What marriage mistakes do you see people around you making?

[Brost]

So this is inspired by having spent time with my cousin and her husband this weekend. She’s an overall good person but she can be a little tone deaf re how she treats her husband. For some reason she thinks it’s funny to talk down to him and patronise him. Ie she dropped some packaging on the floor and said “don’t worry Tom will pick that up”. If it was a one off it could be funny. But it’s non stop and almost awkward. Her husband is actually a decent guy. He tolerates it but I just don’t think it’s healthy. People shift uncomfortably when she speaks down to him.

Im not being superior or smug. I’m sure we all have our things which we do that is less than ideal.

It got me thinking what I might have become desensitised to in my marriage. Hoping something someone shares hits home and gives me food for thought. I think sometimes I may not be as engaged as I should. Ie I will have a conversation whilst looking at my mobile.

I think it’s just an easy win for my cousin. I’m all for having a laugh and a bit of banter but she just missed the mark. And I’m not the only one who thinks so.

Do you see similar?

I hope no one sees this as a female bashing thread. It just so happens to be a woman who got me thinking.

i guess im just looking for easy wins. I think we all slip into bad habits in our marriages

I know - what a depressing sentiment

I do that. The house is happier when hes not in it.

Unable to resolve conflict in a mutually mature or compatible manner.

Getting married because of “love” or “romance”.

Marriage is a financial contract to support the financially more vulnerable spouse and to support children.

As long as you understand it as a business relationship you stand a chance of making it work. Thinking of it as a way to cement a relationship is a fast road to disaster.

But you don’t know the dynamics behind closed doors. Many abusive men are on their best behaviour in front of people and allows the usually bullied partner some temporary leverage. My ex did this and when I begged some friends of ours for help during lockdown, they couldn’t believe what I was saying because of the “downtrodden partner” show he’d put on. So I wouldn’t be quick to judge

Rushing into marriage in the first place, or having babies together before you've spent any decent length of time together to find out if you're at least compatible.

My mother married a violent, narcissistic, misogynistic ogre because she took his aggression and rage to be dominant, manly strength. It was nothing but broken weakness.

The entire world revolving around the children. Adults have needs and wants to and the relationships is just as important as the kids.

This is actually lovely (sad about the one, but lovely about the fact that the others were proud to say they loved their families). I hope my kids are like this when they grow up.
To answer OP, isolating yourself once married seems a mistake. Good relationships with friends and family are important. I would have been worried about marrying a man if I didn't think I could get on well with his close friends and family, or if he tried to isolate me from them.

This is such a nice reframe!

I'd say something I've learned is that you keep the moaning about eachother to family and friends to a minimum. May be obvious to some, but I genuinely learned it very slowly. I've grown up around women getting together and having a good moan about spouses about the tiniest of misdemeanors, so it's just what I automatically did. But then I realised, I actually like my husband and don't really want others thinking he's useless because he isn't. Is he perfect? No. Am i? Also no. We annoy eachother sometimes but I wouldn't want to be spending my life with anyone else, so why when I get together with family did I start listing all the negatives? So I stopped, got on board with the team I chose to be a lifelong part of, and the things actually started annoying me less. I focus on the good bits, and instead seem to notice them more. It's been a great lesson for me.

Apparently not paying any attention at all to their partner's personality before marrying and having kids with them. "He/she's really messy/workaholic/unsociable/loud/selfish, he/she's always been like that, it's been 20 years" - it baffles me how common this is. The entire point of dating is to assess the other person's character for compatibility with your own! I don't know what to say to people who never thought to do that.

Couples who don’t socialise or do anything fun together - I find it so strange and wonder why you’d be with someone whose company you don’t enjoy socially. (Not including childcare issues, I know couples like this pre and post kids). It’s like they don’t think an husband or wife can also be a friend? If all your fun times and new experiences are with friends I think you’re missing out on seeing your partner in a different non-domestic light.

Letting yourself go. Another one that’s unpopular but true. Lots of women seem aghast that their husband isn’t permanently sweetness and light when they’ve stopped bothering to to shave or brush their hair, live in an holey tracksuit and are constantly snapping at them. Ditto men who leave skids on the toilet, wear old y fronts and don’t bother making a meal/drink for their poor wife.

It’s much easier to weather the hard times when you still fancy your spouse.

Totally agree. All the rock solid couples I know have regular sex. Obviously, there is far more to a marriage than just sex but without it, you're just room mates.

God yes the illness thing. I'm never more thankful for DP than when I read a thread about ill partners on here and it's pure contemptuous bile all the way down. I was long-term single in my 20s and pretty happy with it but the biggest revelation about being in a relationship was being taken care of when I was ill, that was the moment I knew DP was the one tbh. And of course I treat him in the same way when he's ill, albeit with lower-quality food! And I still don't see what's so funny about wearing a dressing gown when you're ill, which we both do. The dressing gown of doom jokes are just... what is even the point of being in a relationship if you hate each other that much.

This. Especially when it's a year into a relationship! My husband has never and will never see me hairy OR in a tracksuit. Eveen after 5DC, we make effort for ourselves and each other.

I don't understand people who let themselves go, lower their own self esteem and then wonder why their partner isn't interested anymore.

How did the environment break them?

Yep, and there's a strong correlation with all the people who are only friends with their own sex and don't actually know how to relate to the opposite sex as human beings.

Is there? Would love to see the source. I have no opposite sex friends who aren’t family and I’m absolutely fine with this. I have no desire to be emotionally close to a man that isn’t my husband. I’d say that’s quite healthy.

Good list. Wonder if this is achievable if a different track has already been started off down?

I’d say the high cost of housing and living has fucked a lot of relationships because more and more people can’t afford to leave, set up separately and maybe be able to be amicable co parents.

Anecdata from MN.

You can have whatever friends you like but your attitude reflects the fact that you don't relate to men in the same way as you relate to women, ie you think of them as their sex before you think of them as people.

Lots of people wouldn't agree with this, but I think it's important to acknowledge your own flaws and faults, rather than just focusing on your OHs shortcomings. DH and I try to focus on what the other does, rather than doesn't do. We had a tough time when the DCs were little, but we've worked through it and realised we each bring a lot to the table, but in different ways. He's not like me and I'm not like him, and that's good and ok!

Absolutely, can't agree more. Same here. Only women as friends, but I do know how to interact with the opposite sex, just don't want to keep them as friends.

Women who write jobs lists for their DHs. The woman ends up losing respect for her husband as she thinks he can’t think for himself (she then complains about the mental load), and no man wants to be married to their manager forever.