“Oh, I donated to charity for your gift…”

[RabbitsNBears]

Just had this line for the first time this year, I don’t like it for a few reasons -

• The charities I support are never considered. Surely a donation should go to causes dear to the recipient not the giver.
• Call me selfish, but I want a present I can enjoy, I can donate money if I feel I want to. A present should be a treat.
• It smacks of people being too lazy to actually think of gift, buy it, and wrap it… it’s far easier to say you made a donation.
• I’m doubtful people bother to actually make the donation in many cases.

It just seems like something people do to make themselves feel good. Of course charities are deserving, but put your hand in your own pocket if you feel moved to donate. I'm happy to just axe gift exchanges with people and each of us make a donation to our chosen charities privately, but being blindsided with the fact I’m not actually getting a present after I spent a good deal of time and effort picking the perfect gift for SIL and wrapping it really rankles.

I take your charity gift and raise you tea bags.

after many years of my SIL insisting on wish lists (which I am not a fan of ) and her receiving a spa day, while I received socks, I had an idea 💡 Her creeping behaviour was disruptive to our usual normal in-laws Christmas. Of about £20 per person.

I would set a Budget for adults. Was the idea. So she requested things way over, way over. And I suggested a hamper.

she secured Black Friday restaurant vouchers for herself, I opened up PG tips tea bags.

Unfortunately, I had given birth four days before and went home and sent a polite message saying I was withdrawing from adult present requests. she continues to send her children’s ridiculous demands. I ignore them, but a normal gift and get her tea bags.

it still makes me cross but I just remember that ultimately I have more to care about than those who think so little of me. my friends think it is hilarious, because a small nicely thought hamper has resulted in tea bag wars.

like you, it was the lack of thought.

Well there is actually.
I certainly can't afford to donate money to charity at Christmas AND buy Christmas gifts .
And personally I prefer to help worthwhile charities rather than pander to materialism.

Poor you. I agree with you on Wishlists, half of the fun is a surprise. Well, when the surprise isn't teabags I suppose.

You all sound quite grabby.

One of my relatives just did this. She donated to a charity she likes and hasn't even told us which one it is. My sibling works for a local charity and they always need donations - if she had donated to them it would have felt personal and special.

But this just feels like something she should have done anyway - if you want to support a charity then do it don't use it as a way to avoid thinking of gifts

You sound like a virtue signaller.

I agree it’s a really shitty and bizarre thing to spring on children.

Well in that case you ask that a donation is made to charity in lieu of receiving a gift, not instead of giving one.

Unilaterally deciding that someone who has chosen and paid for a gift for you is not getting one in return is not being generous, it's being sanctimonious. It's very easy to decide that someone else is going to make a sacrifice.

The goat and the school meals for poor children in Africa (we were on benefits), very shitty.

Can you please let us know where you ordered the calendar! I want to get one as a gift. Such a lovely gift idea.

I don't understand your transactional view of gift giving.

If somebody choses to go out and buy a gift, wrap it, and give it to someone then that is their choice to do it.

If they only do it because they expect the other person to go out and do the same it destroys any thought or sentiment in the gift giving. It is purely a materialistic exchange.

If gifts are given they should be given freely without expectation of getting something in return.

It's all so mercenary.

But your ‘worthwhile charity’ might be an organisation that is problematic for others, as pp have said, citing eg Mermaids and Stonewall that promote a controversial ideology.

Wow sil that's such a heartfelt idea. Pop me your gift back and I'll drop it at Barnardos...

If they only do it because they expect the other person to go out and do the same it destroys any thought or sentiment in the gift giving. It is purely a materialistic exchange.

So why don't you ask for gifts to be made in your name to charities instead of deciding others would like that as a gift? It's hardly thoughtful or sentimental to donate to charities on behalf of others who may not wish to support those causes.

I used this website https://socialprintstudio.com/products/daily-calendar

As a word of warning it is US based, we didn't have to pay any customs but you do run the risk when ordering from abroad.

This. You can say 'don't buy me anything, please donate to x if you were going to get a gift for me'. But in OPs situation the CF gets to choose the charity, gets the warm glow of giving AND gets a beautifully chosen gift from OP. Where's the exchange here because that all looks pretty one way to me!

The charities i support are hardly controversial.
If the person I give the gift too has a problem with helping working donkeys in the third world, Unicef, or organisations helping prevent animal cruelty, or supporting vulnerable people at Christmas I 'd like to know. Because if they did object then they wouldn't be the type of person I would really like to have anything much to do with.

Exactly.

You have no right to feel smug about deciding someone else wants a charity donation in their name instead of a gift. As I said, that's just sanctimonious.

I’m with you OP, it’s shitty, we were ‘given’ a donation to a Christian charity for a wedding present, were both atheists as the giver well knew. I just think if you want to give to charity then give your own money, but if someone gives you a gift then you either ask them for the name of a charity they want you to donate to if you know they’d like that, or give them a proper gift.

When I worked at Oxfam it was widely accepted the the fund a goat thing was a shitting waste of time and money. “Here, you can scarcely carry water to drink, but have this needy creature and pray it will die so you can at least eat the fecker”. (Truth be told I did tell my SIL I’d bought one in her name. I hadn’t)

Make sure you send a gazillion photos a day from your fabulous vacation and be thankful that henceforth you will never have to wrap a gift for her again.

You don't invite people round for dinner solely so they will invite you back, but you'd be a bit cheesed off if they never returned the invitation but smugly told you they had made a donation to the RSPB instead.

But you're not 'giving the gift too [sic]' anyone. You're receiving a gift, and donating to charity instead of buying someone else one. You know you can donate to charity AND reciprocate gift giving, or tell the other person you don't want one yourself. You're choosing the illogically selfish yet virtue signalling route.

I don't understand your point.
I would never ask anyone to give me a gift. If they chose to then fair enough. But I have no expectation and I would never be so cheeky as to assume that they were going to.

When you donate to a charity in lieu of a present for someone, the charity will give you a little card, saying that a donation has been made in your name. If you didn’t get one of these cards, I would doubt very much if a donation has been made.

But why don’t you simply say “I don’t give adults gifts”. I would give no shits about not getting a gift. You spend your hard-earned on what you like.