AIBU to refuse to host Christmas again after what my family said?

[WillieFIrwin]

I’m 43, I’ve hosted Christmas for the last 7 years because I’m the only one with a dining room big enough for everyone. Every year it costs me a fortune, I do all the cooking, buy all the extra food, stock the house with drinks, and everyone else turns up empty handed. My sister usually arrives with just a packet of bread rolls. My brother brings nothing at all.
Last year I suggested we rotate hosting, or at least that everyone chips in for food. The reaction was unbelievable. I was told that because I “earn the most” and have “the nice house”, it’s my job to host, and that “tradition is tradition”. My mum even said it would be “selfish” to break the family routine.
This week we were discussing plans, and when I brought up the cost again, my sister said, “Well if it’s too much for you, maybe don’t make such a big deal of it.” For context, she never helps in the kitchen and sits on her phone all day.
I’ve decided I don’t want to host this year, and suggested we book a pub Christmas lunch instead. They refused and said Christmas at the pub “isn’t the same”, and apparently I’m “ruining it for the kids” by not wanting to host.
AIBU to finally put my foot down and say if no one else wants to host, then they’re welcome to do their own thing? I’m confused about why this is suddenly my moral responsibility every year when I didn’t even volunteer in the first place. Am I missing something here or is this totally unreasonable on their part?

Just FUCKING NO 👎 😡 🙅‍♀️

I’ve hosted Christmas for the last 7 years because I’m the only one with a dining room big enough for everyone. Every year it costs me a fortune, I do all the cooking, buy all the extra food, stock the house with drinks, and everyone else turns up empty handed.

THEY ARE TAKING THE PISS AND IT NEEDS TO STOP.
PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN NOW.
They are LEECHING off you.
Just stop 🛑✋️

I was told that because I “earn the most” and have “the nice house”, it’s my job to host, and that “tradition is tradition”. My mum even said it would be “selfish” to break the family routine.

TRADITION MY ARSEHOLE!!!
What did they do 7 years ago before you started this new tradition at the age of 36?
🤔 ❓️ 🧐
What happened in the 36 years prior to you having the nice big dining table?
This tradition is all convenient and cost free for THEM MOOCHING FUCKERS. 🤢

SAY NO!
DO NOT OFFER TO THROW IN MONEY FOR ANYTHING!

Do you have your own partner or family OP?
My cousin had this type of thing and she got royally taken advantage of, especially when her dad died and her mum turned up with a new bloke, and expected her to cooked for him. No.
She now either has a small dinner with just herself and her DH, or they go abroad for a few days. 💕

Tbh I would have costed it up and sent an email some months ago stating - we are unable to fund everyone's xmas this year. I am willing to host IF A) you send me £x towards the food, treats and alcohol by XX date, when I will be placing the order with [name of supermarket]. If I do not receive it, I will assume you are making other plans. B) On the day, there will be be a list of jobs that each of you will need to sign up for - laying the table, prepping the veg, washing up etc. if this is intended to be a family xmas, every member of the family needs to step up and help. Otherwise I’ll be arranging a small family christmas for me/dp/my dc only.

Hi @WillieFIrwin
You are being taken advantage of/used and manipulated with their "making a big deal" comment.

"No big deal" then if everyone knows that you will only be serving what they bring (if you do host one more time) as it is a lot of work and expense. Set an arrival and leaving time may also be a suggestion?

If you decide not to, book yourself a table for a Christmas meal out and tell them all now. It can be hard to get somewhere to take a group booking this close to Christmas (but that is not YOUR problem).

They will no doubt pushback as they have had it too good but I hope you start to enjoy and develop a new Christmas tradition that works for everyone x

We host christmas every year as, like you it makes sense at ours. Everyone brings something. Sides, some bottles and some starters, stuffing. One person always brings a bottle of rum. We still spend a lot of money but there are almost too many hands in the kitchen and the sides are all sorted. Its fun, its inclusive and the right thing to do.
This is not in your case. You've asked. And they've refused and are making you to be the bad person. You ca. Give one last ultimatum and give them a last chance... up to you. They help and all bring something, or youre not doing it.
Or just say cant do this year, maybe next.

But its on them not you! Make that clear.

I used to host my mother, divorced brother and his daughter, it was getting a bit much, l asked mother to bring starter, the trays of nibbles from the supermarket and asked brother to bring dessert. Mother brought nothing, she didn’t know what l was talking about and brother bought a 99p Bakewell tart, they never came again and then bummed Christmas lunch from my sister.

"since I seem to have been elected as family tradition setter, I'm changing the tradition this year. I'll be having my own Christmas morning and lunch, but you're all welcome from five o clock for the evening, and we'll have a pot luck buffet. I'll provide the cold meats, and the rest of you can sort out who's bringing salads, breads and dessert etc."

That's spectacularly rude of them, and you're quite right to stop hosting.

We have Christmas dinner at ours every year. I don't say host as the costs are split equally between everyone and everyone pitches in. It just happens to be in our house.

Objecting to chipping in for the cost is just outright greed and shit manners on their part.

It’s a bit mad this has become the norm every single year… Perhaps have Xmas just for your immediate household - either at home or away?
Realistically, they aren’t going to change and if you did do pub with them they’d be sniping at you as it’s more expensive, not the same, etc etc and will still want to go to a house for presents etc after.

This 👏

”I’m not hosting this year—it doesn’t work for me.” Then silence. No excuses, no apologies, no explaining. When they come back at you—“That doesn’t work for me, I’m afraid.” On repeat. Stop the cycle NOW,

"That doesn't work for me" is my pals favourite phrase for her lot, when she has already said no. It's bloody brilliant 👏 💯 👌

I’m imagining that their sense of entitlement around you doesn’t stop at Christmas, OP, and they take the piss in other areas too.

Tell them you’re having a small Christmas this year, just your immediate family, and that next year you are looking forward to one of them taking their turn to host.

The tradition is that I spend a fortune feeding you, I spend the day working to look after you, that tradition suits you perfectly and doesn’t suit me at all so tough. I have you a chance last year to make it less crap for me and you didn’t

We host too for same reason, space to dine and rooms to put every one up - but DFil brings the wine (spends months accumulating the recommended top 3 red n whites as recommended by the telegraph, then champagne from his local tanners), MiL and SiL also bring the crackers, luxury biscuits/chocs and stunning bouquet and also send DH some money (they stay for 4 nights, so they are chipping in for the christmas eve buffet and boxing day meal too.) We have never had to ask and grandad loves his annual wine tasting and collecting odyssey!

OP your fam are dreadful. YOU are not ruining xmas for their kids - THEIR tight-fisted CFery is.

We are 100% with you @WillieFIrwin - you absolutely must not cave in. Bunch of ungrateful people!

Of course you’re not being unreasonable op. They sound hard bloody work and selfish too. They either need to start helping and contributing or make their own arrangements.

I think I’d personally only do dinner for your immediate family and tell the others they can come round for a little buffet tea in the evening if they really want to, and to bring a bottle!

Wow they are rude!!!

My brother and SIL love hosting and will refuse offers of food contributions. However - we will still bring something and I always take wine and flowers for them hosting on top of their Xmas gifts.

OTOH if they said “bring specific X” or “£10 a head would be nice” is absolutely feel it’s right and pay up!!!

You would not be unreasonable to refuse to host. I mean there is no gratitude or help whatsoever, they seem to think it is something they are entitled to. My situation is not that dissimilar to you in that my sister has the biggest house so we all go there for Christmas. But we split up the work between us ie everyone plans and cooks part of it and we all clear up etc. In fact we’ve just been texting re allocation of jobs now. Since we’ve done this it’s so much easier and less stressful. I appreciate it might not work for everyone but we all have a lot on and I really look forward to. Christmas now. Your family sound really unpleasant and seem to misunderstand what Christmas is all about. Spend that money on you, you deserve it x

Absolutely put your foot down. If you do want to host, ask for money towards it from each of them. They’re a bunch of free loaders.

This is outrageous! We usually have a Boxing Day at my DA and one year I gave my Tesco vouchers (when I used to shop there) but I always take something and some flowers even though she doesn't want me too.

You spend a fortune and have all the stress and now they are annoyed you won't. Instead of being grateful.

Just tell them you are not doing it.

They are so rude. Don't bend. You need to be invited elsewhere for the next seven years to make this acceptable.

'We're definitely not hosting this year, no matter how much you all complain, so we need to make alternative plans'.
Repeat this, or similar words, every single time they ask/demand.

Perfect

100% NBU. You're handling this brilliantly. Stay firm. If no one else wants to host the extended family, have a lovely stress-free Christmas at home and let the others do as they will.

I would take a year out from hosting in your situation.

@WillieFIrwin YANBU OP and PLEASE stand your ground on this. Your family of CFs has taken advantage of you for far too long and now you're stopping the Christmas gravy train they're indignant. Tough. I would be so furious with their selfish, entitled attitude I wouldn't even want to spend Christmas with them this year - I'd tell them "We're doing our own thing this year - suggest you do the same."

You probably should gave set some boundaries with this early doors.

Some families think that having the 'privilege ' of being in your own home means you stand to the cost.

You have stated your problems and they have given pathetic excuses. I would have laughed in their faces if they accused me of being selfish and ruining Christmas.

Tell them an outright no, and you are starting a new tradition of not be a walkover. I bet this isn't just a Christmas thing anyway.

They honestly sound like awful, entitled people, OP.