To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

That’s not an “out of control” bite. It looks very mild to me. I work with ASD/SLD teenagers and the bites when they are disregulated are much worse than that.

It looks like he had some level of self control during that incident

Because he needs to know it’s not acceptable. At the moment the message to him is it’s to be violent to OP.

When was the last time he bit a man, OP?

I’d explain to your sister that you don’t want to babysit for the time being. But I think it’s taking if too far not to want to see your nephew. Your sister needs your support. She’s having a tough time while her useless arsehole of a husband has removed himself from the situation.

OP said in her original post that the kick boxing has made a big difference to his behaviour regulation and was suggesting he should be stopped from going as a punishment.

Wtf. Women really are collateral damage to many.

Im pretty sure she does care.

Wow.

Even if his behaviour is “challenged” it doesn’t mean it will change

Too bad, she doesn’t get OP’s support if she doesn’t value OP’s safety.

It's about her sister giving in to the OP and disciplining him because if she doesn't, the OP won't spend Christmas with the family.

She'll know as well as everyone else that if the OP is 'utterly terrified' of him, a little less screen time and kickboxing as punishment isn't going to change that.

I can't really put it into any more simple words here I'm afraid.

Shocking, isn’t it?

I’ve supported her for years but I don’t want to put my personal safety second. He’s only going to grow bigger and stronger from this point forward and I don’t want to risk anything worse happening

If a 14 year old attacks me I'll go to the police.

But at least if they challenge it, it signifies some degree of caring for my safety?

She asked you to put him to bed at a decent time. 10.30 doesn’t seem like a decent time for an autistic child who gets overstimulated. However I don’t disagree you shouldn’t babysit any more if you don’t feel safe.

Astonished at some of the "it's not that bad" replies.

Yes, be quiet, woman-you asked him to do something and this is a perfectly reasonable response on his part.

Doe he bite his teachers, his kick boxing instructor, other boys the same age as him in the class?

If the answer is no, then why should it be ok for him to bite you?

I wouldn't be going to Christmas with them. If your sister had made him apologise, made a big deal of it, then I might re-consider but she has chosen to mix a bottle for herself that she will one day have to deal with, when in a couple of years time he does it to another woman.

He needs to learn by being taught that such actions are unacceptable. Only those with the severest mental deficiencies cannot learn this.

Even if - and it sounds unlikely - he is within this category, you should not be obliged to go where you may be assaulted.

If he isn’t disciplined, he takes away the message that it’s ok to hurt his aunt.

No one can make it simpler for you.

I read this post as the fact that it looks like the boy could control himself to some degree and therefore should be subject to some consequences? Might be wrong though.

As far as I’m aware, he hasn’t. He’s incredible at kickboxing (I’ve watched him before), he listens to instructions and is perfect. He’s the model student. He’s in mainstream education and doing really well. It’s largely at home, around his mum, sister, and me, that this happens

What a victim blaming reply. How much sleep do you think a 14 year old needs?

And what do you think they will do because I can assure you the answer is very little.

Unsurprising. And your sister is reinforcing that it’s ok to hurt you.

Why do they want you for Christmas so much? Are you expected to support them?

I didn't take it as that poster was on the nephews side. I took that comment to mean that the nephew wasn't out of control ( so there was intent ) which is different to a real meltdown where they are out of control of themselves x

I understand you’re upset. I work with YP with autism and when things get physical it can be very upsetting, even if you know they can’t help me.

im not sure what else your sister can do, she’s spoken to him, his explained why he did it, and he knows it was wrong.
i would suggest you educate yourself in autism and the functions of behaviour. I would say maybe don’t babysit if you can’t handle it, but what do you think is going to happen at Christmas dinner? Likely his mum will be managing him, helping him regulate and can support him. Especially as you said this hasn’t happened before.