To ask OH not to work every weekend?

[Frazzled89]

New poster.
Me and my H have three children, aged 7, 5 and 2. I work only part tike two days a week. H has a full time job and has the two days off that i work mid week. He works long shifts so not at work for 5 days but he has worked every weekend almost all year and says it will be the new norm from now on.
I hate to admit but I'm really struggling. He's gone for 12 hours or more every sat and sun and his work days during the week. On weekends it feels like such a heavy load looking after kids and doing everything else, plus bed times are a constant battle. They are lovely children but spirited and honestly wear me out 😅. I am quite isolated as I don't drive and live in a small town. I asked him can he not change one weekend day for week day or just work alternate weekends, but be says he can't. I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things). He says the only way is I give up my two shifts.
He says he may want another baby. I've been asking him to get a vasectomy for three years but he's never made an appointment even. I don't think I could cope with another if he's never here at weekends but then we're getting older (I'm 35 he's 51) so may be my last chance.

AIBU to pressure him to change work schedule or do I have to suck it up and stop moaning? I know many parents have it much harder.

Im not sure if youre being unreasonable or not. Did he choose to work weekends or does he have to work them because hes got days off in the week when you work? What do you think makes it harder at weekends? Does he do his share when hes at home?

You said OH and H. Are you married?

Sorry I didn't really explain that very well! I only work two days a week so there are more potential days he could work to get his hours instead of working every weekend. He never used to work every weekend.

Sorry yes we are married.

Why are you not on the mortgage? Are you on the deeds?

It doesn't sound like much of a partnership.

We moved into our new house a few years ago. Couldn't get on the mortgage because the bank wouldn't accept me as I work part-time and don't earn enough, my husband said they told him this. No not on the deeds but we are married.
He is a good dad and husband when he's at home, I just wish he wasn't away the entirety of every weekend.

@amber763 It's just hard because I have all the kids alone and as well as getting housework done. I know that might sound selfish.

I wouldn't put up with this, he chose to have children and is never there to parent them. Yet he might want ANOTHER child, just why? He's much older than you, sounds like not a partnership of equals. why on earth are you thinking of having more children? Sounds like you also don't have an overview of finances. Do you have equal access to all monies?

Definitely dont have any more kids, you'd just be even more tired.

It worries me that you don't know about your mortgage details. You should be able to find out firstly, how much he earns, secondly how much you owe on the house and what interest rate you are on. Also what the monthly payment is and when the fixed rate period expires.

Is there any particular reason you don't have this information?

If the household needs more money coming in, the logical thing to do would be for you to work more.

The comments about maybe wanting another baby are worrying, especially as he is claiming he can't drop hours due to the cost of the mortgage. That's completely illogical. Children are expensive. Also, he's 51. Who on earth wants more babies at that age?

Unless of course he is looking to keep you stuck at home, and is wanting to avoid looking after his own children and spend any time with you.

Why does he work every weekend? Is this something he's chosen or something that's unavoidable in his line of work?

You're worryingly blind in this marriage. You should have access to and transparency on financials even if you don't contribute to them directly.

We have our own bank accounts, so I don't have access to his and he doesn't to mine. But I do transfer him money for half the mortgage and towards food sometimes.

Unless of course he is looking to keep you stuck at home, and is wanting to avoid looking after his own children and spend any time with you.

This. Part of me wonders if he really is 'working' every weekend...

The bank wouldn't reject you unless you had a poor credit score.

You should have been on the deeds too.

Please tell me you have a joint bank account and access to all finances.

I suggest you arrange for childcare and go out to work more. You need a conversation about him parenting more.

Do not have another baby.

I would check what he has told you regarding the morgage, that doesn't sound correct to me.
I wasn't working and was put on the morgage when we bought many years ago.

Stop having children with a man who isn't around.
I think the relationship sounds controlling and you are isolated.

He's not around but wants you pregnant again?

I think you should talk to Women's aid as it reads as if a bit of coercive control could be at play.

He is so much older than you which is often a red flag for control.

We have our own bank accounts, so I don't have access to his and he doesn't to mine. But I do transfer him money for half the mortgage every month and towards food sometimes.

If you aren't on the mortgage stop paying half of it fgs.

Does he look after the children solo on your working days?

Learn to drive. Find out about the mortgage (if you're not on the deeds why are you paying half the mortgage?). Sit down and do some sums on your outgoings, and see what's going on. Absolutely do NOT have another baby!

Why are you paying half the mortgage when you work two days and your DH five and he's told you that the mortgage company said you didn't earn enough for you to have a joint mortgage, OP? For your marriage to be a partnership, you need to expect transparency over finances.

How are you paying half the morgage working two days?
That is financial abuse.

Definitely call Womens aid and they may direct you to the police.

I'm confused. How many days a week in total does he work? If its 5 and he has 2 off in the week then I cant see what the issue it's tbh.

He works three to four because he does long shifts. I don't expect him not to work any weekends but it would be nice if he had one or two weekend days off a month or so which is entirely possible

This isn’t true. You’re married and your income can combine with his for total affordability even if it’s small. Did you speak to a mortgage advisor yourself or was it only him? How on earth are you paying half the mortgage working 2 days when he works full time and you work 2 days? I think you’ve got some bigger problems here.

OK so why is it more difficult for you at weekends

My credit score is good I think. This is what he said the bank told him. No we don't have a joint account, my wages go into my own and his go into his account.

I just struggle with having no support and feel it would be nice to have support from him once in a while. I'm obviously not a good mum though.