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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to host Christmas again after what my family said?

392 replies

WillieFIrwin · 01/12/2025 03:54

I’m 43, I’ve hosted Christmas for the last 7 years because I’m the only one with a dining room big enough for everyone. Every year it costs me a fortune, I do all the cooking, buy all the extra food, stock the house with drinks, and everyone else turns up empty handed. My sister usually arrives with just a packet of bread rolls. My brother brings nothing at all.
Last year I suggested we rotate hosting, or at least that everyone chips in for food. The reaction was unbelievable. I was told that because I “earn the most” and have “the nice house”, it’s my job to host, and that “tradition is tradition”. My mum even said it would be “selfish” to break the family routine.
This week we were discussing plans, and when I brought up the cost again, my sister said, “Well if it’s too much for you, maybe don’t make such a big deal of it.” For context, she never helps in the kitchen and sits on her phone all day.
I’ve decided I don’t want to host this year, and suggested we book a pub Christmas lunch instead. They refused and said Christmas at the pub “isn’t the same”, and apparently I’m “ruining it for the kids” by not wanting to host.
AIBU to finally put my foot down and say if no one else wants to host, then they’re welcome to do their own thing? I’m confused about why this is suddenly my moral responsibility every year when I didn’t even volunteer in the first place. Am I missing something here or is this totally unreasonable on their part?

OP posts:
Amberlynnswashcloth · 01/12/2025 08:08

You've told them that you don't want to host Christmas - its not your fault that they choose to ignored that. Just remind them that you're not doing a meal this year but they're welcome to visit.

Screamingabdabz · 01/12/2025 08:08

YANBU to stop hosting, or at least give them each a list of stuff to cook and bring (plus booze).

YABU to do ‘all the cooking’. Your partner should be doing their share to help.

AngelicKaty · 01/12/2025 08:09

AbzMoz · 01/12/2025 07:45

It’s a bit mad this has become the norm every single year… Perhaps have Xmas just for your immediate household - either at home or away?
Realistically, they aren’t going to change and if you did do pub with them they’d be sniping at you as it’s more expensive, not the same, etc etc and will still want to go to a house for presents etc after.

Totally agree - which is why I would stop this "tradition" dead in its tracks now. Then OP's family of CFs will have a full year to think about their greedy, lazy, selfish, entitled behaviour and decide if they want to behave like decent human beings next year.

Diarygirlqueen · 01/12/2025 08:10

OP, I was in the same position as you, biggest house and everyone's expected to come here. My family never contributed, although the one time I asked my mum to cook the ham, she deliberately burnt it so I wouldn't ask again!
This year our finances are different, I just couldn't do it. It was taking my love of Xmas away, the stress, everything left to me etc. I told them last week and although shocked, they were fine. I can't tell you the relief I feel. I didnt realise how much stress it was causing me. Tell them you are not hosting and stick to your guns. Only you can do it.

Missj25 · 01/12/2025 08:14

99bottlesofkombucha · 01/12/2025 04:06

Wow. I would not be hosting. Do you even want to go to what they do or will this poisonous lazy bunch be sitting there making digs at you?
hi family, I’ve mentioned to a few of you that I won’t be hosting Christmas, it’s hard work and expensive. I’ve been told I’m selfish and ruining it for the kids and making too big a deal of Christmas. If Christmas isn’t a big deal, great! We can have it anywhere! Speaking of selfish, if anyone in the last 7 years had so much as brought a salad or a dessert or washed a couple of dishes or in the case of some looked up from their phone occasionally, then I might feel better about hosting. But it was all on me and I feel shit about it, and won’t be doing it again. Throw in some ideas of where we can go instead everyone.

This says it perfectly 👌.
Op you’re so kind , they don’t deserve to have you to call family.
That said , I hope they buck up , apologise , make it up to you & see what asses they are 🤞.

Happy Christmas OP 🎁
x

Flowerlovinglady · 01/12/2025 08:14

You've been far too reasonable and your family is taking you for granted so that now that you are understandably suggesting stepping back, THEY are the ones who are offended. It might be hard but I would absolutely say, "this year we have decided to do our own thing and won't be hosting the wider family". You could then suggest meeting up at the pub on some other day over the period but make it clear that you will not be footing the bill. It will cause a huge fuss but if you don't step back, you will be seething with resentment forever and they will continue with their rather self centred ways. (And as for your sister being on her phone ... don't get me started!)

StephensLass1977 · 01/12/2025 08:15

My sister has a huge house in London, and by far earns the most, and I would NEVER expect her to host because of it! Never asked her, never expected it. She would tell us where to go! We all just host in our own homes, and people pop in and out of each other's houses if they can.

The only unreasonable thing here is you actually asking if it's OK to say no. What do you think? Read back what you wrote about how you are being spoken to and treated, and then think again if it's "okay" to say no to these people.

mochimoons · 01/12/2025 08:17

My sister hosts for a similar reason but we all chip in (someone brings dessert, someone brings snacks/starters, someone sorts the booze, and my sister usually gets the meat and veg) and we all help with prep/cooking. We would never expect her to do everything by herself! It's very unfair of your family to react in that way!

AngelicKaty · 01/12/2025 08:18

CautiousLurker2 · 01/12/2025 07:50

We host too for same reason, space to dine and rooms to put every one up - but DFil brings the wine (spends months accumulating the recommended top 3 red n whites as recommended by the telegraph, then champagne from his local tanners), MiL and SiL also bring the crackers, luxury biscuits/chocs and stunning bouquet and also send DH some money (they stay for 4 nights, so they are chipping in for the christmas eve buffet and boxing day meal too.) We have never had to ask and grandad loves his annual wine tasting and collecting odyssey!

OP your fam are dreadful. YOU are not ruining xmas for their kids - THEIR tight-fisted CFery is.

Edited
Show quote history

And this is what a real family does - share. Share the thought, effort and expense of Christmas, as well as the joy. Your extended family sound great (unlike OP's). Hope you have a good one! 🎄

Gymnopedie · 01/12/2025 08:18

Time to be blunt.

“tradition is tradition”

"You mean the tradition where you all get a slap-up Christmas for free and do sod all towards it while I run myself ragged and pay a fortune?"

Bagwyllydiart · 01/12/2025 08:19

Rule 1 of Mumsnet.

No, is a complete sentence.

GumFossil · 01/12/2025 08:20

They sound awful. Take this year off, and maybe don’t host again.

We always host a big family gathering for my side of the family. The first thing everyone does on being invited is ask what they can bring. One sister sends us 12 bottles of fizz, the others arrive laden with beer, wine and gifts.

Middlemarch123 · 01/12/2025 08:21

ChristmasMantleStatue · 01/12/2025 07:26

My very polite and formal father has a saying for situations like this;

'Tell 'em, fuck 'em'

I would be saying the biggest 'fuck off' to them.

And I would be sending them an itemised account to cover all the previous years.

Loving your dad!

BadgernTheGarden · 01/12/2025 08:25

Book a takeaway, or buy a load of ready prepared junk and serve water to drink, that should be a sufficiently small deal for them.

I used to always do Christmas, but my brother and mother always came laden with gifts, bottles and all sorts of bits, several trips to the car to bring it all in!

Snowonground · 01/12/2025 08:26

It often amazes me with stories on MN how people behave and how they don't seem to realise how entitled they are. This is learned behaviour IMHO and in your DS's case OP, the apple doesn't seem to have fallen very far from the entitlement tree, looking at your DMs behaviour.

CautiousLurker2 · 01/12/2025 08:29

AngelicKaty · 01/12/2025 08:18

And this is what a real family does - share. Share the thought, effort and expense of Christmas, as well as the joy. Your extended family sound great (unlike OP's). Hope you have a good one! 🎄

Show quote history

Cannot express how very lucky I am to have the in laws I have - bio family were a waste of time but the fates made up for a crappy childhood with the most amazing DH and In-Laws who understand that as a result I have always wanted Christmas to be magical for my kids, especially as with SEN challenges life/school etc can sometimes be really tough for them despite a doting family.

Family should come together to support and share at this time, @WillieFIrwin not freeload and emotionally blackmail the person with the biggest dining room.

BMW6 · 01/12/2025 08:30

Wasn't there a very similar thread last year where the woman's family wouldn't accept NO so she booked a holiday abroad, and her sister actually went into her home to steal Christmas presents?

Curlyhairdontmind · 01/12/2025 08:30

I can’t believe people are so rude and entitled. My mum always hosts but I bring a significant amount of food and contribute financially. Anything else is beyond cheeky!

Alpacajigsaw · 01/12/2025 08:31

YANBU they are a bunch of cadging bastards

Book a pub lunch for your household and let the rest of them sort themselves out

MincePudding · 01/12/2025 08:32

Snowonground · 01/12/2025 08:26

It often amazes me with stories on MN how people behave and how they don't seem to realise how entitled they are. This is learned behaviour IMHO and in your DS's case OP, the apple doesn't seem to have fallen very far from the entitlement tree, looking at your DMs behaviour.

I'm equally amazed that there are such people pleasers out there. Genuinely.

I'm far from assertive but I'd not even need to question telling them to fuck right off in this instance. I'd only have trouble settling on one of the many options on how to do it!

That's not a dig st you PP, it's reassurance that they so extremely rude that it's eye opening. I can see why after years of such outrageous behaviour you've been conditioned to question yourself.

You're right though, they are twats. My response would simply be that, ruining it or not, that's the lie of the land. Contribute and show some gratitude or find another place for xmas.

Calliopespa · 01/12/2025 08:32

WillieFIrwin · 01/12/2025 03:54

I’m 43, I’ve hosted Christmas for the last 7 years because I’m the only one with a dining room big enough for everyone. Every year it costs me a fortune, I do all the cooking, buy all the extra food, stock the house with drinks, and everyone else turns up empty handed. My sister usually arrives with just a packet of bread rolls. My brother brings nothing at all.
Last year I suggested we rotate hosting, or at least that everyone chips in for food. The reaction was unbelievable. I was told that because I “earn the most” and have “the nice house”, it’s my job to host, and that “tradition is tradition”. My mum even said it would be “selfish” to break the family routine.
This week we were discussing plans, and when I brought up the cost again, my sister said, “Well if it’s too much for you, maybe don’t make such a big deal of it.” For context, she never helps in the kitchen and sits on her phone all day.
I’ve decided I don’t want to host this year, and suggested we book a pub Christmas lunch instead. They refused and said Christmas at the pub “isn’t the same”, and apparently I’m “ruining it for the kids” by not wanting to host.
AIBU to finally put my foot down and say if no one else wants to host, then they’re welcome to do their own thing? I’m confused about why this is suddenly my moral responsibility every year when I didn’t even volunteer in the first place. Am I missing something here or is this totally unreasonable on their part?

Well if it’s too much for you, maybe don’t make such a big deal of it.”

I'm afraid this actually had me chuckling. The cheek of her!

I think the ideal outcome would be everyone shares the cost and helps with the work (you cook, they wash up? Or everyone brings something ready-made?) and you can all use your dining room if it really is the only room that can hold you all. If you don't fit elsewhere, I guess you don't fit.

But if they won't listen to that, maybe forewarn them that this year you have taken your sister's advice and won't make a big deal of it. Just scale right back.

Or just refuse, but that will be harder to come back from if you mind falling out.

Izzywizzy85 · 01/12/2025 08:34

YANBU. I’m you, but the difference is my family are grateful and appreciative. If I said I felt it was too much and people didn’t chip in enough, they’d be mortified and immediately offer to help. Tell them to fuck off-just do christmas for your immediate family. Your sisters comment of doing to. Much is typical of someone who does fuck all and has no idea how much effort and expense goes into hosting even a very basic christmas.

Snowonground · 01/12/2025 08:36

BMW6 · 01/12/2025 08:30

Wasn't there a very similar thread last year where the woman's family wouldn't accept NO so she booked a holiday abroad, and her sister actually went into her home to steal Christmas presents?

Oh that sounds a good one.. please can you find the link? 🙏. Was it the one where the OP sounded lovely and used to make a huge effort for Christmas each year and her family gave her nothing. So she ended up going to Disney World with her daughter?

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 01/12/2025 08:37

YANBU, it is so expensive to host and even if they are skint they could manage to bring a bottle of wine or a pudding and do the washing up.

I wonder if you are the oldest sibling and have been parentified from a young age?

What were Christmases like 8+ years ago? Has your mum had enough of hosting?

MincePudding · 01/12/2025 08:38

MincePudding · 01/12/2025 08:32

I'm equally amazed that there are such people pleasers out there. Genuinely.

I'm far from assertive but I'd not even need to question telling them to fuck right off in this instance. I'd only have trouble settling on one of the many options on how to do it!

That's not a dig st you PP, it's reassurance that they so extremely rude that it's eye opening. I can see why after years of such outrageous behaviour you've been conditioned to question yourself.

You're right though, they are twats. My response would simply be that, ruining it or not, that's the lie of the land. Contribute and show some gratitude or find another place for xmas.

Show quote history

Typo...not a dig at OP or PP. Not a dig at anyone other than OPs family!