What marriage mistakes do you see people around you making?

[Brost]

So this is inspired by having spent time with my cousin and her husband this weekend. She’s an overall good person but she can be a little tone deaf re how she treats her husband. For some reason she thinks it’s funny to talk down to him and patronise him. Ie she dropped some packaging on the floor and said “don’t worry Tom will pick that up”. If it was a one off it could be funny. But it’s non stop and almost awkward. Her husband is actually a decent guy. He tolerates it but I just don’t think it’s healthy. People shift uncomfortably when she speaks down to him.

Im not being superior or smug. I’m sure we all have our things which we do that is less than ideal.

It got me thinking what I might have become desensitised to in my marriage. Hoping something someone shares hits home and gives me food for thought. I think sometimes I may not be as engaged as I should. Ie I will have a conversation whilst looking at my mobile.

I think it’s just an easy win for my cousin. I’m all for having a laugh and a bit of banter but she just missed the mark. And I’m not the only one who thinks so.

Do you see similar?

I hope no one sees this as a female bashing thread. It just so happens to be a woman who got me thinking.

i guess im just looking for easy wins. I think we all slip into bad habits in our marriages

Agreed. I’d never have contemplated marrying a man who didn’t have female friends. Or who misused semi-colons.

Hmm I'd argue the otherside of this. All my partners before DH were very superficial. They had expectations about my body hair, haircare, make up, clothes etc. They made a bit of effort themselves, but it didn't feel like it was anywhere near on a par the time/expense a women spends. DH on the other hand regularly tells me he could care less what clothes I wear or how I style my hair or anything else because it's the person I am he adores, not just the shell of me. He saw me in a right state during labour and spoke about me with such pride and reverence because of what we'd been through and what we created. Then when I was getting used to being a mum I was trying to make sure I was always showered, shaved, hair done, house tidy etc he would say things to make me feel like if he came home and I was still in PJ's but I'd instead spent time enjoying the baby or just relaxing and recovering then I should do whatever feels good not just what looks good. It took me years to stop apologising for being unshaven, but he genuinely doesn't seem to notice /care either way so I finally started trusting his word. Do we appreciate when we get a bit glamed up, absolutely, do I still love him in his old pants? You betcha. I don't think either of us are the type to be completely slovenly so perhaps that helps.

I agree though that I'd draw the line at skid marks😂

Lack of good communication both before and during the marriage or co- habitation.

It’s all very subjective. I know a couple who are joined at the hip and do everything together including work. To me that’s not healthy.

I think we’re saying sort of the same thing in a way though. My DH saw me shit on the bed in labour and didn’t care, happy for me to wear PJs round the house etc. However I’ve looked after my health and lost the baby weight as far as possible, definitely get glammed up when it’s called for and make sure I at least don’t smell and have clean clothes.

Some people take it to the extreme and just completely stop bothering. I would find it a real turn off for instance if my husband was constantly slobbing about farting in a holey tracksuit with his hand down his pants.

I sometimes speculate on others' marriages. We don't really know what's going on. Sometimes you can tell something is off and it's only when they get divorced you think "ah!"

I had a friend who was always out at festivals and concerts without her dh. Another friend asked if they'd split up and I laughed and said the couple were solid. Turns out they were living separately.

Another friend was always at play dates without her partner even when the other dads were all there. She was always on her own and he was either working or exercising or out with his mates. When they split up it wasn't surprising.

I've had another friend joke about not letting her husband anywhere near her but she recently got pissed and said they'd not had sex for years. I don't think they'd split though.

Couples who just don’t spend time together.

Especially when they have no children/grown up children.

If both people are on the same page that they are staying 'together' for the kids, they've had an open conversation about it and both are happy, fine (although the children of these marriages rarely agree..). But to pretend, when you know in your heart its over, just to avoid a breakup (when the vast majority of children of seperation are damaged by one or both parents behaviour, during or post split, NOT the fact mummy and daddy arent in an intimate relationship any more) for years on end, is morally wrong in my book. Its an awful thing to do to the other person, and an awful example to set for your kids.

Genuinely liking each other and wanting to spend time together. I'm often surprised at how many couples don't seem to actually be friends. And remembering that you were a couple before you had children and you will be together after they children have moved out, so don't neglect that core relationship during the difficult child-rearing years.

Hoping they will change
Hoping they will never change

I think many relationships move into this territory once the honeymoon period is over

Hand down the pants, what an image 🤣 yeah I think having some resemblance of personal hygiene and standards speaks of self respect, which is absolutely an attractive trait. I just like that on the days it doesn't happen I know I'm not going to get called up on it and made to feel bad, because those relationships were toxic AF.

If they are still together then its not a problem its working for them.

My mum and dad were happily married for 65 years and she told me some things her mum told her never go to bed angry, never let your children sleep in your bed, always remember your children are important but so is your husband and you have to look after that relationship so when the children leave the house one day you still gave a good connection, if you don't have a matched sex drive in that you hardly or never have sex with your husband when he does you can't be surprised if he leaves you because it will most likely happen, have fun together and do things and talk about things not related to kids and everyday life, marriage is compromise so sometimes you have to be the bigger person. My mum would never jave stayed in a marriage of abuse or cheating but she said most of the divorces she saw was the result of putting kids before husband instead of balancing the relationships and lack of sex. She said like it or not she believed woman or most of them felt love from their kids and how her husband contributed and treated and men felt live from being needed and sex. I have applied some of the to my happy first marriage which ended as he died and my very happy current one. It might not be popular to others but worked for her and me.

Not genuinely caring for one another and working as a team. I know far too many couples who work against each other, and it becomes tit for tat, and just toxic!

Not genuinely caring for one another and working as a team. I know far too many couples who work against each other, and it becomes tit for tat, and just toxic!

Lack of kindness
Different financial expectations (on income, savings, spendings)
Not talking about Potential Big Things before they’re reality. You see it on here all the time: having a baby without working out the finances or expectations around housework. But also: input of/around birth families, what to do when a parent is ill, religion,

Expecting your partner to mind read and then when they inevitably fail at this, getting the hump because you shouldn’t have to ask. Just be clear and ask for for what you want and verbalise what is important to you if it is something that isn’t happening.

Not starting as you mean to go on. So many men get away with not pulling their weight in the early days of living together because when there are no children and you have a small house or flat and both work full time there isn’t that much to do and lots of us women have been socialised into enjoying “nesting” and it has novelty. It’s not always that noticeable but 6 years and 2 children later the divide has fossilised and it’s a big problem.

Yes to the constant sniping; by either or both parties. My DH sometimes uses a tone with me that I know he’d never use with his friends in the same scenario and I usually pull him up sharply on it. Why do we reserve our best selves for strangers and friends and loose our worst on our nearest and dearest? It’s not nice.

Obviously don’t think someone will change when they settle down/ have children/ grow up/ spend less time with their cunt mates. If you don’t think the sun shines out of their arse in the honeymoon period then god help you in the tough stretches …

I would also add it’s pushed some people into live in relationships far too quickly without having time to really assess whether you want to actually live together or stay simply as boyfriend and girlfriend for a good while longer

Just having each other's back and being able to make each other laugh.

My sister has been married to her husband for over 40 years. For those 40 years she has constantly yelled at him, called him names such as stupid, idiot, loser. I am not exaggerating when I say it has happened every time I have been in their presence for 40+ years. He just stays silent and takes it. She screamed at him and made such a scene when we were on holiday last year that her daughter had to shush her and tell her she was embarrassing us all. Poor bloke. No one can figure out why he has stayed and put up with the abuse, except that he is a devoted catholic.

Becoming the default parent on maternity leave/career break with little ones and then wondering why they are absolutely knackered in the trenches and continue to be knackered when they go back to work. Insist on your DH pulling their weight and YES this bloody does mean doing some night shifts with the baby if you have the screaming model or a toddler as well. With rare exemptions, most men do not have jobs that are so important they can’t do them on 6 hours sleep when you can apparently keep a human (or 2/3/4) alive on 2-3 hours sleep. Demand they ‘lean in’ now and you’ll have a co parent who raises the children with you whilst you can also have a career.

never go to bed angry, never let your children sleep in your bed

Different strokes for different folks, I often find a “we’ll talk about it in the morning” much better as I’ve calmed down after a good nights sleep and am way more reasonable. Ditto letting our baby sleep in our bed, I’m way better after a good nights sleep however that happens rather than being up and down the corridor multiple times a night trying to settle our little one.

I completely agree. The chemistry is vitally important. I'm divorced & the lack of chemistry played a huge part. I've been with DP over 15 years & despite the regular ups & downs all couples have, we still really fancy each other. If it's not there in the beginning, I don't think it'll develop.

That & really liking the person you choose to spend your time with. I still find him funny & engaging & clever & silly. Take your time choosing the right one. I kissed many frogs.

I disagree. There are so many posts about the difficulties with blended families on here and generally the situations are an absolute mess.

If you're with the father of your children, and he's a good person, and the only issue is you're not in live with him any more, then breaking up that secure family is the height of selfishness.

Not letting the little things go/ bickering. Anyone would get sick of being fussed all the time