To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

Of course 10.30 is a reasonable bedtime however for a child with autism who was on technology that sudden switch to go to bed now would overwhelm mine, they would lash out. It's hard to explain but there would be just enough self control not to do anything too serious but they would want to lash out and hurt because they can't cope with their emotions in that moment. I've had black eyes, deep scratches. Punishing doesn't actually help because they already hate themselves for losing control and a punishment just seems to perpetuate that anger. Understanding and support, talking it through and suggesting other ways to handle situations like that (and that's a 2 way conversation because I made mistakes too in the way the event got triggered first). Acknowledging what we can both do going forward to stop it happening again.

Taller than you, almost adult strength male, attacking and not letting go, I would be frightened too, OP, and you are not in a situation like a school or somewhere to get help or know the right protocols to deal with this. It's 'only' a bitemark this time- what about next time?

Don't babysit (wrong word, he's not a baby) again. I would go for Christmas as you won't be on your own.

Everyone saying it's only a small thing, children just get overwhelmed, I think knowing your own child and being able to handle this is key here, I've come up against one of my teen children when they were very angry and I would never never ask another adult to do it. If they did that in public or to other people, it would be assault and not this minor 'that's just what happens in families' type event. You aren't trained to de-escalate and you don't know him and his strength and behaviour patterns, and no-one cares now, it's just excused.

I feel sorry for your sister as this has the markings of being awful for everyone in the future, including the son who is tacitly being allowed to express his now considerable strength against women carers around him and who isn't in a safe environment to do so.

Will mum still be the expert when, maybe aged 17, he bites, kicks or thumps his girlfriend?

There are a lot of violent men around, they didn't suddenly lick it off the floor and become violent when they were 16, you know and most of them have according to you, "expert mums."

I really hope it is men writing some of these victim blaming posts and not other women.

Stay away from this violent male and don't be shamed into thinking-as so many of us that you must accept it because he had a reason...in this case overstimulation. It is not ok and he is of an age to know it is not ok and so is your sister and your mum.

Sister didn't give a bedtime so yes, this is victim blaming. Teenagers can have alter bedtimes than younger children. That's obvious.

Yes. I said I won’t put myself in that position again and that I’m not really feeling like going over for Christmas because I can’t guarantee my safety. She’s tried to guilt trip me by saying that if I don’t babysit she won’t have a night off ever, and that I’m ruining Christmas.

Yeh my 2 year old has come home with bite marks worse than that:

it's fair enough that you would never baby sit him again but refusing to go to Christmas just feels like you are trying to punish everyone for not sharing your perspective on how to best manage this..

"I think you need to trust Mum’s judgement on how to deal with her son, she is the expert."

She's obviously not, is she! She thinks it's Ok for her son to bite his aunt.

It’s the next time that worries me.

What if next time it’s me and he lashes out? Or if he hits his sister? Or god forbid a girl at school turns him down or something and he is physically violent?

At 14 that's not a defence.

"Yeh my 2 year old has come home with bite marks worse than that:"

Presumably from another toddler. If it was from a 14 year old, I doubt you'd think it was OK.

It sounds to me that your sister should have changed her plans rather than have you babysit a potentially and known to be violent teenage boy because he was overstimulated. At the very least she should have left you completely clear instructions as to the evening’s routine.

She is hugely at fault and my guess is she knows it.

I understand that she’s having a difficult time thanks to her arsehole husband bailing, but that doesn’t mean she gets to endanger her sister and then brush it off.

If the alternative is spending Christmas on your own, then I'd spend the day with them but I would never babysit for him again. If his sister is OK then I'd offer to have her in my own house, but I wouldn't put myself in the position of caring for him on my own.

You're not taking into consideration his needs. This is just inappropriate as a response. I also think you're being petty and ridiculous to refuse to go to Christmas.

does your mum ever look after them?

Well that's deeply unfair of her. You're not ruining Christmas because you don't want to be harmed.

Voted YABU just because it shouldn’t stop you visiting over Christmas, surely your nephew will be supervised at all times. YANBU to never babysit again

And there we have it. Your value is as a babysitter, not as a sister.

I think I’d rather do it at this point. My partner has extended an invitation to his family Christmas though and to be honest I’m considering it

It’s not obvious with SEN children

Are you fucking serious? You think police would charge an autistic 14 year old for biting his aunt? You're on another planet.

Very rarely. Funnily enough she thinks it’s too much of a risk because he could overpower her!

And you don’t actually give a shit about OP’s safety and wellbeing at all, do you?

I thought he was nearly the same height as you. Now he’s 2” taller?!

good solution. I think your sister trying to guilt you is unforgivable.