What marriage mistakes do you see people around you making?

[Brost]

So this is inspired by having spent time with my cousin and her husband this weekend. She’s an overall good person but she can be a little tone deaf re how she treats her husband. For some reason she thinks it’s funny to talk down to him and patronise him. Ie she dropped some packaging on the floor and said “don’t worry Tom will pick that up”. If it was a one off it could be funny. But it’s non stop and almost awkward. Her husband is actually a decent guy. He tolerates it but I just don’t think it’s healthy. People shift uncomfortably when she speaks down to him.

Im not being superior or smug. I’m sure we all have our things which we do that is less than ideal.

It got me thinking what I might have become desensitised to in my marriage. Hoping something someone shares hits home and gives me food for thought. I think sometimes I may not be as engaged as I should. Ie I will have a conversation whilst looking at my mobile.

I think it’s just an easy win for my cousin. I’m all for having a laugh and a bit of banter but she just missed the mark. And I’m not the only one who thinks so.

Do you see similar?

I hope no one sees this as a female bashing thread. It just so happens to be a woman who got me thinking.

i guess im just looking for easy wins. I think we all slip into bad habits in our marriages

Not helping. Like going somewhere and one partner unpacks the car while the other partner stuffs around. Or when they have guests one does all the food and drinks etc and the other just talks.

Forgetting pleasentries, table manners, swearing, raising voice.

This more or less. Assuming that because you are married or in a partnership, good manners no longer matter.

Having a girlfriend and if you are going to have a girlfriend saving her in your phone with hearts.

Not making time to go out on dates (especially after children).

Yup, and things like using the toilet in front of each other. Or not being hygienic enough. I know we all have bodies etc etc, but if you want to continue being turned on by your partner, watching someone taking a shit is going to definitely give the ick.

yeah that'd do it.

Each person wanting to be the captain of the ship instead of shipmates. Disaster

A relative’s husband and father of her primary-aged child is one of those absolutely fucking useless MN men who does fuck all child rearing or housework. He’s really fucking grumpy and isn’t even the breadwinner in the household. She stays with him for the sake of the child.

Getting married!

I’ll turn this on its head and give some examples of where I’ve seen very successful marriages.

1. Keeping separate interests and friends.
2. Being flirty and kind to each other.
3. Equal division of labour and respect for each other’s money and time.
4. Teamwork as regards children.
5. Spending time together as a couple-even if it’s just when the kids have gone to bed.
6. Respect-its the bedrock of it all.

And you’re focussed on the woman here? In an example where the man has clearly failed to treat his wife like he’d like to be treated?

LOL!

I can laugh now 😅

Living in the same house as your spouse 😉. Due to a complicated set of circumstances I've spent the last 5 years living a 4 hour drive plus a ferry journey from my DH. We see each other every couple of months and chat every day. We've never got on better in our 30 years of marriage. Thoroughly recommend it!

Marrying across classes or religions, or races (if there is colonial history in the background - i.e. no problem white Russian marrying a black American, no colonial beef there), or across social status. The difference is always in the back of people's heads, it will resurface, bound to and then it will be too late to explain to the children that daddy/mummy, granny/granddad did not mean what they said. I was present at the wedding of my best university friend, from a 'low middle class' family, who married another university friend of ours, rich. The shit started at the wedding - when we entered the church, we needn't have been told which side was 'bride' or 'groom', it was so obvious, nobody said anything, everyone was polite, but it just stared us in the face. It was as stark as scumbags v poshos of Comic Relief University Challenge, only not funny at all. Of course the environment broke them eventually, which was so said because nobody thought it would, to start with.

I think it all boils down to respect. Everything else flows from that.

if you fundamentally respect your partner you’ll want to communicate, feel like you’re on the same team and give each other the benefit of the doubt.

Yes, the main one seems to be trapping oneself. So so many women (and it usually is women) make themselves financially dependent on a partner, and put too much trust in a man. They erode / destroy their earning potential by abandoning their career, going very part-time or getting a lowly term-time job for years, and are then shafted when, post-divorce, their household income shrinks from the 6 figures they facilitated their husband in achieving to the £25k they’ve limited themselves to through short-sightedness and poor life planning. He gets to keep his high salary to himself while she works out how the fuck she got into this mess with a Masters degree and a promising start to her career 20 years ago.

This
I'm not married but do live with dp
This was the first rule I laid down when we where talking about living together

I was once in the shower (the loo was at the end of the bath-it was a shower over the bath layout) and my ex came in,pulled his pants down,did a massive shit/farted loads,wiped,looked at the paper,re-wiped and flushed before walking out while leaving a smell so strong i could have bitten into it (didnt even wash his hands)

We where over 15 minutes later-i cannot be with anyone who can do that in front of me

Some things are private

The criticism and contempt tends to start from the women's side after years of doing all the adulting. It's not even him not 'helping out' but he needs to be told exactly what to do and when, and will happily sit scratching his arse if you don't. Always using your brain instead of their own, and taking responsibility for nothing. The criticism and contempt then makes him withdraw and stonewall. And it's pretty much game over by then. Much to both sides relief.

I agree with you. Once children are involved, I think leaving for that reason is selfish and self-indulgent.

Quick pee no problem, the other one studiously looks away. Definitely draw the line at pooing infront of DH.

I swear a blue streak but I always have (DH rarely swears). It’s not really a problem for us. I have toned it down anyway and don’t swear infront of DC. We are strict on manners in our house, Dh and I always say thank you, I generally cook because I’m home first and Dh always thanks me for the meal, DD is now following suit. When I say thank you I really mean it. I do give a lot of thanks but they are all genuine, same for DH.

I think sex is important, we went through a really bad post baby dry spell and it made me quite miserable. There are obviously a lot of things that are important in a marriage but the only person I can/ want to have sex with is DH so I do place great value on that. I think more women than would admit also keenly feel the loss of libido in a marriage.

I think being genuinely interested in the others thoughts and opinions. DH and I share interests and we often send each other articles etc during the day. Or if I’m reading a book I’ll tell him about an interesting bit and he really pays attention and considers it. I don’t think you can have genuine intimacy with someone you just aren’t interested in or who’s thoughts you don’t value.

Kindness and empathy are important, genuinely caring, recognising contributions and effort by both parties.

Keeping confidence, thats a big one.

You just had to go there didn't you

Hmm I have to say I personally disagree on this. I’m half Indian/half white. A lot of my British Indian cousins have married white Brits. Never seen that be an issue at all.

Women giving up work