AIBU to refuse to host Christmas again after what my family said?

[WillieFIrwin]

I’m 43, I’ve hosted Christmas for the last 7 years because I’m the only one with a dining room big enough for everyone. Every year it costs me a fortune, I do all the cooking, buy all the extra food, stock the house with drinks, and everyone else turns up empty handed. My sister usually arrives with just a packet of bread rolls. My brother brings nothing at all.
Last year I suggested we rotate hosting, or at least that everyone chips in for food. The reaction was unbelievable. I was told that because I “earn the most” and have “the nice house”, it’s my job to host, and that “tradition is tradition”. My mum even said it would be “selfish” to break the family routine.
This week we were discussing plans, and when I brought up the cost again, my sister said, “Well if it’s too much for you, maybe don’t make such a big deal of it.” For context, she never helps in the kitchen and sits on her phone all day.
I’ve decided I don’t want to host this year, and suggested we book a pub Christmas lunch instead. They refused and said Christmas at the pub “isn’t the same”, and apparently I’m “ruining it for the kids” by not wanting to host.
AIBU to finally put my foot down and say if no one else wants to host, then they’re welcome to do their own thing? I’m confused about why this is suddenly my moral responsibility every year when I didn’t even volunteer in the first place. Am I missing something here or is this totally unreasonable on their part?

This!!!

Sorry - voted the wrong way by accident when I picked up the phone - you are DEFINITELY not being unreasonable! Sod ‘em!!

How are you doing OP? ☺️

Did you tell them all to piss off and that your house will be locked up like fort knox on Christmas day? 🙏

Yes, strangely similar problems!

This OP posted at about 3am this morning and hasn't been back-will they be returning?!

If this is all so, then I am surprised you want to spend any time with them. So no. Do your own thing.
Communicate it clearly. And do so more than once. Lest the penny has not dropped.

I can't believe you've kept hosting with a family like that. That's awful.

In our family we rotate who hosts generally but the last few years it's been at ours which has been fine. Someone does the turkey and meats, someone does potatoes and someone else does puddings. Everyone sorts some veg.

And EVERYONE brings bottles of wine/beer etc.

They sound awful. Almost parody-level of horrendousness!

You’ve hit the nail on the nail on the head. That’s exactly what happened to me many years ago. After hosting for 14 for seven years I reached the stage where had enough and suggested one family bring the starter course, another bring the dessert and my parents bring the cheeseboard and some wine.

Their reactions were nothing short of astounding.

“We can’t afford that extra cost at Christmas.”
”We don’t have room in our fridge for extra food at Christmas.”
”We don’t know what wines everyone likes but will bring some cheddar and Brie if you’re really struggling.”

It was an enormous pity party from each of them.
That was the last year I hosted Christmas Day…and yes, I was the bad one ruining everyone’s future Christmas and I was almost ostracised from the family.
I’ll be honest and say I was emotionally crushed by their behaviour.
Several years later, I no longer give a damn and we have a great Christmas with my own little family.

Stand your ground OP. If it’s all become too much you must say so. There is absolutely no need to accommodate self-serving leaches. x

Wow, unbelievable. I thought the other thread with the sister charging 30 bucks was a bit cold on the sister's part, but conversely if my sibling expressed that hosting was a lot of work and expense I'd ask what we can contribute to make it sustainable for you - be it taking over the cooking, or sharing the grocery bill, or anything else. The way they dismissed you would definitely make me want to say no !

Either cancel, or suggest something along the lines of:

I’m fed up with being expected to host without any one ever helping or making an effort to contribute. So here is the plan for this year. Everyone will bring a course and everyone is also responsible for washing up their own course.

Starter: Mum and Dad
Main: Me and DH
Pudding: DSis and BIL
Drinks: DB and SIL

Feel free to swap amongst yourselves. Make sure you bring enough for everyone and take into account everyone’s dietary requirements.

If that isn’t going to work I’m afraid I will be cancelling because I’ve had enough.

Let them sort their own Christmas for once if you want them to appreciate you.

Seriously, tot up approximately what it cost last time, multiply by 7, send them an advance bill. Have they no idea how much it costs? Money or effort/time, shopping etc? Clearly not. Your mum is shocking telling you the guilt nonsense! Shove them, they can host themselves or bring ALL the food. Don’t be a doormat, OP!

This is perfect!

@WillieFIrwin go with this,

YANBU they are.

yes it's easier at the biggest house, but everyone should be contributing. Not expecting you to DO it all & PAY for it all.

Given their attitudes I wouldn't be hosting again unless THEY come up with a workable plan.i wouldn't go to a restaurant on Christmas Day either. I did it once & hated it!! I'd rather just stay at home with my immediate family & decide what we want to eat!!

I hope YOU enjoy Christmas 🎄 this year!!
🎅🏼

I'm not really sure why you would want to spend Christmas with your family. They don't sound like a very pleasant bunch.
There sound extremely entitled and selfish, they have no empathy for the amount of work and time and money that you put into providing them with a wonderful meal and visit. They contribute nothing. They don't feel bad about it, and the more you do for them the more they expect.
They are trying to guilt you into continuing being their free meal ticket and slave so that you can pay for everything, do all the prep, do all the work, do all the clean up, pay the bills, and they get to sit back play on their phones and have a good day.

You've been doing this not one year, not two years, not rotating years, but you've done it for 7 years. I think that's at least 6 years too many given how they're acting.

You've got 24 days before Christmas, more than enough time to tell them no I'm sorry, can't host it this year...

I don't know what your home/work/partner/children situation is, I haven't been able to read all the posts yet, but if you want to take the easy way out, just come up with an excuse that has something to do with your home/work/partner/children which they may see as being not much more than an excuse but, oh well...

(If you really can't stomach the idea of coming up with a "fake excuse", here's an alternate suggestion to make your escape from the terrible family Christmas a genuine one...
See if there's any place locally that you can volunteer your time on the day that you normally would be hosting the Christmas party. Like for instance, an animal shelter, perhaps you can walk the dogs or brush the cats, they still need to be fed and played with and the litter boxs cleaned, just because it's Christmas, they don't know the difference. They are in need.
Or if you like the idea of volunteering at a local church who might be doing a community meal, or something like that. Find a way to give your time and energy to those who actually really will appreciate it. Not your family because they obviously don't.)

Or if you feel particularly brave/angry enough/empowered then be 100% honest with them and tell them the truth, but it will not be taken well.

Be prepared that no matter what you say, because they're not going to be getting their own way, they are going to be mad. They have zero right to be, but they are selfish and shortsighted and entitled and takers who feel no empathy with you and feel no guilt at what they've done and don't understand how unfair they've been, because they don't care. So, they will find a way to blame you for ruining Christmas. Be prepared for that. If you're following them on social media, be prepared for some really nasty posts about how you ruined everything, be prepared for them to badmouth you to anyone else that they know about how horrible you are and how you've ruined everything, I mean, 100% unfair and untrue? Yes it is but they sound like the kind of people who would do this so you just have to be prepared for it...

I wish you a stress-free (and actually happy for a change) Christmas.

Is your sister on mumsnet...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5453091-to-think-family-charging-for-christmas-dinner-is-poor-form

FWIW I'm with you - I'd think £30 was a bargain for someone lying on a lovely Christmas meal for my family and me

You are being punished and held to randsom for having a lovely house and doing well in your life and they really do not think much of you do they, other than you being the family cash cow?
No..Enough.. NO More.. you so deserve better OP.

I don't think anyone should be lying on their Christmas dinner. It would make a terrible mess 😝

Tell them it's not happening and stick to your guns. Family is absolutely the worst thing about Christmas. It would be a lovely time of year without selfish relatives to contend with.

I don’t even go over to someone’s house for a roast dinner without bringing a nice bottle of wine or the dessert. If I go to somebody’s house for Christmas, I usually bring a crate of fizz and a well stocked cheese board. I can’t believe the cheek of your family. I’d be embarrassed if I was them.

You can change it. Just click on the vote you want to make and it will change.

Indeed ...I agree 100%

OP, I would just tell them you're not doing it and leave them to froth.

Have a nice Christmas day with your own family.

The only way they will get the message is if you say "no, I'm sick of being taken for granted and you lot freeloading".

And stick to it.

I seem to recall there was a thread about this kind of situation last year - from memory the OP was going away so as not to have to host CF family, but the sister was trying to use a spare key to access the house. Or something like that, there may have been returned expensive gifts involved. Does anyone remember the details better than me?

Yep this nails it.

For people who are absolutely determined to bully/guilt/manipulate others to get their own way, blunt to the point of rudeness is the only way. The fall out will be epic to begin with, but once its done its done.

Quite frankly I would lay it all out and say this is how much it costs, regardless of me earning the most it should not be on me to pay every year. In addition to me doing all the shopping, preparation, cooking and tidy up. It is not at all selfish of me to not want all of the mental load and financial burden every year but it is very selfish of you to all put that on me every year and not contribute anything to it. Perhaps if we took it in turns you would see how selfish it is to assume I will do all the work and take the finals for every year. If you want me to host I will but everyone contributes to the food and drink situation,
you all tidy up afterwards.

After many years of having to host (distance and DH’s work schedule mean we can’t travel at Xmas) we have said no this year, we just want a Christmas alone to actually enjoy it. I’m fed up of missing time with my kids and not being able to relax. For us it means parents and in laws staying for a few days so it’s 28th before we can relax properly. It also makes my AuDHD DC dysregulated more frequently with the excitement and change of routine and too many people so I have to pick up the pieces from that whilst MiL shouts at him and makes the situation a million times worse and she’s usually the reason he gets set off in the first place. It’s infuriating and I’ve started being really short with her when she tries to inset herself into ‘parenting’ him instead of just leaving us to deal with it. Like as an adult would you want someone shouting at you when someone else is already talking to you about to? I’m going with no! So don’t do it to a child!

We’re done with it and are looking forward to a calmer Christmas. I fully expect to be balled for them having a crap Christmas but quite frankly they could go away if they wanted or go out for a meal. When they are here, I didn’t have a nice Christmas so sorry, not sorry!