“Oh, I donated to charity for your gift…”

[RabbitsNBears]

Just had this line for the first time this year, I don’t like it for a few reasons -

• The charities I support are never considered. Surely a donation should go to causes dear to the recipient not the giver.
• Call me selfish, but I want a present I can enjoy, I can donate money if I feel I want to. A present should be a treat.
• It smacks of people being too lazy to actually think of gift, buy it, and wrap it… it’s far easier to say you made a donation.
• I’m doubtful people bother to actually make the donation in many cases.

It just seems like something people do to make themselves feel good. Of course charities are deserving, but put your hand in your own pocket if you feel moved to donate. I'm happy to just axe gift exchanges with people and each of us make a donation to our chosen charities privately, but being blindsided with the fact I’m not actually getting a present after I spent a good deal of time and effort picking the perfect gift for SIL and wrapping it really rankles.

I doubt DB and SIL would choose a charity I would be uncomfortable with, but they may not choose my top choices. I hope this isn't offensive to anyone but I have the mindset - let's save the humans and get that right, then we can save the animals. SIL is in the horsey set and a real animal lover, so I could see her choosing a dogs home or something. Not that animals aren't worthy of help, but medical research and support (especially Parkinson's) and children's charities are what I like to support.

A had a couple friends who did this - to my kids! Not that they would have expected gifts from these people, I never gave them gifts in return (to be clear it was gifts for the kids, not me), but what eight year old is going to be thrilled that their ‘gift ’ is a donkey given to someone else!

This is basically exactly what I said (except of course I forgot the MN rule that you either earn six figures or you don't have two halfpennies to rub together).

Again: if you're donating money you would be spending anyway you are not being virtuous/generous.

So why don't you just say I don't do presents for adults. You say you don't expect anyone to get you a gift but in the OPs situation there was clearly an expectation that they would exchange presents so not expecting them is a moot point.

I am failing to see how giving to charity is seen, by people such as yourself, as " selfish".
Whereas people expecting others to go out and buy them gifts are seen as somehow virtuous.
Unbelievable.

Ha! No. You can bypass the gift exchange altogether- that's generally my preferred option- perhaps book something nice to do together. Don't be grabby receiving a gift but sanctimoniously decline to reciprocate.

But you would accept a gift and assume the giver is happy for you to decide on a charity to donate to instead of reciprocating. Sounds pretty cheeky to me.

I think it’s a great idea. I don’t need stuff. I’m assuming people are only going to donate to registered charities.

Now you're just being disingenuous.

At risk of inserting myself, we have been exchange gifts every Christmas for decades at this point. I was expecting a gift, maybe that makes me entitled, or maybe my expectation comes from it happening year after year after year.

Not sure how the 'MN rule' connects with my post but looking at your previous posts I'm agreeing with you!

No wonder so many charities are struggling for income if the attitude towards them displayed on this thread is typical of society as a whole.

The selfishness and self centeredness of people today is truly depressing. Instead of Christmas being a time for kindness and caring it's really all about nastiness, resentment and materialism.

This thread has left a really nasty taste in my mouth.

Sorry, it doesn't - it connects with another one by the same PP you were replying to who claimed that they couldn't possibly buy someone a gift and make a donation to charity.

I'm agreeing with you, too!

Does that mean you've asked people to donate to charities in your name instead of receiving gifts so you aren't pandering to materialism?

So no one is ever allowed to enjoy themselves or gift each other gifts then because there will always be someone struggling or someone not having a good time.

It's telling you think everyone is not showing kindness. Worth remembering that those who do the most good are actually the ones making the least noise about it. Virtue signalling once a year by giving to charities instead of giving others presents isn't usually indicative of someone doing it for the right reasons.

No, I agree with you and I don't think that makes you entitled at all. I think it's cheeky to receive a gift and then make a donation instead of reciprocating so that - as someone else said - you get both the gift and the warm, fuzzy feeling of having given money to charity at no extra expense.

Give over. No one is saying don’t give money to charity. But it’s not on to trouser a gift and say “I donated on your name” in the same breath. There are charities I wouldn’t be seen dead giving money to in my own name, let alone in any name once removed.

I completely agree. Before anyone insists I'm materialistic/ grabby I donate a substantial amount of money to charity every month, not just at Christmas and in no way because of obligation to anyone else, because it's the right thing to do. But to me gift-giving to friends and family is totally separate, there's a reason acts of generosity/ hospitality develop into important social rituals in pretty much every society ever, it's a way of expressing love and affection and reinforcing social bonds. And the mutual / reciprocal nature of it is very important too, one-way or lopsided gift giving is a faux pas for a reason and it's not about being materialistic or grabby, if one party puts a substantial amount of discretionary effort (which can include spending money but not necessarily, it's relative and dependent on circumstances) to try and express something about the relationship which isn't matched by the other party without prior warning or explanation, it's perfectly natural to feel you've misunderstood/misjudged horribly (whichever side of the equation you're on)

And so I absolutely agree that while I'll more than happily participate in exchange of charitable giving in lieu of presents if that's the expressed wish of the recipient, or simply not exchanging anything at all, particularly with family or close / established friends, I'd find it rude if one side of an expected exchange unilaterally and without any communication changed Christmas present giving from an equal exchange to one where I get you a gift and you give money to charity - to me charity is a moral duty we should all be fulfilling anyway so why are you assuming I've not done what I should be doing already through the year and need you to make up for it for me (or alternatively you have overspent your budget on stuff for yourself, not given enough to charity so you'll make it up by re-allocating your presents budget to charity instead ). Either way you get to feel good and I get to feel de-priortised and preached at.

And personally although this is anathema to (most of) MN I really like receiving tat gifts, particularly thoughtful carefully chosen ones - to me the knowledge this was given out of thought and love from the giver gives it a way more than monetary value.

I voted YANBU. My SIL did this a few years ago (but to our children). On Christmas morning my 9yo and 12yo were very confused to open a card for some random overseas animal charity saying we decided that instead of a present this year we've donated money to charity (and some snide comment about them having enough stuff). She merrily accepted the gifts we bought for her two though! Very odd behaviour in my opinion but gives us a good laugh every now and again.

I agree. My Christmas and birthday presents from our kids have been donations to Dementia UK for years now.

Given you are close and actually like each other....
i'd say something like

Hi Mice and Tiger. Good to catch up ahead of your trip - hope you have a fabulous time.

The wine selection you chose for Bear is as inspired as ever, thank you, there may be none left to share with you when you get home!

And thanks for my gift too... Honestly I was slightly perplexed but on the other hand glad you think I am so big hearted! 😅 If not already made, a donation to Parkinsons UK and / or Save The Children would be my choice as both are close to my heart.

Merry Christmas and lots of love, Rabbit.

Keeps it light and friendly while also saying DH got lovely wine and i got to "save" a smelly donkey wtaf Mice??? I thought you liked me?! 😅

We’re talking about the principle of the thing.

You’re talking about yourself.

I'm actually very much in favour of donating money to charity rather than buying Christmas presents for adults

@Howtogetthrough yes I agree, but surely it should be "please donate to charity instead of buying me a gift" rather than "I'm donating to charity instead of buying you a gift but I still want a gift from you"

Quite.

The ‘friend’ who did this to us was very happy to take wrapped presents off us the week before. No mention of charity and donkeys then. Just took the bag of stuff for herself, her husband and her two DC, saying she’d drop ours round soon.

It was HER idea to exchange presents in the first place. My DC were pretty young, and didn’t otherwise receive a lot that year what with one thing and another.

I thought it was a bit of a dick move from her tbh.

Very glad I do as few gifts as possible - they just seem to cause a lot of grief - buy your own tat. Problem solved.