What marriage mistakes do you see people around you making?

[Brost]

So this is inspired by having spent time with my cousin and her husband this weekend. She’s an overall good person but she can be a little tone deaf re how she treats her husband. For some reason she thinks it’s funny to talk down to him and patronise him. Ie she dropped some packaging on the floor and said “don’t worry Tom will pick that up”. If it was a one off it could be funny. But it’s non stop and almost awkward. Her husband is actually a decent guy. He tolerates it but I just don’t think it’s healthy. People shift uncomfortably when she speaks down to him.

Im not being superior or smug. I’m sure we all have our things which we do that is less than ideal.

It got me thinking what I might have become desensitised to in my marriage. Hoping something someone shares hits home and gives me food for thought. I think sometimes I may not be as engaged as I should. Ie I will have a conversation whilst looking at my mobile.

I think it’s just an easy win for my cousin. I’m all for having a laugh and a bit of banter but she just missed the mark. And I’m not the only one who thinks so.

Do you see similar?

I hope no one sees this as a female bashing thread. It just so happens to be a woman who got me thinking.

i guess im just looking for easy wins. I think we all slip into bad habits in our marriages

This feels quite an uncomfortable thread

@momtoboys

This is really sad to hear. He gets one-life and has to endure that. Maybe your sister is suffering from depression or something and should see a doctor over her angry outbursts.

They - whoever they are - do say ‘you hurt the ones you love most!’

A lot of people leave marriages though because of boredom and because they think something is better out. Chances are they dont then get swept off their feet by George Clooney and instead find themselves on a series of craps date going home to an empty place and start to think the nice little routine they had in marriage wasnt so bad after all.

Agree, but it seems to be a weird article of faith on MN. You can't move for evolutionary psychology bollocks here. "But men/women are biologically programmed to..." Sod off! Some of us are more than our base biological impulses.

Why?

Stopping being kind - forgetting that you are in the same team- and that sometimes you can loose a battle to win a war

Stopping making an effort and showing up for each other.

Most women who are driven to divorce their husbands and blow their family apart don’t wish they were still with their ex-husband. There’s a reason he’s in the bin.

The idea that women leave good marriages and divorce on a whim is a big fat misogynistic myth.

My old boss got caught shagging a younger colleague at a conference when they decided having oral sex in a lift at the hotel was a good thing to do… drunk obvs, and his wife also worked at our company so I think the news got to her literally within the hour.
Does that count???? She dumped him.

Because it’s judgemental

Yet here you are, bumping it.

Lack of honesty, respect and kindness towards each other.

He definitely doesn’t fit into the new circle, neither do we and I’ve known her for over 20 years.

the post below my original one also nails it as far as him being given fairly major building and Reno tasks to do by himself (friends were called in when the project was big) leading up to this point.

they lived together for a number of years before marrying, so there were no surprises for either of them. He does have pre marital assets which she is including in her asset list for property settlement. I would like to think this isn’t why they married though…

but in summary spending too much time apart isn’t great for relationship building..

Not sure. They lived together for several years before marrying.

I do think the new friends wouldn’t have anything in common with him (and nor us, I’ve known her for over 20 years now). And I suspect spending her weekends with them instead of him has created a divide.

he has pre marital assets though which she is including in the settlement negotiations. I hope that wasn’t her reason for saying I do..

I was expressing my opinion. Nobody knows what goes on in a marriage.

Yup.

In some company I feel like I'm the only one singing the praises of my DP. We really like each other & I do mention to folk how great he is at times, but I've had some comments over the years like 'Mr Perfect' or 'You're so sickening you two' . Perhaps it's projecting over how unhappy they are, but I find it sad.

My best friends would never say such stuff, as they also like him, but other friends can be rather bitter.

Would you ever say to her that the way she speaks to her hubby isn't nice.. or say to him are you going to let her treat you that way.
If that was a man saying it to a women it would be viewed differently.

Of course. If being 'emotionally close' to someone is some kind of infidelity, she wouldn't have female friends either!

Life is judgemental...

Women:

Bouncing men into having kids, when a lot of men don't want them

Deciding they are the boss of how kids are parented and giving orders to DH like he's the nanny. Then complaining he's not much of a parent, can't do anything alone etc. Letting DC behave badly then trying to stop him disciplining them

Taking the mick as a sahm - not getting all the chores done during the day then expecting DH to do them after work; not getting back to work when kids are in school

Having DC then making it clear that DH comes second, in all situations, for evermore. Being outraged that men don't turn into women (or mothers) when DC are born. Denying that men need sex and deciding if it's not important to them it shouldn't be important to him, then being surprised the relationship deteriorates

Men:

Ignoring, deflecting etc when women say they're unhappy about something. For years. Then being surprised when she leaves

Not doing their fair share of chores, or doing a crap job

Leaving all the mental load stuff to women, making her run his life like he was another child. Massively desexualising

General thoughtlessness - over gifts, special occasions etc

Shagging other women

Both sexes:

Letting themselves go

Meanness / financial irresponsibility

Letting awful parents / PIL get in the way of the relationship and never standing up to them

Having separate finances from their spouse and thinking in terms of who pays for what like they were flatmates

I think both can be true, but neither is a useful dogma.

It doesn't work to treat a real human being as if they are no more than the characteristics of their sex. And it doesn't work in this day and age to use the characteristics of your sex to treat a partner poorly.

Women are allowed to go on girls weekends too!

Yes , well you are one of the lucky ones .
Suffice to say that doesn’t work out as well for everyone I’m afraid .

You’re missing the point. Just because you were aware of something before does not mean you are never allowed to realise “actually this thing I ignored is an issue and I do hate it.”

Look how may women marry men who are useless around the house and despite knowing that end up divorcing and once she realises she really cannot live with that

Bouncing men into having kids, when a lot of men don't want them kids, when a lot of men don't want them

God Forbid men who don’t want kids do anything to ensure they dob’t have them….

Nobody - male or female “needs” sex. No man or woman has died from a lack of sex. They may desire it strongly. But thats not a need. And in plenty of relationships the male is the low libido partner.