To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

It’s around the time my niece got tired and went to bed so I assumed it was fine. I don’t have kids and now that they’re teenagers I thought it was a nice little treat of a weekend. Aunty babysits so they can have a little longer out of bed. I didn’t realise it was wrong

if that is true, that is appalling.

This lad is 14. Do police no longer take male violence towards women seriously-what if he breaks her neck next time because, you know, he's over stimulated?

Just talking to him might be enough. And the deficiencies of the police are not my fault.

It sounds to me that the real issue here is that you feel uncared for and unprotected.

Youre an adult now, you can care for and protect yourself. What that looks like is up to you. Would you rather have Christmas without your mum and sister? Or would you like to join them and ensure you’re never left alone with your nephew (not asking him interact with you)?

But it's not up to the OP.

Blackmailing her sister into parenting her way isn't going to help anyone.

And the OP just makes herself look very silly being too 'utterly terrified' to join the family Christmas one minute, and good to go the next as long as he loses a bit of screen time.

im not sure what else your sister can do, she’s spoken to him, his explained why he did it, and he knows it was wrong.

That’s not true, though, the nephew hasn’t acknowledged it was wrong.

Yabu about not going for Xmas
Yanbu to never babysit again

I don't have kids, but a 14 year old isn't a tiny child. 10.30 sounds like a normal bedtime. If he's supposed to go earlier, your sister should have told you.

Don't listen to any victim blaming!

I'm sorry that you have had a horrible shock and I hope your arm soon recovers.

Your sister has just lost one of the few people that she could ask to babysit so she will also suffer the consequences of her son's actions.

I think you should be kind to yourself if you are shocked/hurt (e.g. take some time out and relax, cry if it helps) but then I think you need to let it go.

Your sister has had all your nephews childhood trying to manage her son's behaviour and might spend the rest of her life doing that. It might be that one by one her support network drops away like you have. She will suffer enough believe me. No need to turn the screw. Be grateful you get to choose not to care for him again.

Op it’s ok not to want to see your family over Christmas, being being bitten hurts and it is scary because you don’t know what will happen next.

Just take some time, you don’t have to tell everyone, and make a life long decision. Just ask for some space for now.

Is your nephew in mainstream? And has he ever been excluded?

Of course it’s up to OP. she can absolutely absent herself from somewhere she feels unsafe and unvalued.

I would bet money that the nephew will do this to her again at some point.

And yet he can seem to regulate it when he is around other males.

Maybe I am very silly, but maybe as a 5 foot 4 woman having a 5 foot 6 teenager who has been training regularly for the last seven years grab hold of me and not let go despite me begging him to has really shaken me up and I don’t particularly want to be around him or anyone who defends it at the moment

OP is hurt and feels uncared for by her family. I think she just wants some acknowledgment from them that it was wrong. I also think we all need to take into consideration that there's a chance OP could be ND herself and not realise it.

If he did that to a stranger he’d be arrested. Your sister needs to take this seriously. And on another note, please make sure you have washed the area thoroughly with warm water and soap and also put germolene on. If there is any redness or sign of infection, get seen straightaway at A&E. People’s mouths are full of bacteria and it’s surprising how nasty human bites can turn.

Whatever the sister does or doesn’t do OP has no guarantee that he won’t lash out physically again. He’s a strong 14YO and struggles with regulation. She’s entitled to draw her own boundaries, no more babysitting should absolutely be one of them, and if she wants to take that further and not see him at all then she’s absolutely entitled to do that. It’s the fact that she thinks actually she can be around him and Christmas will be ok but ONLY if the sister tells him off exactly how OP wants that makes absolutely no sense to me and honestly sounds quite petty.

You are absolutely not being silly.

This is the standard response to women, to put themselves last.

What could you plan for Christmas, do you have friends or other family you could spend it with? Because the more you post, the more I think you shouldn’t spend it with sis and dneph there.

You are absolutely not being silly.

This is the standard response to women, to put themselves last.

What could you plan for Christmas, do you have friends or other family you could spend it with? Because the more you post, the more I think you shouldn’t spend it with sis and dneph there.

What bollocks!

Which feels slightly more worrying to me

Exactly.

So why does it matter if he loses screen time or not?

How will it change how scared you feel?

Why will it make you suddenly feel safe enough to turn up to the family Christmas?

You’ve summed it up. Not only am I physically hurt and shaken up, but I just feel like it’s another twist of the knife that she seems to think this is all okay, because I asked him to go to bed and he wasn’t ready. If he could explain that to her today, why couldn’t he say it last night?

Because it’ll make me feel as though my sister does actually see what’s happened as serious and I’d believe she’d be willing to step in if something else happened, not just let it go because he’s “overstimulated”