Page 3 | “Oh, I donated to charity for your gift…”

TeenLifeMum · 02/12/2025 19:05

Howtogetthrough · 02/12/2025 18:57

Compiling a gift list shows that you think you are entitled to a gift.
A gift should be given because the gifter wants to give one. Not because the receiver assumes they are entitled to one.

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We ask each other for lists in my family so that doesn’t fit your narrative although yes, I do “feel entitled” to a gift from my dh and can’t imagine a scenario where he wouldn’t buy the woman he loves a gift for Christmas. It’s pretty low expectation to not get a gift from your husband.

NotDarkGothicMama · 02/12/2025 19:07

Wowwee1234 · 02/12/2025 18:52

I've given to charity, a different one every year, for the last 30 years for Christmas instead of buying tat for family who don't need or want it. My sisters assumed I gave little or nothing. Imagine their surprise when I revealed we give hundreds.

A lot of thought goes into picking which charity each year - something topical, important, and where our donation will make a genuine difference.

I would be thrilled if anyone else did the same for me and OPI think your attitude is miserly and self-centred.

Do you still expect the "recipients" to give you a physical present though, or do you ask for charity donations on your behalf too?

DappledThings · 02/12/2025 19:08

It’s pretty low expectation to not get a gift from your husband.
It is not only my expectation but my absolute preference not to get presents from anyone, including DH.

Original poster

RabbitsNBears · 02/12/2025 19:09

WimbyAce · 02/12/2025 19:04

Hang on though, isn't this down to your brother not sister in law? So your brother knew you were doing this extravagant calendar for her and he got you f all?!

DB is notoriously hard to buy for so we get him his favourite whiskey (Aberlour A'bunadh) every year, I think it's a snooze as he knows what it is before he opens it, but he enjoys it. SIL gets a surprise, but I take pride in thinking of the perfect gift - it's one of my love languages.

SIL normally sorts the gifts on their side, we are quite old fashioned and traditional. I think it comes from us being stay at home mums when the kids were little, we are just used to doing that side of things.

OP posts:

Needmorelego · 02/12/2025 19:13

Howtogetthrough · 02/12/2025 18:57

Compiling a gift list shows that you think you are entitled to a gift.
A gift should be given because the gifter wants to give one. Not because the receiver assumes they are entitled to one.

Show quote history

But if in previous years they've always given each other gifts and the SIL didn't say anything in advance - it's not really "entitled" but just you'd be expecting one and have every right to be disappointed that you don't get one.

Nevernonono · 02/12/2025 19:13

LadyKenya · 02/12/2025 18:39

This, also people should be giving gifts because they want to, and not expecting something in return. The tit for tat going on this thread, is distasteful, imo.

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Oh give over! The OP is entitled to be unhappy her gift went to an unknown charity.

You sound so self righteous!

m00rfarm · 02/12/2025 19:15

Howtogetthrough · 02/12/2025 18:35

I'm actually very much in favour of donating money to charity rather than buying Christmas presents for adults.

Reading some of the threads on MN about the grasping behaviour of quite a few posters who seem to think they are entitled to multiple and expensive gifts, and even compile gift lists, has only strengthened my feelings that I'd much rather give my money to charity.

WHich is fine - but let the recipient choose the charity!

PolkaDotPorridge · 02/12/2025 19:15

ahoyshipmate · 02/12/2025 18:29

Cheer up

🙄

AcademyFootball · 02/12/2025 19:16

RabbitsNBears · 02/12/2025 18:28

Just had this line for the first time this year, I don’t like it for a few reasons -

The charities I support are never considered. Surely a donation should go to causes dear to the recipient not the giver.
Call me selfish, but I want a present I can enjoy, I can donate money if I feel I want to. A present should be a treat.
It smacks of people being too lazy to actually think of gift, buy it, and wrap it… it’s far easier to say you made a donation.
I’m doubtful people bother to actually make the donation in many cases.

It just seems like something people do to make themselves feel good. Of course charities are deserving, but put your hand in your own pocket if you feel moved to donate. I'm happy to just axe gift exchanges with people and each of us make a donation to our chosen charities privately, but being blindsided with the fact I’m not actually getting a present after I spent a good deal of time and effort picking the perfect gift for SIL and wrapping it really rankles.

Alternatively, you could (in the eyes of the giver) be a difficult and/or grabby recipient.
Have you ever been ungrateful about a previous present?

m00rfarm · 02/12/2025 19:16

NotDarkGothicMama · 02/12/2025 19:07

Do you still expect the "recipients" to give you a physical present though, or do you ask for charity donations on your behalf too?

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I believe that if you are giving to a charity in lieu of a gift to someone, then that someone should be allowed to assist in choosing which charity the money goes to. Otherwise what is the point?

cariadlet · 02/12/2025 19:17

I like charity gifts for adults rather than having more "stuff". But it has to be agreed in advance.

I started by asking some family members to give me a charity donation instead of a present. After doing that a couple of times, they asked me to do the same for them.

Now we just ask which charity the recipient would like money donated to; the recipient messages back with a few charities that they like to support and the giver chooses one from the list that they are also happy to support.

All nice and transparent. The charities get money and nobody has unwanted clutter.

But that's completely different from accepting a present and then announcing that you aren't reciprocating.

Luna6 · 02/12/2025 19:18

Wowwee1234 · 02/12/2025 18:52

I've given to charity, a different one every year, for the last 30 years for Christmas instead of buying tat for family who don't need or want it. My sisters assumed I gave little or nothing. Imagine their surprise when I revealed we give hundreds.

A lot of thought goes into picking which charity each year - something topical, important, and where our donation will make a genuine difference.

I would be thrilled if anyone else did the same for me and OPI think your attitude is miserly and self-centred.

If only we could all be as perfect as you.

ObelixtheGaul · 02/12/2025 19:19

Wowwee1234 · 02/12/2025 18:52

I've given to charity, a different one every year, for the last 30 years for Christmas instead of buying tat for family who don't need or want it. My sisters assumed I gave little or nothing. Imagine their surprise when I revealed we give hundreds.

A lot of thought goes into picking which charity each year - something topical, important, and where our donation will make a genuine difference.

I would be thrilled if anyone else did the same for me and OPI think your attitude is miserly and self-centred.

There's no problem with opting to give money to charity instead of presents, but what I don't get is when people dress it up as doing it for the would-be recipient. I don't understand the giving someone a card that says 'I have donated to this charity on your behalf'. No, you haven't, you simply gave money to a charity. Fine, that's great, a really good thing to do, but all I need to know is you aren't doing presents this year.

When I donate to charity, I do it for the charity. I don't do it for my relatives. I'm not making a gift out of my charitable donations to somebody else because, to me, that smacks of showing off about what a great person I am (not saying you do this, by the way).

Charitable donations are personal choices, not something you do on someone else's behalf, then make a big song and dance about doing it 'for them'.

Original poster

RabbitsNBears · 02/12/2025 19:20

AcademyFootball · 02/12/2025 19:16

Alternatively, you could (in the eyes of the giver) be a difficult and/or grabby recipient.
Have you ever been ungrateful about a previous present?

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goodness - I hope not. I would be mortified if she thought that. I was always taught to be gracious and write a thank you letter for any gifts - which I still do. Regardless, SIL and DB do usually choose lovely gifts for me, last year I got a set of my favourite Estée Lauder Advance Night Repair which I was tickled pink over.

OP posts:

tinyspiny · 02/12/2025 19:20

So what charity did she donate to in your name @RabbitsNBears ?

DustlandFairytaleBeginning · 02/12/2025 19:21

Tontostitis · 02/12/2025 19:03

Topical and important to you presumably. Id be very upset if you gave to topical charities tbh that sounds like you love a bandwagon and would give to Mermaids and the like Be honest and say I'm giving you nothing but instead giving to things I care about so off you trot peasant I know better than you.

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That feels like a bit of a stretch. I assume topical means collections for any recent natural disasters.

WhamBamThankU · 02/12/2025 19:21

Donated to her flights me thinks

Needmorelego · 02/12/2025 19:22

@Wowwee1234 back when you did buy gifts why did you buy (quote) "tat for family who don't need or want it"?
Why didn't you gift something they actually wanted?

ObelixtheGaul · 02/12/2025 19:23

cariadlet · 02/12/2025 19:17

I like charity gifts for adults rather than having more "stuff". But it has to be agreed in advance.

I started by asking some family members to give me a charity donation instead of a present. After doing that a couple of times, they asked me to do the same for them.

Now we just ask which charity the recipient would like money donated to; the recipient messages back with a few charities that they like to support and the giver chooses one from the list that they are also happy to support.

All nice and transparent. The charities get money and nobody has unwanted clutter.

But that's completely different from accepting a present and then announcing that you aren't reciprocating.

That's a great way to do it. No show-offy 'I did this for you' crap, everybody involved and making a conscious decision to give to whom they choose.

DinoLil · 02/12/2025 19:23

That is just a shitty excuse @RabbitsNBears I bet she didn't donate anything to anywhere and just saved the money for her trip.

You know what to do next year.

The only time I've ever had a charity donation given on my behalf instead of a gift was by my adult son. He gave me the certificate he was sent in acknowledgement of the donation, in my name, and I was overwhelmed. It was perfect. It was something that has been so close to my heart for decades, not something I talk about and I love him for being so thoughtful.

Specialagentblond · 02/12/2025 19:25

Name a donkey after her

ObelixtheGaul · 02/12/2025 19:25

DinoLil · 02/12/2025 19:23

That is just a shitty excuse @RabbitsNBears I bet she didn't donate anything to anywhere and just saved the money for her trip.

You know what to do next year.

The only time I've ever had a charity donation given on my behalf instead of a gift was by my adult son. He gave me the certificate he was sent in acknowledgement of the donation, in my name, and I was overwhelmed. It was perfect. It was something that has been so close to my heart for decades, not something I talk about and I love him for being so thoughtful.

And that is the other decent way to do this. A charity you know means a lot to the recipient.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 02/12/2025 19:26

Without evidence I don't believe for a second she did - if you sponsor a loo / orangutan orphan / whatever in someone's honour you get a gift cert.

I'd just say, no worries, let's skip the gifts from next year.

Original poster

RabbitsNBears · 02/12/2025 19:28

tinyspiny · 02/12/2025 19:20

So what charity did she donate to in your name @RabbitsNBears ?

She didn't say. We were heading to our cars after dinner, I handed over their gifts, we were given DHs wine selection (he's just as boring as DB!!!) and I was told mine was a charity donation. There wasn't really time for questions as we were heading our seperate way, as I was a bit shocked in all honesty. The card doesn't mention it. I think maybe they just forgot me.

OP posts:

Allswellthatendswelll · 02/12/2025 19:29

Madreamigajefa2 · 02/12/2025 18:41

"That's lovely. Can you send me the link to your message with the donation please? You were right to think that gestures mean more to me than receiving something to unwrap, and I can't wait to read the message in my name and understand why you chose the charity you chose with me in mind."

This is perfect!

Honestly she's obviously a CF! If she's so keen on donating to charity she can make a donation on her own behalf.