“Oh, I donated to charity for your gift…”

[RabbitsNBears]

Just had this line for the first time this year, I don’t like it for a few reasons -

• The charities I support are never considered. Surely a donation should go to causes dear to the recipient not the giver.
• Call me selfish, but I want a present I can enjoy, I can donate money if I feel I want to. A present should be a treat.
• It smacks of people being too lazy to actually think of gift, buy it, and wrap it… it’s far easier to say you made a donation.
• I’m doubtful people bother to actually make the donation in many cases.

It just seems like something people do to make themselves feel good. Of course charities are deserving, but put your hand in your own pocket if you feel moved to donate. I'm happy to just axe gift exchanges with people and each of us make a donation to our chosen charities privately, but being blindsided with the fact I’m not actually getting a present after I spent a good deal of time and effort picking the perfect gift for SIL and wrapping it really rankles.

Gosh it's even worse that your DH got something I presumed it was a joint gift. There's no way you were forgotten if they brought a gift for your DH. They actively chose to not get you anything.

Why can’t be people be honest? ‘Let’s not do presents this year. I’d rather give to charity’. Or is it that they:

• are hoping they still get a present
• like to make it all about themselves. Look how sanctimonious I am donating to charity in your name.

One year me and my partner, not long after we'd got together, bought this beautiful vase for his sister in law, it was lovely, and not cheap. She bought us a tiny plastic test tube of horrible bright pink bath salts, I mean 50p from a charity shop, the sort of thing that's like an insult present, it genuinely would've been better to get nothing at all. I just never ever ever bought her a present ever again, it's been 25 years now and I buy lovely presents for everyone else. I know how to hold a grudge 🤣

But the thing is, it's not really your money. It's the receiver's money once you have decided to gift them something. I donate monthly to 4 different charities. I could tell my family that this is their Christmas and birthday gifts from now on but I recognise that I have chosen to give that money away and it's not at all the same thing as a gift. If you want to donate to a charity, you should do it but you can't expect to enjoy the feeling of donating and also feel like you've given someone a gift.

This. Definitely!

I agree with you OP. Great, if you've asked for a donation to a random charity on your behalf. CF if you've bought a gift and they've bought a goat for someone else

If the understanding is that you exchange gifts but the would-be gift-giver then decides to make a donation instead, they're essentially donating your money, not theirs - and saving themselves effort and postage into the bargain.

Is this ok? I don't want to sound ungrateful.

Hi Mice and Tiger. Bear and I really enjoyed your company this evening, we’re so excited for your fabulous holiday and are already looking forward to following along with your adventures on Facebook!

The wine selection you chose for Bear is as inspired as ever, thank you, there might be none left to share with you when you get home.

Thank you also for the thoughtful donation you are making on my behalf. If not already made may I gently suggest that Parkinsons UK and Save The Children as the benefactors as these are close to my heart.

Merry Christmas and lots of love, Rabbit.

Way more gracious many would send...

Honestly though i think she doesnt like you.
It's just bizzare ...

Scratch the gushing first paragraph. There's no need for any of that.

Yeah, no. I wouldn't even acknowledge it. She hasn't given you a gift so why are you thanking her? You're being a doormat and she's trampling all over you

Don't send any thanks. You are not grateful as you didn't get a gift. Your DH can text his thanks if he can be bothered. Let this be the year you give up the wife work.

But that’s not a gift for the OP, is it? Fair enough to ask people to donate to charity on your behalf rather than buying you a present but making a donation to a charity of your choice rather than buying someone a present, that’s just tight particularly if you don’t mention it in advance and still accept a present in return. You just made a donation, you haven’t ‘gifted’ anything

It's like spending someone else's money or offering someone else's time/skills.

If you've bought them something, keep it.

It's the same as saying 'For your present, I bought some delicious chocolate and then decided to eat it' - same result, they get the pleasure, you get nothing.

We get on very well, we often message and meet up for coffee without our husbands. This is out of character, nothing seemed amiss at dinner. I feel like I want to give her the benefit of the doubt since this isn't a pattern of behaviour but a one-off incident. As I said earlier, perhaps all the organisation for the holiday got on top of her and this was the thing that slipped - I know my DB won;t have been pulling his weight in that regard as he's somewhat of a technophobe. I think none of us want to be judged on the basis of our missteps.

Dude, don't send that man. They're walking all over you and you're letting them!!

Tell them you're looking forward to the link with their message as suggested by a PP and next year tell them there's no need for gifts for each other. Let your bloke sort his own family out.

Totally agree

I'd rather get nothing then have someone tell me they donated to their favourite charity not mine, no doubt, in my name. And I don't want to be on someone else's 'favourite charity' mailing list!

I really don't understand your reasoning that it is the receivers money. That is taking materialism to a real extreme. It makes gift giving sound even more distasteful than usual.

When I donate money to charity at Christmas as a gift I usually buy a virtual gift and there is a card which describes what the donated money will buy for the charity.
And I give that card to the person to show what the gift is.

I don't see what the problem is with that.

Any decent person would be glad that money which could have been spent on an item they don't really need, or could have bought themselves if they really wanted it, is actually going to do some good in the world.

I thought most charity gifts came with a card with the relevant picture e.g of a loo, a goat etc or a fridge magnet or something. Some kind of proof basically! So, either they haven't really done anything about it or it was more informal, like pushing a tenner in a collector's tin.
There's no harm in suggesting your preferred charities if they mean they haven't actually acted on the idea yet. Seems you're putting a lot more effort into the gift giving than the rest of them so maybe stop.

Although I don't like the wishy-washy generic and unspecified statement of "I gave to charity as your gift", I would much prefer that a donation to a charity that I support be given rather than myself receiving a physical gift.
I don't like receiving physical gifts.

If it's something that I absolutely really really would want/love /need then I will be over the moon for your thoughtfulness and consideration.
But more likely than not the item will be something I don't want/love/need, something stupid and wasteful, and I don't take pleasure in that at all. It makes me upset.

If you spend £20 on some useless garbage white elephant style present, that's money that could have gone towards our local humane society...buying kitten food, or spay and neutering cats and dogs.

While I agree that a generic statement of giving to charity seems like a cop out, an actual donation to an actual charity would actually make me much happier than some cheap chocolate I can't eat, some bath products that will give me dermatitis, some sweater that I don't like and won't wear or some singing, light up, dancing Santa hat wearing pile of poop 💩 that takes four AA batteries (not included), that I'm sure you thought was funny, but I think it's disgraceful
(And yes that was a gift I received one year)

I think doing this is fine - but the "recipient" should be the one to choose the charity, and the decision should be made early enough for them to know, in case they want to do the same instead of buying a physical gift.

Perhaps they actually wanted to benefit a worthwhile charity ?
Why make something decent out to be a lazy and unpleasant act?

I've seen this done before and also find it bizarre. A gift is when one person gives something to another person. They haven't given anything to you, they've given it to the charity. It isn't about the money or the item, it's about receiving something (anything!) otherwise how can they say they've given you a gift?!

What's so decent about it? If they want to benefit a worthwhile charity there's nothing to stop them doing that as well. It doesn't have to be instead of buying the OP a gift.

Golly, I’m not used to being assertive. How is this? @SalmonOnFinnCrisp @TryingAgainAgainAgain @Pollqueen @gamerchick

Hi Mice and Tiger. Good to catch up ahead of your exciting trip, have a fabulous time.

The wine selection you chose for Bear is as inspired as ever, thank you, there may be none left to share with you when you get home!

Thank you also for the donation you are making on my behalf. If not already made may I gently suggest that Parkinsons UK and Save The Children as these are close to my heart.

Merry Christmas and lots of love, Rabbit.

My sister once did this, for my children who had massively less than hers did. Sanctimonious twat. She only got worse.