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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Oh, I donated to charity for your gift…”

222 replies

RabbitsNBears · 02/12/2025 18:28

Just had this line for the first time this year, I don’t like it for a few reasons -

  • The charities I support are never considered. Surely a donation should go to causes dear to the recipient not the giver.
  • Call me selfish, but I want a present I can enjoy, I can donate money if I feel I want to. A present should be a treat.
  • It smacks of people being too lazy to actually think of gift, buy it, and wrap it… it’s far easier to say you made a donation.
  • I’m doubtful people bother to actually make the donation in many cases.

It just seems like something people do to make themselves feel good. Of course charities are deserving, but put your hand in your own pocket if you feel moved to donate. I'm happy to just axe gift exchanges with people and each of us make a donation to our chosen charities privately, but being blindsided with the fact I’m not actually getting a present after I spent a good deal of time and effort picking the perfect gift for SIL and wrapping it really rankles.

OP posts:
ahoyshipmate · 02/12/2025 18:29

Cheer up

Needmorelego · 02/12/2025 18:30

Return the gift you've bought for a refund and tell her the exactly the same thing.
(you don't actually have to give to charity if you don't want to)

CleanandLight109 · 02/12/2025 18:31

I agree.
Send them back a picture of a restaurant meal you are are having.
Caption it: I ate this meal in your honour.

BennyHenny · 02/12/2025 18:31

RabbitsNBears · 02/12/2025 18:28

Just had this line for the first time this year, I don’t like it for a few reasons -

  • The charities I support are never considered. Surely a donation should go to causes dear to the recipient not the giver.
  • Call me selfish, but I want a present I can enjoy, I can donate money if I feel I want to. A present should be a treat.
  • It smacks of people being too lazy to actually think of gift, buy it, and wrap it… it’s far easier to say you made a donation.
  • I’m doubtful people bother to actually make the donation in many cases.

It just seems like something people do to make themselves feel good. Of course charities are deserving, but put your hand in your own pocket if you feel moved to donate. I'm happy to just axe gift exchanges with people and each of us make a donation to our chosen charities privately, but being blindsided with the fact I’m not actually getting a present after I spent a good deal of time and effort picking the perfect gift for SIL and wrapping it really rankles.

Get a refund and tell her you’ve done the same. Or if not, keep it for yourself or regift.

MyLimeGuide · 02/12/2025 18:32

So your SIL said you are getting your bday present from her to you as a donation to charity??! WTF who does that!!?

CandyCayne · 02/12/2025 18:32

Ask her for proof! 🤣🤣

Original poster
RabbitsNBears · 02/12/2025 18:33

Needmorelego · 02/12/2025 18:30

Return the gift you've bought for a refund and tell her the exactly the same thing.
(you don't actually have to give to charity if you don't want to)

Edited

Unfortunately I can't do that. I was well and truly blindsided. We had our Christmas get together and gift exchange with DB and SIL early this year as they have a fabulous holiday to Australia and New Zealand planned - they leave on Thursday and don't come back until mid January!!!! That line came out after we had already handed our gifts over...

OP posts:
slightlyunimpressed · 02/12/2025 18:35

Definitely do a donation to charity in her honour next year rather than a gift to her. Cheeky mare.

Original poster
RabbitsNBears · 02/12/2025 18:35

CandyCayne · 02/12/2025 18:32

Ask her for proof! 🤣🤣

I'm very tempted too. And send her a list of my preferred charities.

OP posts:
Howtogetthrough · 02/12/2025 18:35

I'm actually very much in favour of donating money to charity rather than buying Christmas presents for adults.

Reading some of the threads on MN about the grasping behaviour of quite a few posters who seem to think they are entitled to multiple and expensive gifts, and even compile gift lists, has only strengthened my feelings that I'd much rather give my money to charity.

nadine90 · 02/12/2025 18:36

In theory, fair enough, but make it explicit early on that’s what you’re doing so the (non) recipient can do the same. To accept your gifts and then say that is just cheeky! Bank that one for next year!

Needmorelego · 02/12/2025 18:36

RabbitsNBears · 02/12/2025 18:33

Unfortunately I can't do that. I was well and truly blindsided. We had our Christmas get together and gift exchange with DB and SIL early this year as they have a fabulous holiday to Australia and New Zealand planned - they leave on Thursday and don't come back until mid January!!!! That line came out after we had already handed our gifts over...

Show quote history

Well that sucks 🙁
Hopefully she donated to a charity you are happy to support.

NotMyRealAccount · 02/12/2025 18:37

I'd be happy with this provided they donated to a charity of my choice rather than theirs.

CandyCayne · 02/12/2025 18:38

RabbitsNBears · 02/12/2025 18:35

I'm very tempted too. And send her a list of my preferred charities.

Show quote history

Seriously though, did she show you a receipt or is she saying she stuffed cash into a chuggers tin?

Chatterboxy · 02/12/2025 18:38

CleanandLight109 · 02/12/2025 18:31

I agree.
Send them back a picture of a restaurant meal you are are having.
Caption it: I ate this meal in your honour.

Edited

😂😂😂

LadyKenya · 02/12/2025 18:39

Howtogetthrough · 02/12/2025 18:35

I'm actually very much in favour of donating money to charity rather than buying Christmas presents for adults.

Reading some of the threads on MN about the grasping behaviour of quite a few posters who seem to think they are entitled to multiple and expensive gifts, and even compile gift lists, has only strengthened my feelings that I'd much rather give my money to charity.

This, also people should be giving gifts because they want to, and not expecting something in return. The tit for tat going on this thread, is distasteful, imo.

FuzzyWolf · 02/12/2025 18:40

Tell her you want your donation to go to somewhere that involved evidence eg adopting a donkey at a sanctuary and the donation fee includes an annual update.

Then for ever more, be grateful you don’t have to buy her any gifts again.

TeenLifeMum · 02/12/2025 18:40

Howtogetthrough · 02/12/2025 18:35

I'm actually very much in favour of donating money to charity rather than buying Christmas presents for adults.

Reading some of the threads on MN about the grasping behaviour of quite a few posters who seem to think they are entitled to multiple and expensive gifts, and even compile gift lists, has only strengthened my feelings that I'd much rather give my money to charity.

Compiling gift lists means you’re asking for things you want. Things you wouldn’t ever buy yourself. Why wouldn’t you want to gift someone something they will love? Families not living close mean you just don’t know each other well enough and the risk of duplicating is high 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t treat myself throughout the year much so birthdays and Christmas are the times of year I get those little extras and get to give to others (my whole family shares lists - it’s ideas rather than demands).

Madreamigajefa2 · 02/12/2025 18:41

"That's lovely. Can you send me the link to your message with the donation please? You were right to think that gestures mean more to me than receiving something to unwrap, and I can't wait to read the message in my name and understand why you chose the charity you chose with me in mind."

iSage · 02/12/2025 18:42

I bet they haven't donated. I never trust people who say that out of the blue, unless you actually get a certificate to say you've saved a starving donkey or whatever. It's one thing if you agree in your circle to do this; another if someone just announces it.

Original poster
RabbitsNBears · 02/12/2025 18:42

Howtogetthrough · 02/12/2025 18:35

I'm actually very much in favour of donating money to charity rather than buying Christmas presents for adults.

Reading some of the threads on MN about the grasping behaviour of quite a few posters who seem to think they are entitled to multiple and expensive gifts, and even compile gift lists, has only strengthened my feelings that I'd much rather give my money to charity.

Her gift was a custom daily tear off photo calendar, not hugely expensive, but very meaningful. I spent a massive amount of time and effort putting it together for her with the help of my brother and lovely niece and nephew. Trawling through our phones, her FB page, physical photo albums... the works. It's something that she will interact with everyday and bring her joy.

I'm not saying I expect everyone to put in quite that much effort, but maybe spend more than 30 seconds to wonder "what would RnB like?"

OP posts:
YellowRoom · 02/12/2025 18:42

I'd be so pissed off if someone donated on my behalf to say Mermaids or an org that imports street dogs from overseas. Merry Christmas YellowRoom, thanks so much for your thoughtful, beautifully wrapped gift, I've given your present money to the Good Law Project.

Needmorelego · 02/12/2025 18:43

LadyKenya · 02/12/2025 18:39

This, also people should be giving gifts because they want to, and not expecting something in return. The tit for tat going on this thread, is distasteful, imo.

Show quote history

For me personally Christmas is a time for some nice treats.
That usually is done as gifts.
I don't "expect" a gift but it's nice to have a treat as something to look forward too. The OP has every right to feel a bit disappointed she isn't getting a physical gift when she was assuming the family were giving each other gifts.

ConflictofInterest · 02/12/2025 18:44

I may be projecting here but I get these for annoying family members I don't like that much but who insist on buying me things I don't like and don't want despite me asking them not to. There's been some great ones over the years, toilets, dung, sanitary packages, mosquito nets, all very worthwhile things for the recipients and they thoroughly cheer me up when I receive the, "oh here's your pack of tea towels/chocolate you're allergic to/dog ornament I found in a charity shop that reminded me of your face, which one's my gift....?" A lot do a sweet little card to go with it with a thank you message from the charity, hopefully along with eternal pestering for more donations too.

MaloryJones · 02/12/2025 18:44

CleanandLight109 · 02/12/2025 18:31

I agree.
Send them back a picture of a restaurant meal you are are having.
Caption it: I ate this meal in your honour.

Edited

😆👏