To ask OH not to work every weekend?

[Frazzled89]

New poster.
Me and my H have three children, aged 7, 5 and 2. I work only part tike two days a week. H has a full time job and has the two days off that i work mid week. He works long shifts so not at work for 5 days but he has worked every weekend almost all year and says it will be the new norm from now on.
I hate to admit but I'm really struggling. He's gone for 12 hours or more every sat and sun and his work days during the week. On weekends it feels like such a heavy load looking after kids and doing everything else, plus bed times are a constant battle. They are lovely children but spirited and honestly wear me out 😅. I am quite isolated as I don't drive and live in a small town. I asked him can he not change one weekend day for week day or just work alternate weekends, but be says he can't. I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things). He says the only way is I give up my two shifts.
He says he may want another baby. I've been asking him to get a vasectomy for three years but he's never made an appointment even. I don't think I could cope with another if he's never here at weekends but then we're getting older (I'm 35 he's 51) so may be my last chance.

AIBU to pressure him to change work schedule or do I have to suck it up and stop moaning? I know many parents have it much harder.

Yes, they are at school and nursery but obviously he does when they're home.

How much do you earn compared to him? Do you get the same from working two days compared to his 5 because otherwise you shouldn’t be paying half the mortgage.

Same with food, utilities etc.

I actually work all night so get paid enhancements. I dont think it's financial abuse, he doesn't have access to my money for example.

I earn about one third of what he does think, not really sure. I get a good wage only because I work nights. I don't pay towards bills just the mortgage and food and then anything for the kids.

So, you don't know anything about your own mortgage on the house you and your children live in. It could even be totally paid off, couldn't it, and your husband is just trousering the money you transfer...

Take some control of your life, my love. Work out how much all your bills are, and tell your DH that you're going to set up a joint account for bills, and you'll both pay into it according to your proportion of household income. You'll have a bit more money left over each month, which you could save into an ISA so you have your own savings.

Who said you are not anything good mum? Just struggling to see why you need more support at weekends? I know someone will say about school but in reality kids are not at school for nearly half the year anyway

Op sorry but this whole thing is complete red flags. You need to know your own financial situation, what he’s told you about the mortgage is a complete lie and you definitely shouldn’t have another baby with him!

Why are you saying you are not a good mum? Along with what you have revealed about your finances, it's hard not to think you have poor self-esteem.

I guess he makes more money per hour on the weekend and that's why he wants those shifts and I guess you get 2-3 weekdays toghether instead. I do see how it would be more valuable with a weekend day for your older kids though as they are presumably in school during the week.

Re the mortgage/deeds etc. If you are in England it doesn't matter if you are or not since you are married so I wouldn't focus on that. I am not sure if that's the same in NI,W or S though. What you need to focus on is whether you both have the same amount of spending money once all bills/food/kids stuff is paid for.

I’m sorry to tell you this but it is a lie. I was a mortgage underwriter with one of the big lenders for years.
You could’ve been on the mortgage even if you were unemployed. Think about it, if they would give him a mortgage on his income alone, why would they refuse to have you on it when you would be adding more income? Even if it is part time.
Your credit history would have to be abysmal, or you have a ridiculous amount of outgoings for them to decline the mortgage as joint.

OP you need to sort yourself out a bit here, you’re in a pretty vulnerable position, get on the mortgage, learn to drive, maybe get some childcare to work more than 2 days so that you have more of your own money, it sounds like a very unequal partnership where your husband holds all the cards.

Editing as mumsnet posted this twice

That is not financial abuse.

If he works 3/4 days a week, and you work 2, I can't understand the problems? You look after the children alone 3/4 days, he does it 2 days and you are both there 1/2 days together anyway? It being a weekend is irrelevant surely?

We don't get 2-3 weekdays together. I work nights so it works out differently. Sometimes he works two week days and every weekend, sometimes he gets an extra week day off (this is why I have asked him to change one weekday day a month for this week day). You're right about the money but that's not everything. I would have never had three children if I knew their dad would be working from 8 til 8 every weekend. But I'm likely being unreasonable.

I am sorry sweetheart but you are financially naive. The mortgage story is BS. Your earnings would be added to his and the maximum loan would have been higher. You must be on those deeds, you have no right to the house should anything happen. You earn a 1/3 of his but pay half the mortgage. Does he have a will leaving the house and everything to you? And you want him to get a vasectomy but he wants another baby, you are not on the same page financially or future plans wise. You have to agree to the baby it not just his decision. He seems allergic to looking after his own kids. I would sit down , make a list of what advice you need and get it. I feel quite worried for your future as he seems to be in control and you believe everything he says.

It's the marital home. Of course she has rights to it if anything happens

Sorry, if you are married, the house is half yours and you absolutely can be on the title deed and the mortgage without an income - I am and have been for 23 years of married life. Despite this you are entitled to half of it as a) it is a marital asset and b)you are paying half the mortgage.

I second visiting Women’s aid. They can help you get details of the title deed from the Land Registry, and explain your rights. They can also help you explore whether you might like to use some form of contraception (the mirena coil last 5 years). Lie others, I think you are in a coercive controlling relationship with a significant amount of financial abuse if you are paying half the mortgage on a PT wage whilst not actually being party to it and you comment about ‘he may want another baby’ is deeply concerning.

I think leaving him may be an option you should seriously consider. After all, you’ll hardly miss him, will you? And UC etc is there if you need it.

Your marriage is not equitable. Of course you can be on the deeds even if you don’t work or don’t earn enough to contribute significantly to the mortgage. And looking after kids when they are at nursery half the time is easier than looking after them for a whole weekend. You said he didn’t always work weekends - what happened then?

I work every Sunday because it pays more and we need the money. If that’s the case for him then could you work more to bridge the financial gap? Of course it might also be the case that he just enjoys time off to himself during the week. Is he more involved with spending time as a family during the school holidays?

Why do you think you're being unreasonable? The responses here are quite unanimous that you're NOT being unreasonable.

I have offered to work more so he can drop his hours but he says he would have to be assessed fully again for the mortgage and doesn't want the rigmarole.

You work part time and pay half ?
How much do you each earn
You need to get wise
If it is difficult on weekends thenget household help

You dont get re assessed unless you apply for a remortgage

He is spinning you a yarn about the mortgage. All you have to do is pay it.