What marriage mistakes do you see people around you making?

[Brost]

So this is inspired by having spent time with my cousin and her husband this weekend. She’s an overall good person but she can be a little tone deaf re how she treats her husband. For some reason she thinks it’s funny to talk down to him and patronise him. Ie she dropped some packaging on the floor and said “don’t worry Tom will pick that up”. If it was a one off it could be funny. But it’s non stop and almost awkward. Her husband is actually a decent guy. He tolerates it but I just don’t think it’s healthy. People shift uncomfortably when she speaks down to him.

Im not being superior or smug. I’m sure we all have our things which we do that is less than ideal.

It got me thinking what I might have become desensitised to in my marriage. Hoping something someone shares hits home and gives me food for thought. I think sometimes I may not be as engaged as I should. Ie I will have a conversation whilst looking at my mobile.

I think it’s just an easy win for my cousin. I’m all for having a laugh and a bit of banter but she just missed the mark. And I’m not the only one who thinks so.

Do you see similar?

I hope no one sees this as a female bashing thread. It just so happens to be a woman who got me thinking.

i guess im just looking for easy wins. I think we all slip into bad habits in our marriages

Mismatches in spending. Limited income and one partner won’t stick to a budget

Mismatches in spending. Limited income and one partner won’t stick to a budget

Doing it in the first place!
People don't ask basic questions such as if the person wants kids, what style of parenting they want to use, if they like holidays, if they save or have savings...people just seem to think they've hit the jackpot if anyone agrees to impregnate them without thinking the next 70 years should be spent connected to this person if you have a kid.

You only see a snapshot of anyone’s marriage I guess. But I’d say fundamentally people’s relationship issues come down to communication- they either talk down to each other (often woman to man) or are too authoritarian (often man to woman- dismissive and bossy) or they just plain don’t communicate at all- woman focused on work and kids balance and husband off working and doing hobbies like he’s not a dad. Or mismatched in interests eg one marathon runner and a shopaholic. But again not communicating and finding a middle ground.

You never know what goes on in a marriage. It would never occur to me to assess "mistakes" in another person's marriage!

Hardly ever shagging (unless both parties have low sex drives and don’t want to). Unpopular but true.

Making assumptions and not communicating.
People just dont talk about things properly.

Putting down their partner in front of others in the name of banter, but not realising how relentless they’re being. Some female members of my family are awful for this, I feel like it wouldn’t go unchecked if it was the men doing it.

Starting off married life with a limited income but having massively overspent first on a big fat KatiePrice style wedding. Madness.

The bit where they say, "I do".

Of course you only see a snapshot and don’t know the inner intricacies of a marriage.

But sometimes it’s very very clear from the outside. Maybe it’s almost easier to see from an abstract perspective

Competing and being resentful with eachother instead of taking care of eachother when they're sick.

For example, when im sick - by DH treats me like a princess. He runs me a bath, brings me food and drink, takes care of everything for me. When hes sick I do the exact same thing. However, I see a lot of people (on here especially) saying things like "oh he can bloody get on with it... he has to put up shelves today with a cold because I had to paint the kitchen when I had the flu!"

Treat others how you want to be treated!

Agree with lack of / poor communication; also no / little care and affection for each other; I see a lot of women put their men down, or whinge about them being a 'manchild' so they 'have to' do everything because they won't 'get it right'; but I also see a lot of men being utter shits to the person they're supposed to care about. It's sad. I guess they lose any empathy they may have had when they sign on the dotted line.

The main thing I see is people making it all about the wedding, not the marriage. It doesn't matter if your chair covers don't match your napkins. It does matter if the wife doesn't match the husband.

Mostly just that they marry the wrong person.

My opinion is the mistake of marring for money.
Marry for money miss out on love.

Champagne tastes and beer money wages and the reverse also .

people who need to get a ‘pass out’ to do anything at all off their own back - I don’t mean if it’s constant - even the once or twice a month

Putting their dreams above yours - it leads to smouldering resentment.

TBF I was so committed/wanting a “perfect” marriage that I really believed being the cool wife was a good thing. I didn’t want to “nag” or stop him doing stuff which with 35 years of hindsight shows me I didn’t put myself first/equally.

we are ok now but went through years of unhappiness because I couldn’t say “no” for fear of being “uncool”/needy etc.

When our DC were little, two of my friends left perfectly good marriages to decent men because they werent "in love anymore."

The kids grew up not living with their dads full-time and the mums are still single and not particularly fulfilled.

I think they should have stuck with their marriages and kept their families together.

I'm guilty of that one. And I do think it'll be the downfall of my marriage.

This!!!

What's your definition of a "perfectly good" marriage?

Most people don't leave marriages on a whim, often agonising over the decision for years and staying for far longer than is healthy. Especially when there are children.

Mostly the mistakes are getting married and then staying married in the hope that they will change and then allowing yourself to become trapped. I have worn this t-shirt for decades.

Competing / tit for tat mentality.
Friends of ours talk a lot about "brownie points" exchanging and to us it just doesn't seem that healthy. We try not to score points against each other as we find it leads to sniping and resentment.
But maybe the brownie points idea works for some people so I guess it's each couple to their own.

Immaturity and selfishness.

My husband went out with a lot of "dad mates" recently, and one of the dads was bragging about how he could go out as much as he wanted and his partner picked up all the parenting.

The other dads were all aghast because although parenting life chafes us all at times, they actually love their wives and kids.