AIBU to refuse to host Christmas again after what my family said?

[WillieFIrwin]

I’m 43, I’ve hosted Christmas for the last 7 years because I’m the only one with a dining room big enough for everyone. Every year it costs me a fortune, I do all the cooking, buy all the extra food, stock the house with drinks, and everyone else turns up empty handed. My sister usually arrives with just a packet of bread rolls. My brother brings nothing at all.
Last year I suggested we rotate hosting, or at least that everyone chips in for food. The reaction was unbelievable. I was told that because I “earn the most” and have “the nice house”, it’s my job to host, and that “tradition is tradition”. My mum even said it would be “selfish” to break the family routine.
This week we were discussing plans, and when I brought up the cost again, my sister said, “Well if it’s too much for you, maybe don’t make such a big deal of it.” For context, she never helps in the kitchen and sits on her phone all day.
I’ve decided I don’t want to host this year, and suggested we book a pub Christmas lunch instead. They refused and said Christmas at the pub “isn’t the same”, and apparently I’m “ruining it for the kids” by not wanting to host.
AIBU to finally put my foot down and say if no one else wants to host, then they’re welcome to do their own thing? I’m confused about why this is suddenly my moral responsibility every year when I didn’t even volunteer in the first place. Am I missing something here or is this totally unreasonable on their part?

Send a message saying you are booking your family for … restaurant and if they want to join it’s £… per head they will need to ring up and get added to the booking themselves and suggest they act quickly before it’s full.
If asked say you would like to actually be able to enjoy Christmas rather than spend it shopping cooking and cleaning for everyone else.
it’s not your responsibility your saying no and they are trying to force and guilt you it’s manipulative behaviour.

Exactly. If OP told them late on Christmas Eve that she wouldn't be hosting, she would be very unreasonable. Telling them now is perfectly reasonable as they have plenty of time to make other arrangements, including buying and cooking their own Christmas dinner.

They have over 3 weeks to sort something else, it is not far too late at all.

Your sisters comment is so rude. Let them come round, whack a frozen pizza in the oven and them go out for a nice pub lunch yourself....when they question it say that you're following her advice not to make such a big deal of it.

@WillieFIrwin

Tell them to f@ck off! They sound spoiled, rude & ungrateful. Family or not, I'd stand firm & do what YOU want to do. What's the worst that will happen? Life is too short to put up with shit like that.

Sorry but the mournful “it’s too late for this year” comments annoy me. It’s flipping not! They can go to Tesco and get their own food it’s December 2nd not Christmas Eve’

This. With bells on.

My family would do that. “You’ve got a big car, so you can take this big piece of furniture” our parent in one county to my sibling in another. Or when I remarried and moved, “You’ve got a big house, so you can keep my dressing up clothes until when my baby can play in them” from adult step daughter living in a house that my new husband, her father, was paying for her and her partner while I and my children were still living out of suitcases because there was no cupboard space because it was filled with dressing up clothes! 😂
I have to say that I took the furniture but then my brother couldn’t fit it in! And I threw the dressing up clothes out. Decades later I’m still friends with brother and step daughter.

@99bottlesofkombucha yes, you’re right it’s not too late, however, changing things now will just cause OP avoidable problems; guilt come Christmas Day and possibly a family rift. Fine if seeing and speaking to family isn’t of interest anymore but if they do want a relationship with them I’d suggest keeping the peace this year and making a going-away plan for next year. No one can really begrudge your family a holiday! Then it’s sorted - no more hosting and no family rift. OP has won!

Quite.

They can complain as much as they like about how much it costs and how stressful it is and maybe they might get the hint.

The whole point of saying no is about this.

It is not OP to host or OP to organise eating out. Any of them could organise a last minute alternative - Christmas labour is not the preserve of the OP.

Stop trying to use FOG on the OP. This is emotionally abusive.

Fear, obligation and guilt.

This is not the OPs problem to solve.

Too late? It’s barely the start of advent ! The shops are open for about another 23 days.

wait to add - the rift already exists / the OP has been hurt

Your family have been extremely rude. I think you are being slightly unreasonable solely for putting up with it for 7 years. They've got their feet firmly under the table.

With just a few weeks notice, if you like your family I'd be inclined to go with it this year but come January give them 11 months notice with no backing down.

There is no reason not to cancel this year other than the fallout. If its not going to upset your Christmas, go for it

@RedToothBrush

If OP can stomach Christmas Day after standing their ground, saying no, sort yourselves out, then I’d say go for it. Absolutely, bloody go for it! But, if they’re anything like me and couldn’t handle the guilt that I would place on myself - and I know I shouldn’t - then I’d opt for my earlier suggestion.

As I said very early on in this thread, the only way people like this get the message is if you don't cave in. Otherwise they just do the same thing next year because they can.

It's an unhealthy relationship which is ultimately financially and emotionally abusive.

You chose either to put up with it and know that it will continue and you will be hurt and taken for granted over and over again. Or you chose to finally stand up for yourself and have a confrontation about it where they can show themselves up to be nasty but ultimately you are free of them taking advantage of your fear of confrontation, your guilt about standing up for yourself and the fact you feel an obligation to please everyone.

You do not. You matter too.

If you are happy to be their doormat forever more you suck it up.

You are worth more than that, and you can have happier Christmases doing other things potentially with other people.

This whole business but it's family they'll always be there for you, only works if your family actually is there when you need them and you have a healthy two way relationship which allows you to say "actually this isn't ok with me".

Just doing it because it's just what you do, isn't a good reason.

These are people who’ve contributed nothing, either beforehand or on the day for years, and haven’t even had an oh dear we should help a bit moment when the op finally protested but instead have aggressively told her it’s her fault if she finds it hard by ‘making a big deal of it’ and she can’t stop because it’s ’tradition’. I can’t see any way of keeping the peace except by staying a doormat, if she hosts a smaller byo version at her house they will be there furiously resenting her for putting them to the trouble, so pulling the bandaid off with a no fucking way is anyone coming here this Christmas is actually the least disruptive to family peace and the biggest benefit to the op.

Sadly, this is exactly it. They’ve got used to you treating them to a lavish day and waiting on them hand and foot. That’s not ok of course, but they have got away with it for years it sounds.

A good friend of mine always cautions “You are in control of how you let people treat you.” Ie if you enable people to take the piss they will.

It’s a sad fact of life that many including family will think nothing of taking advantage - and it’s harder now your lot have done it for so long. Harder for you to deny them and a shock to the system to them!

I think a balanced email/letter/Christmas card/whatever highlighting how much it takes to ‘host everyone’ (effort, time and money) is a good approach. Say you’re happy to keep doing it if people can start contributing to the load (also, effort, time and money!).

Although I’m the youngest sister, I was the first to live in a large house (from working hard I might add!!) and I quickly became default ‘host’ because I had space. But I was working 50-60 hour weeks and raising young children, so after the first ‘freebie’ I started early the next year (September) and asked for contributions. One sibling and her husband bitched and moaned about me behind my back, then contributed a starter (a baked Brie for six which she ate all by herself and got stomach ache 🤣🤣🤣).

Whatever. Rather that than letting people take the piss!!

I think you need to start a new tradition of 'Beans on Toast for Christmas Day Lunch'. Mince pies for dessert.

It's really not too late at all - the shops are crammed with Christmas dinner items...

Tell them that’s it. Decided. It’s lunch out as a group, or you’ll do your own thing at home for your immediate family only and they can do what they want

OP, I’d love to know what you’ve decided to do?

Book the pub lunch!

Tell them, as they weren't interested in that, you've only booked for your family to go to lunch*. They are welcome to pop round later in the afternoon. But no food/drinks will be served as you'll have gone out for that. So you're not planning on buying in much for Christmas day.

Then it's on them what they do. They can be as disappointed as they like. They have 3 weeks to come up with another plan. Id make sure to tell them after Christmas that going forward, this is how your family will be doing Christmas. They can like it or lump it!

*If they suddenly decide they can/want to do a pub lunch, tell them to book direct. Your willing to have lunch together, but you're not offering to pay for everyone.

Stay strong!

"Never mind then, have a lovely Christmas all and I'll see you in the New Year"

Have a lovely, quiet christmas OP 🫢

Does anyone remember a fantastic thread from last year where the OPs family had been taking advantage of her generosity for years and she had enough, returned the presents she had bought for them or gave them away to Charity, and I think went away and changed her locks? It was a brilliant thread, I would love to re-read it if anyone can link it?