“Oh, I donated to charity for your gift…”

[RabbitsNBears]

Just had this line for the first time this year, I don’t like it for a few reasons -

• The charities I support are never considered. Surely a donation should go to causes dear to the recipient not the giver.
• Call me selfish, but I want a present I can enjoy, I can donate money if I feel I want to. A present should be a treat.
• It smacks of people being too lazy to actually think of gift, buy it, and wrap it… it’s far easier to say you made a donation.
• I’m doubtful people bother to actually make the donation in many cases.

It just seems like something people do to make themselves feel good. Of course charities are deserving, but put your hand in your own pocket if you feel moved to donate. I'm happy to just axe gift exchanges with people and each of us make a donation to our chosen charities privately, but being blindsided with the fact I’m not actually getting a present after I spent a good deal of time and effort picking the perfect gift for SIL and wrapping it really rankles.

And

"Sorry about the calorific pudding, I know you're on a diet" 🤣

oooh that made me giggle. I did just have a double espresso for pud whereas she had a bread & butter pudding.

I hardly get any Christmas cards these days... because people say they're not sending them but donating to charity instead.. have they not heard of charity Christmas cards?. I've bought two ten packs.. one pack from The National Autistic society and the other from The Cats protection. I only buy one stamp to send to an old school friend who lives miles away.. others are for neighbours/ friends/ relatives who l see.

Agreed! The fact they are also about to embark on a very lengthy trip away also suggests they have saved the money to spend on their holiday.

I have no problem with charity gifts but it has to be an agreement between all parties involved beforehand.

YADNBU to be frustrated and sceptical I would absolutely ask for proof.

It should be agreed in advance - and yes it should be charity you are known to support - and there should be evidence - the postcard picture of your goat or whatever

but surely you haven’t exchanged gifts yet - can you find something else to do with the gift you bought sil

I've given to charity, a different one every year, for the last 30 years for Christmas instead of buying tat for family who don't need or want it. My sisters assumed I gave little or nothing. Imagine their surprise when I revealed we give hundreds.

A lot of thought goes into picking which charity each year - something topical, important, and where our donation will make a genuine difference.

I would be thrilled if anyone else did the same for me and OPI think your attitude is miserly and self-centred.

I don't think it's about saving for the trip, I really hope not, they're rather flush. But perhaps all the planing and preparation for the holiday they forgot. In that case I would have preferred an IOU and had them pick me up a little trinket from their travels, I've never been that far and I collect fridge magnets for example.

But that was your choice to do that OP.

She chose to gift in the way she wanted to.

I would love that! A donation to a good cause without something extra for my house that I'd need to find a home for etc. A win-win situation!

She didn't gift in the way she wanted to though? There's actually no evidence she gifted at all.

I'm sorry they have been so thoughtless Rabbits did they get anyone else a gift?

Compiling a gift list shows that you think you are entitled to a gift.
A gift should be given because the gifter wants to give one. Not because the receiver assumes they are entitled to one.

But it sounds like it’s a charity that benefits you or makes you feel good about yourself. What’s in it for the recipient given they have no say in it or possibly any interest in that charity? Surely you are just donating to charity, which lots of people do, and it’s not as a gift for someone.

Helpful.

You are right imo OP

Its just shoddy

I don't know since we are the only family on DBs side and mum & dad are no longer with us (RIP). I can't say what happened with her side.

Thats def a bit of a fuck you "gift"

Well you know what to get her next year!

I kind of get you, OP.

I remember the year a friend and her husband accepted really quite decent Christmas presents from me for themselves and children for under their tree, and then their present to us nearer Christmas was a postcard with a distressed looking donkey on it with the donation message It had been her bloody idea to swap presents ‘for the children’ in the first place, because she knew they got bugger all from their absent father, and I was running myself ragged trying to make ends meet and make it all work.

I do admire some (not all) animal rescues & sanctuaries, but I felt like the ‘friend’ had accepted presents from me under false pretences. It felt unbalanced that my DC had helped choose presents for her DC, but my young DC ended up with a postcard of an unwell donkey. They’d have been happy with a selection box.

We only do charity gifts for adults on my side of the family and I love it not having to think about it much or find space for some unwanted new object. But it should be done after checking everyone is on board with the plan

Fair enough but say in advance. Accepting a gift and then saying you are donating to charity for the return gift is wankerish behaviour.

Every year my ds makes a donation to homeless ex-racing greyhounds as part of my Christmas present. We have two retired racers ourselves, so he knows it means a lot to me (all of us, actually).

And, every year he puts the message/receipt for the donation in my Christmas card...did that get 'lost', by any chance 🤔by your 'thoughtful' relative?

She made a donation to the ' sitting on my fat selfish arse, on my holidays! ' fund.

Precisely. If DB & SIL asked me I would have said that I thought it was a lovely idea and how about going forward we don't continue with gift giving but each make donations to charities we feel strongly about. No such discussion happened.

It’s like the friends who make the announcement that they are not sending cards this year but making a small donation to charity. Yeah. Sure you will. One of my friends does it every year and then is hurt that we don’t bother sending them a card.

Topical and important to you presumably. Id be very upset if you gave to topical charities tbh that sounds like you love a bandwagon and would give to Mermaids and the like Be honest and say I'm giving you nothing but instead giving to things I care about so off you trot peasant I know better than you.

YANBU. If you'd asked for a charity donation, that would be lovely, but they gave away your present to make themselves feel good while still expecting to receive a present themselves. How odd.

Good point about the choice of charity too. If someone donated to Stonewall on my behalf, I'd be hopping mad!

Hang on though, isn't this down to your brother not sister in law? So your brother knew you were doing this extravagant calendar for her and he got you f all?!