What marriage mistakes do you see people around you making?

[Brost]

So this is inspired by having spent time with my cousin and her husband this weekend. She’s an overall good person but she can be a little tone deaf re how she treats her husband. For some reason she thinks it’s funny to talk down to him and patronise him. Ie she dropped some packaging on the floor and said “don’t worry Tom will pick that up”. If it was a one off it could be funny. But it’s non stop and almost awkward. Her husband is actually a decent guy. He tolerates it but I just don’t think it’s healthy. People shift uncomfortably when she speaks down to him.

Im not being superior or smug. I’m sure we all have our things which we do that is less than ideal.

It got me thinking what I might have become desensitised to in my marriage. Hoping something someone shares hits home and gives me food for thought. I think sometimes I may not be as engaged as I should. Ie I will have a conversation whilst looking at my mobile.

I think it’s just an easy win for my cousin. I’m all for having a laugh and a bit of banter but she just missed the mark. And I’m not the only one who thinks so.

Do you see similar?

I hope no one sees this as a female bashing thread. It just so happens to be a woman who got me thinking.

i guess im just looking for easy wins. I think we all slip into bad habits in our marriages

I have a couple where the woman earns less than the man and believes they should pay proportionate bills to their income as that’s what me and our other best friend do. However, her new husband is from a different culture and thinks they should be 50/50. He also thinks his money is… HIS money and as they are trying out the proportional split he criticises everything she spends money on as spending ‘his’ money.

So he shakes his head at basically everything she spends money on because he now sees her money as his money too because he’s ‘subsidising’ her.

God knows what he will be like when she’s on Mat leave.

yes doing it in the first place, and if it’s your friends/close colleagues you see/live a lot more than a “snapshot” @Isadora2007 thanks

During the working and intense years with DC: Competitive tiredness.
Excessive tracking of who’s “turn” it is to do each thing and begrudging if you have to be flexible
Considering one partner working late or travelling for work “time off” and expecting to be repaid with free time for doing more home & DC stuff that week

I think being a team and having each other’s backs is so important. If you bitch and moan about your OH you do damage to your relationship. I’ll have a little moan to a close friend very occasionally about something minor/silly he’s done, but I would never tear him down or disrespect him to somebody or do the whole ‘my husband is an awful useless man’ routine. If he did do something that really annoyed me, I’d tell him respectfully and privately because he’s my friend not my subordinate. Luckily we don’t tend to have issues or fallouts and I think it’s because we tackle things together and come at everything as equals. It boils down to the respect, loyalty and friendship that you have built with each other and constant belittling of the other person is death by a thousand cuts.

Also of course, being tactile with other and remembering to flirt and have fun.

I hate it when I’m trying to talk to DH and he’s looking at his phone. I know he’s not listening.

From what I've seen within my own family, it's a mixture of-

(A) Giving in to family pressure to get married, because you happen to be pregnant outside of wedlock, and going along with being practically frogmarched down the aisle (despite the fact that one of your parents wasn't speaking to you at this point because of the "shame" of having a daughter expecting outside of marriage)

(B) Staying in a deeply unhappy marriage, partly due to financial worries, but also because of family pressure and, "What would the neighbours think?!" The shiny veneer on the outside was all that mattered, and what happened at home wasn't talked about.

(C) Allowing the men/men feeling entitled to do as they pleased while the women got the children up and ready for school/childcare, picked them up from after-school club, made dinner for the family, took the children to extracurricular activities, picked them up, sorted out baths and bedtime routines until they were old enough... after also spending a full day in work.

Then there is me. I am afraid that I expect both partners to pull their weight, I have no issues with pregnancy outside of marriage, and I now have the confidence to speak up when things are wrong! Perhaps it is a good job that I never married, just in case 😁

Hats off to those who are happily married, though! There are some incredible couples out there.

If the male partner WAS perfectly capable and trying his best for his child and partner, then there’d be no need for women to step up to the plate like this would there? It’s well known it’s usually the man ring-fencing his “downtime” and a level of feigned incompetence, if not total incompetence through arrogance. Mothers are hardly then likely to trust the man baby with the actual baby!

He might be submissive and like being dominated or something like that

Marrying the wrong person because the relationship dynamics "feel like home" as they are so familiar to you from childhood. Fine if you had a happy and well-balanced childhood, less so if you didn't.

I made this mistake with DH#1. Second marriages are great!

If distain is shown that usually means the marriage won't last. Experts in relationships all say this is a true indicator.

Clearly marrying the wrong person, a lot of initial lust for each other but not enough devotion / long term goals. People think it will work out, they have kids (add extra stress), but it doesn’t work out.
One lies of long term life plans and then backtracks, others assume conversations were not had about it and roll their eyes, when in fact those conversations did take place. Ie having kids / buying a house / moving etc.

Finances - either one or both are terrible with money. Either too much or too little causes issues
put downs - marriages should be built on building one another up, yes occasional light hearted banter, but it’s when it goes too far - for friends to notice it as a theme is not good or healthy.

Lying
Affairs
infertility - can break up once happy marriages
bereavement
immaturity - some are already others develop it
family stress - in laws / other family members

Complete disdain, lack of respect and bullying. I know a wife who behaves like this. How she’s got away with it I’ll never know.

I’m a relationships counsellor and biggest one I see is people assuming what their partner means and not asking for clarification and then getting upset. Lack of basic communication and understanding for each other’s communication style.

I'm biased, (child free), so I'd say having kids. So many marriages fall apart, so many unhappy spouses after a child is born. Here very often - he's never been like this before DS, DD...,our lives were great before...
Also, prioritising kids and pushing the partner away, or him/her coming second. Obviously babies and sick kids come first.
When I was growing up, well being of parents was actually prioritised. (Another country).

My ex did it all the time. No one said anything until after we'd broken up. Even when he "jokingly" called me a cow in front of all his friends and the whole room went silent.

I can see mistakes in one couple's relationship - the guy is very dominant and controlling and the wife seems almost invisible. I find it disturbing.

Getting married

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors

• physical abuse
• financial abuse
• mental abuse
• narcissist
• control freaks
• illness

Just make the most of what you have !

I don’t know, I had quite enthusiastic sex with DH yesterday and I think my leg hair is at least one cm long (and it’s dark too). I do usually make some spet of effort just been busy. I love the fact that I can be completely comfortable with Dh and still loved the same.

Dismissiveness

. I have friends that are really controlling. I had a mate who ruined her husband’s rare night out with his mates because he was to excited to see them. She made him come home because she had come down with a mystery illness. He’d been out an hour. She admitted to our girl group she wasn’t ill, but spent the rest of the day binge watching Netflix as he did everything even did the her designated jobs to make her life easier. Hes such a nice bloke. She goes out every Friday night with her best mate. She also threatened to leave him & they live with her parents & she told him she had found a flat she can move into leaving him with work(she doesn’t work), kids & her parents. She went to new York for her birthday but flat out refused him going to Vegas for his. Doesn’t let him to discipline the kids. If he pulls them up she cuts across him & berates him in front of us all & on the rare occasion he does say something on how he’s treated she gives him the silent treatment for weeks. Honestly she’s a nightmare. She fell out with every mate she’s ever had over silly little things. One friend of ours jokingly called her daughter grubby as she had been playing in the mud & ran over to wipe it on her. I was there she playfully said oh get those grubby little mitts away. We were all stunned as she got her things & stormed off, would not take it as a joke & got short with me when I told her she was being over sensitive.

This, DH was the first out of us to change a nappy and he did it perfectly well. We figured out how to give DD a bath together etc. women usually have to take charge because their perfectly capable husband decides to be utterly incompetent in the face of anything child related.

Everyone has a limit and thats how emotional affairs can start , and then the other person is blind sided,

How do you know that though?

I worked with a lass who was with her ex for years before getting married. Had a little boy and one year later she announced she had left her marriage - because being a dad had made him boring and he had gotten sensible, she wants fun, wining and dining every weekend and surprises. She even said he no longer treated her like a princess. Cringe. I mentioned at the time that marriages need work and compromise, the dynamics change a lot when a child is in the mix. She replied she hadn’t the patience for that and couldn’t be bothered. Just jacked it all in.