To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

An unpleasant experience yes, a sever injury? No. You do seem to be creating extra drama over the Christmas thing. Just don’t babysit again if you feel you don’t want to.

It does make sense, because it gives nephew the message that it’s not acceptable to hurt OP. At the moment no one has given him that message. So it will absolutely happen again.

I’d go for Christmas, but I think a potentially violent teenage boy isn’t someone I’d be babysitting.

Exactly: he can control himself when he wants.

I don’t have an opinion about discipline but he certainly has the capacity to apologize for hurting you and state what his plan is for not doing so again. He is 14 and has capacity given his kickboxing and school behavior.

I think , however, your sister and family have identified sister and child as the permanent victims/identified patients. You are already being accused (selfish) of failing to prioritize them, rescue them, protect them. Your family is operating within a drama triangle model and the only available roles are Victim/Rescuer/Persecutor. If you try to say that in this instance you were hurt (victim) they will mob you and insist that you are persecuting your poor sister and her little boy. No one will rescue or protect you. Be cause they have decided it is your sister who deserves all that.

Its a sick family system and you will quickly be shunned if you try to stand up for yourself.

Are you able to say what it was about this incident that was different for you to any previous ones?

Is your sister scared of him or is this behaviour rare?

When I was 14 I was sleeping at 3/4am on a weekend! 😂 10:30 as a treat seems reasonable and I see why OP thought that was fine.

I’m sorry some of the PP’s are minimising your injury OP. It looks painful but I do agree that your nephew exercised a degree of control with that bite. Given that he’s in mainstream education and was able to have some control over his actions when in a state of overwhelm would mean that I would fully expect an apology from him and your sister needs to be enforcing this.

It’s unacceptable that your family expect you to be on the receiving end of violent behaviour with no consequence because he is autistic.

I think you need to trust Mum’s judgement on how to deal with her son, she is the expert.

Autistic children thrive on routine and having a different person putting them to bed would be extremely unsettling. I don’t think you should babysit again if you don’t empathize with the difficulties faced. The injury looks very minor, but you seem hell bent on expecting the child to be punished in revenge. Do you not understand that autism is a communication difficulty and this was the child’s way of expressing their upset at the situation. Mum dealt with it well by speaking to him about it. You’ve handled the situation badly, sulking and acting childishly.

It came so out of the blue and it has genuinely really shaken me. I felt so scared and jumpy for the rest of the night and still don’t feel 100%

You have my sympathy op: biting is an awful thing to endure. It was a professional hazard in my line of work and after a point I couldn’t keep exposing myself.

However I also think you’re being unrealistic about what’s possible here. Punishments after the fact are not going to have much impact. It’s almost like punishing someone completely different, than the person who committed the offence

She spoke to him about it and he identified that he was overwhelmed. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but articulating the context is part of learning to manage the build up of overwhelm. That conversation may have been far more on point than you’re giving her credit for, especially if you’re expecting a serious sanction.

He’s 14 and it’s a really tough age. Hormones and puberty come into play too. Ds is 17 now and a lot of this has settled down, as he’s learned to see the build up before it becomes overwhelm. 14 was tough. Really tough.

There’s very little you can do with a child that’s actually in overwhelm. The trick is to catch it much earlier, to identify and avoid triggers, to pad stressors with regulation inputs before and after.

He was already dysregulated when you arrived. His dm was probably right about needing to stick to the routine, but her presence is part of that routine. TBH you were put in a very unfair position, but everyone is on a learning curve here.

A totally valid concern, OP. Ignore the nitpicking.

Since he’s started kickboxing it’s been incredibly rare for this to happen

I was going to say the same and that, to me makes it more concerning not less because I have to wonder how much he CHOSE to do it.
I certainly wouldn't be doing any more care or being alone with him. Not sure about christmas. In my training I also worked with people who were violent. It was in a psychiatric hospital and there were certainly people that knew they could intimidate staff because they were known to be violent. I should say this was some 45 years ago.

That what happens? Does he bite your sister and niece too?

I would want him disciplined for that, too. I'd punish mine for it, overstimulated or not. That Ipad would be history. I wouldn't do Christmas with them either, fuck that for a lark.

Thankfully neither of mine bite, 3 year old is hard work as very rigid in her little routines but would never let her get away with that. Older one just slopes off with headphones if it gets too much for him.

My third bit me once as a toddler and I was so shocked that I slapped him upside the head and called him by our horses name. ( Usually the only bitey fuckers around me are ponies so I reacted on instinct and swatted at him.) He was so surprised he let go, started laughing and then couldn't remember what he was tantrumming over. Never did it again though.

I just feel as though by her saying that the reason is because he didn’t want to go to bed, the blame is being put on me for attempting to do what I was there to do. Like I should’ve known better almost? I just expected her to do something that made me feel as though my concerns have been listened to. He’s in mainstream education and is usually able to cope with a lot more than this.

sometimes parents are not always the experts- they can sometimes unwittingly allow dysfunctional routines to develop
I do wish people would stop saying child - this is not a 2 year old we’re talking about

Ah yes, Op, open yourself up to more abuse from this kickboxing teen who is taller and bigger than you.

Zero empathy for OP, eh?

Well said

I don’t know if he always bites but he can get incredibly angry. Throwing things, shouting, swearing, slamming doors. There always seems to be an excuse for it though

Have you told her that you won’t be babysitting again?

You wouldn't be unreasonable to refuse to babysit again. I do think you're unreasonable to cut contact with your sister and nephew. It is for your sister to decide how to parent, her disabled child, she will know better than you on what is the best way to manage him. It seems a bit like blackmail, you want him to be punished so are withdrawing from family to try and force your sister in to doing what you want.

I’m not victim blaming, and 14 isn’t tiny no, but children with ASD have ….additional needs. Which may be more sleep, or a certain bedtime. The sister should have specified when to OP if this was possibly a contributing factor. I have an almost 13 year old with ASD and have him asleep for 9.30 as I know how he will behave with less sleep. I’m not ignorant to the situation.