What marriage mistakes do you see people around you making?

[Brost]

So this is inspired by having spent time with my cousin and her husband this weekend. She’s an overall good person but she can be a little tone deaf re how she treats her husband. For some reason she thinks it’s funny to talk down to him and patronise him. Ie she dropped some packaging on the floor and said “don’t worry Tom will pick that up”. If it was a one off it could be funny. But it’s non stop and almost awkward. Her husband is actually a decent guy. He tolerates it but I just don’t think it’s healthy. People shift uncomfortably when she speaks down to him.

Im not being superior or smug. I’m sure we all have our things which we do that is less than ideal.

It got me thinking what I might have become desensitised to in my marriage. Hoping something someone shares hits home and gives me food for thought. I think sometimes I may not be as engaged as I should. Ie I will have a conversation whilst looking at my mobile.

I think it’s just an easy win for my cousin. I’m all for having a laugh and a bit of banter but she just missed the mark. And I’m not the only one who thinks so.

Do you see similar?

I hope no one sees this as a female bashing thread. It just so happens to be a woman who got me thinking.

i guess im just looking for easy wins. I think we all slip into bad habits in our marriages

This is one of those situations that you don’t really know why they left and you have to trust their decisions. I think you are better off alone than with the wrong person.

Not particularly married, but I see couples out for dinner, on their phones. Not talking to each other for the whole meal.
I also overhear couples being very passive aggressive to each other on holiday, stressed out, irritated by each other. Tense atmosphere and even worse if kids are there.
I am single, and these moments make me thankful I at least don't have to navigate being in someone's company that I dont enjoy!

I have a chronic illness and DP often does everything in the house during a flare. This week was the first week I've seen him properly ill. I did everything. I struggled cos chronic illness, and I did things like a quick kitchen clean rather than deep clean, but I made it so he didn't need to do anything. (And then he got a bit better and I caught the same chest infection, but the point is-he's my partner, I'm meant to make his life better!)

The biggest mistake people make is getting married & thinking they will be able to change them.

No I don’t agree in staying in a relationship when you don’t love someone. That’s wrong. For them and you.

Having children if both of you are not 100% comitted to doing so.

The 'joking' put down in front of others which makes the 'joker' look big and the other partner look small. But it's not the 'joker's' fault...because, apparently, the other person can't take a joke. I've seen this done by both men and women but to be honest more often by men. I think it is part of a need to feel superior without obviously looking bad themselves. Unfortunately it often does get a laugh.

I definitely disagree with the poster above who said about marrying across class/culture/ religion. I have mixed heritage and my parents were married for 45 years till death did them part.
I think people make the mistake of taking each other for granted and growing apart as the children grow up.
Ive been with my husband for over 20 years and can honestly say I love and appreciate (and fancy) him more than ever. We don’t take each other for granted, we show our appreciation for what each other does and we’ve always fostered our relationship as a couple. He is my favourite human that I didn’t give birth to and as hard as it is watching the children slowly spend less time with us, we are loving getting more time together as a couple.
(Edited to correct spelling mistake.)

This might have been the best thing for our marriage. My husband is a hoarder and won’t let me have decorators to decorate our house

I've seen a few where the woman has done the majority of looking after the baby (normal, maternity leave etc), but basically becomes the expert and the man then loses confidence. She doesn't trust him to deal with the baby as he doesn't do stuff as well, or does it differently. It's easier for her to do it all herself.

This then continues... She's the lead on childcare and he's second best. She takes on the associated child admin and often house and life admin too.

Later, resentment on both sides.

Trying to talk the husband round to having another baby when he doesn’t want one, or even worse engineering an “accidental” pregnancy.

This is so interesting. I am in Australia where this really isn't a thing at all. I am always amazed at the continued class stratification in the UK. I mean unless your parents are living in a castle, how 'rich' could they possibly be? I come from a working class family and was almost removed into care by DOCS as a teen, whilst my husband's dad ran an airline and hung out with Qatari businessmen, had a marquee at the Indy etc, Porches...never once did they ever make me feel out of place. This makes me sad.

Your cousin sounds horrible - her behaviour is coercive and bullying. Her poor DP.

That is because you are normal and the UK class system is not. I am from a working class family and recently was fascinated by a documentary about an aristocratic family running a castle, etc. The castle was in Scotland and the aristo guy married a very rich woman, a Cadbury (chocolate heiress). This chocolate woman, who married a marquis, literally saved the castle, the family she married into, from ruin, as they did not have a pot to piss in, those aristos, and the journalist who was interviewing her, a multi-zillionaire, was asking her 'what it was like to marry up'? Wtaf? Marry up, my arse, But here we are, life here is stranger than fiction.

I'm Australian too. I think this really is an English/UK thing. Even marrying across ethnic lines seems less of an issue in Aus (usually). We are better integrated as a country.

Taking their families side over their spouses and/or letting their family be rude to them and not saying anything to stick up for their spouse

I know because they both talked to me at length about it before leaving. They broke up functioning families because the weren't "in love" any more.

The fathers continued to support their kids financially and emotionally and remarried. My friends went on UC and remained single. Both are painfully aware of what they threw away.

I'm Australian too. I think this really is an English/UK thing. Even marrying across ethnic lines seems less of an issue in Aus (usually). We are better integrated as a country.

It really isn't a British thing. And no way is Australia better integrated racially than the UK.

I hate seeing this. Putting their partner down in public and selling it as a joke is one of the things that makes me really dislike a person. It is more often than not men that do it and then it is followed by 'only joking' 'when did you lose your sense of humour' shit if their partner calls them out on it. I think it is one of the public signs of a really bad partner who is highly likely to be alot worse behind closed doors.

I agree, it's emotional abuse.

Surely it's getting married having a child and then having an affair with your red flag of an ex who you are planning to get pregnant with immediately (because "he's broody")... while simulteously launching your OF career because you cant get a job in "beauty" despite half the industry being self employed....!

I agree. As I said it’s subjective. For instance my husband regularly works away.
I’m sure there are some who would see that as a mistake.

I see a lot of women that I know who treat their husbands very badly. It's a subtle, but seemingly relentless series of cruel behaviour. The constant eye rolling, laughing, the "here, just let me do it"! type of comments whenever their husbands attempt to get involved.

Not listening to any opinions their husband has regarding parenting. It's their way or no way. God forbid their husband made any decision around the children by themselves. It's sad, because children need their fathers, but the mothers are doing everything they can to make sure the fathers have no say in their children's lives.

These same women constantly complain how "fucking useless" their husband's are.

I also see a couple who have put their children first, in everything. Their relationship has devolved into nothing more than babysitters. They have no life outside of their children. When the kids have grown up, those parents will be strangers. The mother admitted to me that they haven't had sex in almost three years, because she wants the kids to sleep in their bed, and she also thinks that having sex when the kids are in the house is "disgusting".

Lastly, I know a couple who can't make any decisions without involving both sets of parents. Everything, no matter how trivial, has to be approved by them.

Surely we all look at other people’s relationships and raise at the least, a mental eyebrow. Or more likely disect it in the car on the way home from visiting.

a friend who will spot her husband coming down the stairs wearing something eccentric and just shouts ‘no’ and turns him round to get changed. They have vibes of the posh couple from gogglebox.

Mismatched sex drives and lack of honest
communication around it. Often worsened by one partner (usually the woman) perpetuating the narrative that sex is just some
”nice to have” add on to a relationship and the other partner (usually the man) should “consider themselves lucky when they get some” and “won’t die without it” rather than acknowledging that a healthy sex life is a key component to a healthy relationship.