To ask OH not to work every weekend?

[Frazzled89]

New poster.
Me and my H have three children, aged 7, 5 and 2. I work only part tike two days a week. H has a full time job and has the two days off that i work mid week. He works long shifts so not at work for 5 days but he has worked every weekend almost all year and says it will be the new norm from now on.
I hate to admit but I'm really struggling. He's gone for 12 hours or more every sat and sun and his work days during the week. On weekends it feels like such a heavy load looking after kids and doing everything else, plus bed times are a constant battle. They are lovely children but spirited and honestly wear me out 😅. I am quite isolated as I don't drive and live in a small town. I asked him can he not change one weekend day for week day or just work alternate weekends, but be says he can't. I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things). He says the only way is I give up my two shifts.
He says he may want another baby. I've been asking him to get a vasectomy for three years but he's never made an appointment even. I don't think I could cope with another if he's never here at weekends but then we're getting older (I'm 35 he's 51) so may be my last chance.

AIBU to pressure him to change work schedule or do I have to suck it up and stop moaning? I know many parents have it much harder.

Not when it's every weekend and it's the only time we can spend as a family together. He is out of the house often more than 12 hours. And his days off the kids are at school and nursery anyway. Again, the issue isn't that he works weekends it's that he works both days every weekend and that's not in his contract he just doesn't like to kick up a fuss. I feel like people on here think I'm being selfish unless I am which is kind of why I posted.

Oh, I absolutely didn't mean that you were unreasonable. I was just trying to figure out if the reason he works every weekend is because the extra money is desperately needed or if you would be fine without it. I guess it's hard for you to know since you haven't been given any insight to the family finances.

This is very strange … and I don't think correct. You are only reassessed at remortgage stage (I believe). Something about this whole set up doesn’t seem right. 4 children would be a lot , for you at this time.

Why are you just listening to what he’s telling you? It’s clearly a lot of bullshit, have you ever actually looked into any of this yourself? I’m quite shocked at your naivety and your willingness to just swallow whatever he tells you.

Why do you keep saying you’re unreasonable or a bad mum when absolutely no one has said that?

your self esteem is on the floor op which is why this probably highly abusive man - from reading between the lines - picked you.

no, op, you do not have another baby with him.

you need to find someone to talk to in real life about all this stuff - because your marriage is completely unhealthy and unequal - pretty damn quickly before your children grow up thinking it’s normal.

Are you actually married op? Please don’t tell us it’s one of those religious type ones that don’t actually mean it.

This. OP , I’m on all the bills and mortgage but I’ve never paid anything towards them, I do work and pay other stuff and I was a SAHM for a time when I contributed nothing financially but I’m on the deeds.

I really feel you need to get your head around your family finances, you’ve been fed a line there and get on the house deeds. Definitely no more babies …

No-one on here has said you are being selfish. What people are saying is that you are being taken for a ride and are possibly in a coercive relationship.

Currently, then, you have no time together as a family, you are paying 50% of the mortgage despite working only 40% of the time your husband works, you do the housework, you are isolated as you don't drive, your DH decides how many children you have but doesn't spend time with them, and you have no access to your DH's bank account. That's a summary of what have you have told us. The selfish one is your DH, calling all the shots.

@Frazzled89 Perhaps you could work more to facilitate your husband working less? I work Sundays to bring in extra income as well as a full working week.

Do some critical thinking here op - do you imagine over a 25 year mortgage everyone has to contact the bank every time their financial situation changes? For me, I work a different amount each month, that would be every month.
So, no, op, you don’t need ti do this. He is lying.

Believe me I've tried! Had numerous conversations about him dropping a few hours and me doing an extra day or night but he says we wouldn't be able afford it (although u think we would) and he would have to be re-assessed for the mortgage and he does not want the faff.

Sorry OP but step 1 is to get clued up. You don't know your credit score, you don't know what he earns compared to you, you don't know why you're not on the mortgage or the deeds.

I'm sorry to push this point, OP, but it may be important. When you say you are married, are you sure you are legally married under the laws of the country you are living in? What form did the ceremony take?

Hes lying to you. About not being on the mortgage due to working part time and also about having to be reassessed for his mortgage if he changes his hours.

Also you mentioned you transfer half of the mortgage to him but you only work two days? No way this is fair unless hes paying out a lot more for everything else. Absolutely do not have more kids with this man.

Youre not being unreasonable or selfish!

Could you point out the poster who has said you’re selfish or anything like that? Because no one has.

All anyone is saying, is that your husband sounds like an arse hole and that you sound vulnerable, naive and taken advantage of.

I'm not on the mortgage because of my low income at the time. My husband has told me this many times and got very angry screaming last tike I brought it up, accusing me of not trusting him. I don't see why he would lie and he seemed to be telling the truth.

Agree. This is absolute bollocks. I've had current mortgage for 5 years during which time my income has changed by about 100k pa and DH has lost his job, got a new job, gone PT and retrained. We didn't tell them anything, they only care if you stop paying. Mortgage is assessed at the time of making the agreement not every time something changes. Honestly you sound 18 not 31.

@Frazzled89 I'd suggest you could work extra but on those days the kids are his responsibility. Why should they be solely yours? Is he happy to look after the kids generally?

He does pay all the utility bills and insurance to be fair. And whatever he needs for his car.

If he's denying her involvement in or information about the mortgage I'd say that's financial abuse.

I don't think you're being selfish wanting him to spend some weekend days with the family. But I do think that him not putting you on the house deeds and keeping you in the dark about the mortgage/finances is deeply worrying.

By the sounds of it, you're not on the mortgage because your husband lied to you about how mortgages worked. I'm really sorry you're married to someone so horrible and controlling. He screamed at you for wanting legal title to the house you part half for? Having him around more at the weekends should be the least of your worries.

YOU ARE BEING ABUSED BY YOUR HUSBAND.

step 1 to help is realising that.

You don’t see why he would want to legally be the sole owner of your house, while also making you pay half the mortgage? 🚩🚩🚩

I bet he doesn't. He wants to keep you under his control.