“Oh, I donated to charity for your gift…”

[RabbitsNBears]

Just had this line for the first time this year, I don’t like it for a few reasons -

• The charities I support are never considered. Surely a donation should go to causes dear to the recipient not the giver.
• Call me selfish, but I want a present I can enjoy, I can donate money if I feel I want to. A present should be a treat.
• It smacks of people being too lazy to actually think of gift, buy it, and wrap it… it’s far easier to say you made a donation.
• I’m doubtful people bother to actually make the donation in many cases.

It just seems like something people do to make themselves feel good. Of course charities are deserving, but put your hand in your own pocket if you feel moved to donate. I'm happy to just axe gift exchanges with people and each of us make a donation to our chosen charities privately, but being blindsided with the fact I’m not actually getting a present after I spent a good deal of time and effort picking the perfect gift for SIL and wrapping it really rankles.

Your brother doesn't come well out of this, OP. He knew you had spent hours and much thought into preparing his wife's present. He doesn't need to be tech savvy or a great gift buyer to suggest to his wife that it's not the year for something so impersonal.

I think you’re missing the point @LadyKenya because what hurts is the almost passive aggressive lack of thought and the virtue signalling.

Let me put it to you this way. A few years ago I sent my sibling a Christmas present that I thought she’d like. I did not expect anything in return and I gave it because I wanted to, and not, as you so rightly say, expecting something in return. In fact, I would’ve preferred it if she had simply said thank you.

What I got, after Christmas, was a thank you letter in which she said that they had given £100 to her favourite charity which, I should add I had no interest in, and she said “and £50 of that was from you as your present.“

I wouldn’t mind but they should pre warn you. Eg shall we donate to charity for each other instead of buying gifts this year?
That would be fine.

Next time you see her I would say that was such a lovely idea you will be doing it going forward. Then stick to it.

YANBU @RabbitsNBears It's like these insufferable articles who post 'I'm not giving any Christmas cards this year, I'm giving a donation to charity!' Firstly, why can you not give a donation to charity as well as giving cards? (You can get a pack of 30 Christmas cards for about two quid!) And also, no-one believes you're giving money to charity mate. 😂 Just admit you're too tight fisted and lazy to buy cards, and write them out.

disclaimer; it's fine to not send Christmas cards in the post with the price of stamps now! You can still give cards to people you can hand the cards to though - (or post one through their letterbox(s.)

.

Charity gifts are great but they should be at the instance of the recipient not the giver. (Actually I do give my kids one charity gift every year in their stockings- usually something like a Crisis Christmas dinner- but I think that’s ok in the context of receiving loads of other gifts.)

My dad and his dreadful wife do this for my sisters and I - have done for years including when I was a single parent
they do it now my kids are adults-did it for the eldest two weddings and now my young grandkids.
I absolutely hate the song and dance virtue signalling of the whole palava opening Oxfam or Donkey Santuary cards.
Also my kids when I was on my own struggling had so very little it just felt mean and stingy.

They also love telling us at every opportunity that everything they have will be going to the cats home which I find very odd -

each to their own I guess !

Well whoop whoop to you!

I think it's really cheeky of them. They should either just donate their own money to charity, not do it on your behalf, or suggest at the outset that you all donate to charity in lieu of gifts.

If it's as a gift it should be to a charity the giftee wants.
Otherwise it's just buying present or yourself.

Even better. You can buy cards in charity shop. Two birds...

😆

It’s the worst type of virtue signaling. Donate to charity if you want, but that’s a personal choice. No one else needs to know about it or be involved in that decision. Re present giving, in many ways you are better of saving your money and spending it on you and yours - that way you can be sure of getting exactly what you want (or you can just give it all to charity if that’s what you choose to do). It just highlights the ridiculousness of the Christmas gift exchange - spending a fortune on tit for tat giving. It’s not necessary - get your kids what they want and leave it at that.

I actually don't mind this - there's not really anything I need and I usually end up with gifts that I don't need or want and end up regiftng or donating them anyway. One of our close friends donated to a homeless charity in our names and we got a card with the details in. My eldest son bought a goat for a family in Africa from us all as a family instead of gifts, which I thought was a lovely thing to do!

Exactly. I would rather not have a gift than have this pathetic 'I've given £50 to charity for a present for yooooooooooooooooou' kind of wankery! 😆

I think a share of a goat was our “present” a few years ago from friends (or even the whole goat). I guess it’s eaten now. We gave them Molton Brown shower gels. Cut right down on the giving now.

You should be happy then because you’re not getting a gift.

We would get regifted things from a family member. Things that, when opened , another family member would say 'oh that's just like what I got you, did you think YMWW would find it helpful/useful/beautiful too?' Turned out they had serious form for doing this and because we weren't always with other family, hadn't realised.
A few years ago, we saw the local children's charity asking for gifts via tree labels. We spent what we would have done on them, took the gift receipts, sent a copy with their card.
We've not been sent a gift since!!!

Love this

@Kingsleadhat Id never ever write that! We just note we didn’t get a present! Then decide on what to do. Stuff the stupid link!

I used to give adults CAF vouchers, so they could give them to the registered charity of their choice (rather than mine,) but they seemed to stop doing them a few years ago.

You’re right. If she has actually donated to charity, she’s done it on her own behalf because she’s chosen the charity and the amount herself. You’ve had no input - how is that donation in anyway connected to you or viewable as being in lieu of a gift for yourself? Anyway, this is an excellent opportunity to never have to buy her a present again since the effort is only one way. I’d say, ‘That’s a good idea and it really takes the pressure off me spending hours trying to pick a perfect gift for you. I’ll do the same.’ I think she’ll read between the lines. Then take hers back.

It made me laugh. I didn't imagine anyone would really do it. I think it's because I suspect most people don't really do the donation and it's fun to imagine calling their bluff

This thread made me google. You can still get general charity vouchers.
https://charityvouchers.org/

I would actually be happy to hear this. I don’t need anything and I don’t like people wasting their money on more stuff. Anyone that knows me would know what charities I support, so for me this would be perfect.

I'm actually very much in favour of donating money to charity rather than buying Christmas presents for adults.

I agree, but I think it should be the potential recipient who says 'rather than buy me a present please donate to charities X,Y or Z' rather than the unilateral decision of the giver.