do it because I want to and none of the money I make goes to the household.

My dc are aware that all of the bills and the holidays and everything is paid for because of their dad’s income. Never have they said anything to me about it. They know that I have sacrificed things for them and they know that they have been lucky to have someone at home making everything so much easier. But, none of that would have been possible without my husband making the money.

I think that you need to go to work for your own seek. It is a bit daft to say that you shouldn’t work now because you wouldn’t get much holiday time. Like yours, my household does not need the money from my income but it still helps. For example, I paid for all of the things my dd needed for the first year of university this summer but my husbands wages pay the £8000 rent.

I go to work for my own benefit really so that I feel useful in the world as a whole and so that I have a life outside of the home that is nothing to do with my children.

They discussed getting this as a joint present from them both and he said no and then went behind her back and got it anyway but as a surprise. You know they say it’s the thought that counts? Well it was OPs thought too and he’s claiming it as his own. Unless the presents she’s found are not what she’s thinking they are, then I don’t agree she’s spoiled the surprise. He should have hidden them better and it’s not like she went looking for them.

This!

If your teens are making snippy comments then you and DH need to talk to them and explain that both parents have an equally important job - whether one of you gets a pay cheque or not, is irrelevant.

But honestly if it really does make you feel that bad, with grown teens, getting back into work (even part time) might do wonders for your confidence.