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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to host Christmas again after what my family said?

392 replies

WillieFIrwin · 01/12/2025 03:54

I’m 43, I’ve hosted Christmas for the last 7 years because I’m the only one with a dining room big enough for everyone. Every year it costs me a fortune, I do all the cooking, buy all the extra food, stock the house with drinks, and everyone else turns up empty handed. My sister usually arrives with just a packet of bread rolls. My brother brings nothing at all.
Last year I suggested we rotate hosting, or at least that everyone chips in for food. The reaction was unbelievable. I was told that because I “earn the most” and have “the nice house”, it’s my job to host, and that “tradition is tradition”. My mum even said it would be “selfish” to break the family routine.
This week we were discussing plans, and when I brought up the cost again, my sister said, “Well if it’s too much for you, maybe don’t make such a big deal of it.” For context, she never helps in the kitchen and sits on her phone all day.
I’ve decided I don’t want to host this year, and suggested we book a pub Christmas lunch instead. They refused and said Christmas at the pub “isn’t the same”, and apparently I’m “ruining it for the kids” by not wanting to host.
AIBU to finally put my foot down and say if no one else wants to host, then they’re welcome to do their own thing? I’m confused about why this is suddenly my moral responsibility every year when I didn’t even volunteer in the first place. Am I missing something here or is this totally unreasonable on their part?

OP posts:
Doone22 · 01/12/2025 12:52

Omg they are awful.
My sis often hosts for the same reason but everyone has a list of things to bring and I still skip it or host myself every now and again to allow her a break and have her own day.
I wouldn't even tell them. Just nod and smile and buy your own stuff and on Christmas Eve tell them all the whole lot of you are in bed with norovirus so it's cancelled.

Unhappyitis · 01/12/2025 12:57

Wow the utter disrespect.

They aren't even grateful.

Never ever host again.

CautiousLurker2 · 01/12/2025 13:00

The main reason I follow threads like this one is to try and understand whether my dysfunctional toxic childhood was actually fairly ‘normal’ [mum had a break down by 11am and you could set your clock for the annual marital row] or whether my wonderful In-Laws are the normal ones, you know?

So many threads on MN about CF family, nasty parents or MiL and I appreciate these places are not where people come to post ‘I’m so happy and blessed’ stories, but I do sometimes wonder whether my kids are being set up with unrealistic ideas of family life - one where Mum n Dad are not abusive and just have a one in a blue moon bicker. Think we’ve argued passionately maybe 3 times in front of the kids in 20 years (been together 33). DH winds me up and I rise like a salmon on long journeys, and the kids pee themselves and ask if we’re getting a divorce because dad got me a fillet of fish rather than a zinger burger.

My PiL can’t do enough for us, even though they live 3 hours away (nearly 5 when they are driving as it necessitates a toilet break and a cuppa every hour…). They put us up for 6m with a baby when chain collapsed due to w@nker seller 20 years ago, and held my hand in their local hospital when I miscarried the first time. Nanny helps - aided by a glass of bubbles - to prep all the veg (counting out the bloody sprouts and potatoes for each person eating). They are guaranteed to fall asleep after dinner during Die Hard 3 and we always have to pop a Poirot or Marple on at some point over Christmas. Grandad seems to deliberately muck up Cluedo for every one by misremembering which cards he is holding - but the port he started drinking at 11am may be a factor. They help clear the table, I wash up as Dh cooks, and they cannot thank us enough for the meal. They have never been anything other than considerate, caring and compassionate, the 3C’s.

It was what I dreamed of growing up - and I hope it’s what my kids can expect. I hope it’s what everyone should expect and that if you receive anything less than those 3Cs you should feel totally within your rights to call it out.

Sorry. Just arranging picking up my DD from uni in 2 weeks - despite her ASD/ADHD and comorbid MH conditions, she survived her first term intact and seems happy. I am so fucking looking forward to her coming home and to Christmas this year… and wish everyone could be this excited.

CF’s should just F off…

Pedallleur · 01/12/2025 13:11

You know they are CFs but they are used to you doing it and now it looks like the free dinner/gravy train might be stopping. Say no and see what happens. They aren't going to exile you. But cave in and they know they can guilt trip you

Oxo01 · 01/12/2025 13:11

Just tell them you are not hosting at all and not to turn up over the xmas period and to make their own plans.

If you can and want to book a restaurant. If not just enjoy the day with people that you choose.

Dont answer the door to them if they turn up they will soon learn you are serious and they have taken your kindness for granted.

And regarding the Bread rolls i would have thrown them out for the pigeons in front of them.

Wittyapple · 01/12/2025 13:12

My mum or sister usually host because we're a big family, and they have the most space. Everyone usually brings a dish, so the expense doesn't fall on one person. I'd never not offer to contribute, bring something and help on the day. Your family are being unreasonable here.

Whoknowshere · 01/12/2025 13:26

WillieFIrwin · 01/12/2025 03:54

I’m 43, I’ve hosted Christmas for the last 7 years because I’m the only one with a dining room big enough for everyone. Every year it costs me a fortune, I do all the cooking, buy all the extra food, stock the house with drinks, and everyone else turns up empty handed. My sister usually arrives with just a packet of bread rolls. My brother brings nothing at all.
Last year I suggested we rotate hosting, or at least that everyone chips in for food. The reaction was unbelievable. I was told that because I “earn the most” and have “the nice house”, it’s my job to host, and that “tradition is tradition”. My mum even said it would be “selfish” to break the family routine.
This week we were discussing plans, and when I brought up the cost again, my sister said, “Well if it’s too much for you, maybe don’t make such a big deal of it.” For context, she never helps in the kitchen and sits on her phone all day.
I’ve decided I don’t want to host this year, and suggested we book a pub Christmas lunch instead. They refused and said Christmas at the pub “isn’t the same”, and apparently I’m “ruining it for the kids” by not wanting to host.
AIBU to finally put my foot down and say if no one else wants to host, then they’re welcome to do their own thing? I’m confused about why this is suddenly my moral responsibility every year when I didn’t even volunteer in the first place. Am I missing something here or is this totally unreasonable on their part?

Pls let us know how to goes when you reiterate you are not hosting!
some people are just unbelievable!

Allsigns · 01/12/2025 13:34

I've got deja vous of a very similar thread from last year! Would absolutely stand your ground.

RobinEllacotStrike · 01/12/2025 13:39

Good work asserting clear boundaries this year OP - keep standing your ground & dont give in!

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 01/12/2025 13:42

SerafinasGoose · 01/12/2025 12:48

I suspect this observation is going to go down like a lead balloon, but somebody needs to say it. This thread is a study in competitive martyrdom. It's a full-scale internalisation of the female socialisation that tells us: you come last. Your needs are not important. You're a vessel; a respository for the requirements of others. Even Virginia Woolf saw it nearly a century ago. Her 'angel in the house' 'was intensely sympathetic. She was immensely charming. She was utterly unselfish. She excelled in the difficult arts of family life. She sacrificed herself daily. If there was chicken, she took the leg; if there was a draught she sat in, in short, she was so constituted that she never had a mind or a wish of her own, but preferred to sympathize always with the minds and wishes of others. Above all, I need not say it – she was pure'.

A century later, just reading the contents of this thread is a depressing reminiscence on those observations, made in 1932. Women: you do not have to do this. You really, really don't. Your place on this planet is not to provide domestic servitude, especially to those who take it as theirs by right and provide nothing in return - not even a modicum of gratitude.

Your ungrateful, entitled families won't change. You are the one who has to do that. You won't do it in the first place because it's difficult. You'll receive pushback. You might even receive the usual 'extinction burst' as the pressure ramps up to make you do what you've always done. When you step outside your box as a woman you'll find there will be no shortage of volunteers to shove you right back into it. When they realise all such efforts are futile, then comes peace. Then comes the Christmas you want to enjoy: the Christmas some of you have sacrificed for decades. Worth it? I think so.

Be Kind. To YOU, for a change. The word you are looking for is 'no'.

Edited

This is the best comment I have ever read on MN 💜

Widow90210 · 01/12/2025 13:43

Oh come on, gently... you know you're not out of order. Completely on then.
If the important thing is spending time together then the pub is fine.
You are trying to reason with people who are not reasonable or you wouldn't be here now or at the very mention of money they would have chipped in. They have shown you who they are... believe them.

whymadam · 01/12/2025 13:46

This is a bunch of freeloaders. Their attitude absolutely stinks. Draw your boundaries and stick to them, enough is enough and it's time you enjoyed yourself.

Isometimeswonder · 01/12/2025 13:55

HelplessSoul · 01/12/2025 04:41

Tell them all to fuck right off.

This was my reaction too.

Anonanonay · 01/12/2025 13:58

You're realising you have a completely toxic family dynamic, OP. Part of your psychological growth is to now tell them to go fuck themselves.

Punkerplus · 01/12/2025 13:58

SerafinasGoose · 01/12/2025 12:48

I suspect this observation is going to go down like a lead balloon, but somebody needs to say it. This thread is a study in competitive martyrdom. It's a full-scale internalisation of the female socialisation that tells us: you come last. Your needs are not important. You're a vessel; a respository for the requirements of others. Even Virginia Woolf saw it nearly a century ago. Her 'angel in the house' 'was intensely sympathetic. She was immensely charming. She was utterly unselfish. She excelled in the difficult arts of family life. She sacrificed herself daily. If there was chicken, she took the leg; if there was a draught she sat in, in short, she was so constituted that she never had a mind or a wish of her own, but preferred to sympathize always with the minds and wishes of others. Above all, I need not say it – she was pure'.

A century later, just reading the contents of this thread is a depressing reminiscence on those observations, made in 1932. Women: you do not have to do this. You really, really don't. Your place on this planet is not to provide domestic servitude, especially to those who take it as theirs by right and provide nothing in return - not even a modicum of gratitude.

Your ungrateful, entitled families won't change. You are the one who has to do that. You won't do it in the first place because it's difficult. You'll receive pushback. You might even receive the usual 'extinction burst' as the pressure ramps up to make you do what you've always done. When you step outside your box as a woman you'll find there will be no shortage of volunteers to shove you right back into it. When they realise all such efforts are futile, then comes peace. Then comes the Christmas you want to enjoy: the Christmas some of you have sacrificed for decades. Worth it? I think so.

Be Kind. To YOU, for a change. The word you are looking for is 'no'.

Edited

I think is such a brilliant comment and observation.

It never ceases me, the amount of threads that pop up on here around Christmas time. I'm not taking blame at OP or anyone but there's so much pressure just because it's Christmas and family, that people have to endure such misery, stress and hideous days just because we're conditioned to believe that family comes above all else no matter how toxic or strained the relationships are and that family members should never be alone on Christmas day.

I have two siblings who actively hate Christmas and have literally made every Christmas since I've been an adult spent with them completely miserable. They also make no effort with my children. They've moaned throughout entire meal and made it clear to myself and my parents that they didn't want to be there, contributed nothing towards the meal/preparation and made it clear they were only there out of obligation.

I've stopped spending Christmas with them but my parents would be eaten up with guilt that they should spend Christmas with them. Last year however, I persuaded my parents to spend Christmas with us, my in-laws and children and we all had a great day, much more enjoyable for everyone all round. I've come to the conclusion, family or not, I'll only be spending Christmas with who I want to and who is actually bring joy and happiness to my day.

So even in years when my parents are long gone, I still won't host my siblings at Christmas and I feel absolutely zero guilt for doing so.

Jools67 · 01/12/2025 13:59

Go on holiday

Brefugee · 01/12/2025 14:09

tell them that anyone who will bung you 20 quid a head (10 for kids) by 15th December is welcome. Everyone else can stay away...

GreyBeeplus3 · 01/12/2025 14:16

Just say NO to the lot of them I bet between them, behind your back you've become the standing joke they expected and got for the past 7 years
So what if youve got the biggest house and earn money?? Resentment rearing it's ugly head right there because you actually got up and went out to work and as it paid off; they all feel that it's time to get some of yours.
They're all a useless petty bunch, but I realise there may be perhaps some family whom you'd love to see.......
So what I'd do is book myself a lovely little break away over Christmas time and in the new year specifically have only the ones you like over for a drink and nibbles and make sure they understand that it's ONLY THEM YOURE ASKING
Also with them, ask them to bring a bottle of something or some lovely nibbles to ring in 2026?
Good Luck, whatever you decide
And another thing, I bet they've told their kids that you're the one with money and if cards are played right..........

catin8oot5 · 01/12/2025 14:27

This almost sounds unbelievable. Sorry OP. Tell them all to get fucked.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 01/12/2025 14:28

Brefugee · 01/12/2025 14:09

tell them that anyone who will bung you 20 quid a head (10 for kids) by 15th December is welcome. Everyone else can stay away...

I think that’s excellent, though a bit on the low side for the cost, imagine if they were going to a pub or restaurant for Christmas lunch, even without booze!

RobinEllacotStrike · 01/12/2025 14:32

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 01/12/2025 14:28

I think that’s excellent, though a bit on the low side for the cost, imagine if they were going to a pub or restaurant for Christmas lunch, even without booze!

Show quote history

I think its a bad idea - everyone will simply turn up regardless.

PotatoPrometheus · 01/12/2025 14:38

I'd save your money and spend it on a lovely Christmas holiday away from the family

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 01/12/2025 14:41

Maybe do as your sister said and don't make a big deal out of it. when they turn up have nothing for them.

gallivantsaregood · 01/12/2025 14:51

Book you and your immediate family, ie your kids/partner a nice pub/restaurant lunch, and tell the rest of the selfish folk you won't be home.

Maria1982 · 01/12/2025 15:01

Shoxfordian · 01/12/2025 04:08

Your family are just too accustomed to taking advantage of your good nature - probably not the only time they do it as well.

Say no, stand your ground op

This! Say no and stand your ground. They will kick up a big fuss and try to guilt trip you.

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