AIBU to refuse to host Christmas again after what my family said?

[WillieFIrwin]

I’m 43, I’ve hosted Christmas for the last 7 years because I’m the only one with a dining room big enough for everyone. Every year it costs me a fortune, I do all the cooking, buy all the extra food, stock the house with drinks, and everyone else turns up empty handed. My sister usually arrives with just a packet of bread rolls. My brother brings nothing at all.
Last year I suggested we rotate hosting, or at least that everyone chips in for food. The reaction was unbelievable. I was told that because I “earn the most” and have “the nice house”, it’s my job to host, and that “tradition is tradition”. My mum even said it would be “selfish” to break the family routine.
This week we were discussing plans, and when I brought up the cost again, my sister said, “Well if it’s too much for you, maybe don’t make such a big deal of it.” For context, she never helps in the kitchen and sits on her phone all day.
I’ve decided I don’t want to host this year, and suggested we book a pub Christmas lunch instead. They refused and said Christmas at the pub “isn’t the same”, and apparently I’m “ruining it for the kids” by not wanting to host.
AIBU to finally put my foot down and say if no one else wants to host, then they’re welcome to do their own thing? I’m confused about why this is suddenly my moral responsibility every year when I didn’t even volunteer in the first place. Am I missing something here or is this totally unreasonable on their part?

I was just thinking about that thread. The OP took her daughter on a Disney cruise if I remember correctly.

What a bunch of arseholes. Sorry.
I NEVER hosted ANYTHING and didn't miss out on much, either!
Obviously, stand your ground. I mean, why do you even consider it? Such audacity. If you let others take and use, they will take and use as much as they can, regardless of who they are. Obviously, not all people, but most.
Boundaries.

My father in law always stays with us 3 or 4 days - does nothing , brings nothing - but he is 86!! And always transfers me £150 for my Xmas present 3 days before Xmas and £100 the week before for my birthday - so he more than contributes. Thing is I wouldn’t want him bringing anything ( or anyone else for that matter) as my H in particular is fussy on quality and my fils idea of ok wouldn’t be my Hs - I’m a bit more live and let live .

i think the fact they don’t even feel somewhat embarrased for me OP would just put a stop to it and for anyone who thinks by the way that a couple of bottles of cheap wine or a tub of biscuits entitles you to full 3 course dinners for you and your kids plus full evening buffet and limitless booze including spirits , it doesn’t - there are people who won’t accept bringing food along ( probably for reasons like my H) , or won’t take money if offered - at least give them £60 on a gift card or something quietly and offer to clear up etc and send flowers afterwards etc

I would be blunt and tell them all that you aren’t hosting this year and they’ll have to make their own plans.

YANBU, and don’t compromise.

Yes that's the one. I don't know how to find and link.......

Tell your family that you've heard that the Far Side of Fuck is very nice at this time of year, and you've booked them a stay there over Christmas.

You essentially told them you wouldn't be hosting this year at this time last year...
so just keep saying that you are done with hosting. You're not going to get an invite anywhere else from the sounds of things, so have a quiet celebration and start your own new tradition of not letting your family walk all over you.
It's going to be bumpy and they're not going to take it lightly, so be strong and hold your boundary.

I'm also amazed, but pleased, how the tide of opinions on here has turned on Christmas issues like this.

I posted two years ago as BIL's new girlfriend (thankfully now ex) was kicking off that we do a "everyone chips in" Christmas.

We have 20-26 attend a year and it was decided 10+ years ago that it's actually easier if we just order/buy everything and then we all split the cost. She thought this was outrageous and the "hosts should host".

The replies on here roundly agreed with her and most of the replies said that if family expected them to financially contribute to Christmas dinner they wouldn't go.

Glad to see the OP has better replies!

I think they are jealous and resentful of you, and coming and bringing nothing and not helping is part of that mindset.
Tell them today you won’t be hosting this year. No further words or explanations.
Only invite the few people you actually want. And stick to it. Hi ave the Christmas you want.
there will be fall outs, spongers don’t like it when their gravy train comes to an end.

Put your foot down. Nail it to the floor if necessary. They will all kick and scream and call you every name under the sun but do not budge. I have been in your position my whole life until this year. It is a terrible stress for you. And is expensive. I am sure you love your family as I do mine but they are a bunch of CF freeloaders - as are mine Even if you can afford it keep that money to do something nice for yourself in the new year. You deserve it.

Nope. Stand your ground OP. Not only can they not be arsed to host themselves but they also clearly do not want the expense of having to pay for their own dinner elsewhere.

I simply hate hosting around Christmas and New Year. Costs a fortune, nobody contributes anything and my house is left like a bomb site. DPs family bring their own alcohol, drinks ours too and literally hold onto theirs to avoid sharing with others. I think the final straw for me was the year my BIL and SIL brought their then toddler aged child and allowed them to wipe/spill food and drink all over my then brand new sofa. No attempt by either for them to clean up as ‘it’s just baby mess’ - so I spent a great deal of time having to clean up after said child. Didn’t supervise child the rest of the evening even when I pointed out that toddler was rifling through my under sink cleaning cupboard. And I got left to babysit, and generally keep child away from various cleaning products the remainder of the evening. What a great Auntie I was they exclaimed!! Their other child also flooded our downstairs toilet by filling sink up and letting it spill over.

Even doing a buffet costs a fortune and I’ve found that DPs family tend to help themselves to a large take home box too. Including any leftovers we already have in the fridge. One year - and I know this sounds tight - but we had a load of posh pasties we had bought fresh. Some remained uncooked (we had bobbed them in the freezer) since we had less people arrive than expected and we had one family member swipe the lot when they were leaving. £4 a go - at least 10 of them. For reference we are a family of 6 so we had no issue with going through the rest of them.

They all suggested coming to ours this year - DP turned to me and said he really doesn’t want to either. So thankfully, we are off the hook. We’ve arranged to go out ourselves with just our kids and no intention of going anywhere else afterwards.

YANBU.

Your family are very rude and entitled. I would be telling them to do one.

1% said Yabu... Hello op's dsis...

Also, I can’t believe that your mother allows this to happen. She shouldn’t want her daughter to play this doormat role. She should want more for you. By any chance are you the family scapegoat? If so, you have my sympathies. I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

You are going to need support to get through this so keep reporting back here, especially if you start to waver and we will give you a kick up the arse a gentle reminder to stick to your guns.

Awful ungrateful family. Fuck them. Tell them you're going away this year. They don't deserve you.

I’m sure there was another thread where the OP cooked lunch but her family were “too ill” to attend but could she please take the food to their house as they were sure they could manage something - she wasn’t invited to stay however!

The sad thing is I think the OP intended to follow through with that plan 😳

Nope. They can’t force you. They clearly abusing your hospitality, and the audacity to say “you earn the most”. I dare my SIL’s in law to even try making comment like this to me and my husband. Bloody cheek !!!!! I’m literally angry for you !

Book yourself a holiday and go away this year. Leave them to it selfish fuckers

Do you have a partner and children of your own OP? Just wondering what Christmas will look like if you stick to your guns.
Could you offer a boxing day get to gether, with everyone providing pre agreed food/drinks?
Or Christmas day evening get together, for presents, and everyone bring snacks?
YADNBU to be firm and not do lunch.

Well if you are looking for permission to say 'I am not hosting Christmas', have my permission @WillieFIrwin
Text or group chat or whatever, 'For the last and final time, I am not hosting Christmas'
They will all know the reason why, since they have all slid out of paying, planning, prepping and clearing up for SEVEN YEARS. Who made you the Christmas drudge for a load of selfish misers?

I agree with others too, don't suggest meeting up in a pub over the holidays, you will be seen as 'host' again and be left with a massive CF bill.

Perfect!

This week we were discussing plans, and when I brought up the cost again, my sister said, “Well if it’s too much for you, maybe don’t make such a big deal of it.”

I would do just this and try to book a last minute holiday somewhere sunny.
Then tell the fam you decided to take sis's advice (thanks sis!)

I think you are right and things like this creep up on you and before you know it, it has become the thing that you are doing and paying for everything. I would either cut entirely and just say sorry you are taking a break, or I would say that for this year you need everyone to help, cook a course each and bring it with them if the distance allows this.

Yes! This! I wouldn’t dream of eating elsewhere and not offering a contribution of some sort. If people are that rude and abrupt with you and make it that obvious it’s expected they will take advantage every year, I say be just as blunt in return! Don’t let their emotional blackmail get to you. That is not fair