AIBU to refuse to host Christmas again after what my family said?

[WillieFIrwin]

I’m 43, I’ve hosted Christmas for the last 7 years because I’m the only one with a dining room big enough for everyone. Every year it costs me a fortune, I do all the cooking, buy all the extra food, stock the house with drinks, and everyone else turns up empty handed. My sister usually arrives with just a packet of bread rolls. My brother brings nothing at all.
Last year I suggested we rotate hosting, or at least that everyone chips in for food. The reaction was unbelievable. I was told that because I “earn the most” and have “the nice house”, it’s my job to host, and that “tradition is tradition”. My mum even said it would be “selfish” to break the family routine.
This week we were discussing plans, and when I brought up the cost again, my sister said, “Well if it’s too much for you, maybe don’t make such a big deal of it.” For context, she never helps in the kitchen and sits on her phone all day.
I’ve decided I don’t want to host this year, and suggested we book a pub Christmas lunch instead. They refused and said Christmas at the pub “isn’t the same”, and apparently I’m “ruining it for the kids” by not wanting to host.
AIBU to finally put my foot down and say if no one else wants to host, then they’re welcome to do their own thing? I’m confused about why this is suddenly my moral responsibility every year when I didn’t even volunteer in the first place. Am I missing something here or is this totally unreasonable on their part?

Just tell them you're not doing Christmas this year, and let them crack on!!

They might try to get you to pay the entire pub meal

Stick to your guns OP as they have taken advantage long enough

Just as a counter message to the majority on here...

I'm yet to meet a family that splits things like this "equally" - and most of my friends/family who believe they are in a "fair" family, are actually the lazy ones who just think they are doing their share.

In reality, I would assert that for the vast majority of families, staying as a big group will always lead to an unfair distribution of the work. Someone will end up getting the rough end of it, and at best they can hope to be appreciated (but often not).

If you ask on here, you will get 95% of responses saying "Ditch them!, don't do it! Have it on your own!" but that is because people are responding logically, and not emotionally. Yes, logically you shouldn't be taken advantage of.

However, in real life, that doesn't always work. emotion, bonds, relationships get in the way, and it isn't quite so easy as "ditching them!". And even if you did, will that make you happy? It isn't so straightforward, and I don't blame the (large proportion) of people who taken on that burden in order to keep their family together and harmonious, even if it isn't fair.

For example, a mum taking on an unfair burden of hosting so that her family all get together, which means the grandmother can see all her kids and grandkids at Christmas. She isn't appreciated, but if she stops, they would all drift apart, the family would gradually split, and the grandma would loose the ability to see all of her Children/grandchildren together. Is it fair to put that burden on the mum? No. But it is. So the mum has to decide to do what is fair for herself, or what she can to make her family as happy/together as she can.

I'm not saying you should choose either choice, I just want to add a bit of balance to the pages of people saying "fuck them!!".

I'd say they're all welcome to come over AFTER lunch. And if they expect drinks and nibbles they'll need to bring them, because you won't be providing them.

E.g. 'Hi all, understand everyone is unhappy about the changes, so I've thought about it and am happy to compromise. I'm having a long lie-in and just a take-away for lunch on my own. You're all welcome to come over and chill/do pressies etc if you'd like. You'll need to bring any drinks or snacks you want though, because I'm not shopping / buying any this year. I can't afford it and don't have time. It'll be lovely to see you all though, if you want to pop over.'

You don’t need to book a restaurant/holiday to get out of hosting. Just tell everyone you have, then ‘cancel’ last minute. Venue double booked or holiday cottage boiler broken.

If it’s about getting the kids together, why not meet up at a nice park and everyone brings a flask of coffee or hot chocolate and a pack of mince pies or gingerbread .

Although, it shouldn’t be on you to do the work of finding an acceptable alternative and selling it to everyone.

A Greene King pub near me still has Christmas Day slots available.

When I finally resigned from hosting the exhausting and expensive family Xmas dinner, I made the mistake of thinking at last we’d be invited and just for once someone would put a lovely, hot turkey dinner in front of me. What a fool I was. The entire family whom I’d hosted for many years made other arrangements. We were not invited to any of them. In the end we booked into a restaurant with friends and had a rip roaring time. But it stung. Maybe it’s the thing that people who have been overly generous and accommodating seem to get worse treatment when they decide to call time on it, than the selfish lot who have taken advantage of them. Stay strong, OP.

They sound horrible! Why should you have both the expense and hassle of hosting every year whilst they contribute nothing?

This is an excellent suggestion - it negates any complaints that you are spoiling Xmas by not hosting but without having to do dinner for everyone. If they turn up empty handed, give them a glass of water!

I've hosted every other year for many years...this year I can't afford it and have said happy to host but unless we all share the cost, I can't!
Luckily they have agreed to chip in...but i did ruffle some feathers!

Why is the onus always on the mum???

I’m reading that you would have been happy to do it conceptually but resent that no one pitches in - can’t blame you! I have never as an adult gone to someone’s for Christmas without a dessert (that I have already told them I am bringing - I hate it when people just turn up with stuff like that and expect you to be grateful when you didn’t know so you had to make one anyway and it doesn’t go with anything else…), a bottle of wine and some beer.

When I was a child and my parents hosted I remember well my grandad would order a case of wine that was delivered some time in December and promptly handing over £100 cash to contribute to the cost - hosting Christmas Day can easily cost £500 and why should one person have to pay for it all the time?

YANBU at all Op

She probably meant the meal doesn't need to be so elaborate. Although it sounds like this lot would moan if it wasn't.

My very polite and formal father has a saying for situations like this;

'Tell 'em, fuck 'em'

I would be saying the biggest 'fuck off' to them.

And I would be sending them an itemised account to cover all the previous years.

OP I am so excited for you! I was you about four years ago, except it was not even my family taking the piss, it was DHs. We'd spend all week beforehand prepping, just the shopping alone is a PITA, then on the day we would never see our kids as we were frantic in the kitchen and DHs family would just sit around not helping and not contributing. I got to the stage where I was dreading Christmas, I really was. They were just so ungrateful.

We told them four years ago that we were not hosting and asked who would do it. No one put their hand up. We took all kinds of grief and that first year just had xmas with the four of us. We then decided to go skiing every year to a half board hotel in Austria. WE LOVE IT SO MUCH and I get so excited in the lead up - such a change from the grind of previous years.

This awaits you.

My auntie does all the cooking, hosts every year (has the nicest and biggest house), earns a lot. My mum and uncle are on a much lower wage, and yet we all pay my auntie towards Christmas dinner. We offer to help on the day but she never usually accepts. How bloody rude would it be to expect my auntie to do all the shopping / cooking and paying?? Your family are CFs.

How very bloody rude and selfish of them. What a shame you'll potentially be so ill over Christmas that you simply can't face seeing people....?

I host every year, and bear the cost because I want to, my family is small and good company, and I’m in the best position to do it. If they were as ungrateful and entitled as your family sounds, I would definitely not do it. If, in spite of their behaviour, you want to see them, just invite them for drinks and nibbles in the evening.

Ungrateful bastards. I make my parents a food hamper with things they can enjoy after Christmas.

Please dont host. When we have Christmas dinner (and we are a big family) everyone is responsible for something, e.g. we'll cook the turkey someone else all the veggies etc. Leaving it all for one person to do is just nonsense.

Your family are bloody awful and God knows why you would want to spend any day with them, let alone Xmas day?! The sheer entitlement of some still continues to astound me. I wouldn’t host them again ever for anything!!

Fucking disgraceful behaviour from family.

I would go abroad. As even if you don’t host and someone else does, they’ll be making digs. They are so cheeky. Both financially and in terms of them expecting you to put loads of work and effort in.

I wouldn't do the meal out as you'll be left with the bill.
As for spoiling it for the kids ,why can't their parents put on Christmas day for their own brood