To ask OH not to work every weekend?

[Frazzled89]

New poster.
Me and my H have three children, aged 7, 5 and 2. I work only part tike two days a week. H has a full time job and has the two days off that i work mid week. He works long shifts so not at work for 5 days but he has worked every weekend almost all year and says it will be the new norm from now on.
I hate to admit but I'm really struggling. He's gone for 12 hours or more every sat and sun and his work days during the week. On weekends it feels like such a heavy load looking after kids and doing everything else, plus bed times are a constant battle. They are lovely children but spirited and honestly wear me out 😅. I am quite isolated as I don't drive and live in a small town. I asked him can he not change one weekend day for week day or just work alternate weekends, but be says he can't. I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things). He says the only way is I give up my two shifts.
He says he may want another baby. I've been asking him to get a vasectomy for three years but he's never made an appointment even. I don't think I could cope with another if he's never here at weekends but then we're getting older (I'm 35 he's 51) so may be my last chance.

AIBU to pressure him to change work schedule or do I have to suck it up and stop moaning? I know many parents have it much harder.

This is 100000% right, you need to get some outside advice and check your status.
You're paying for a house you don't own, which by his reasoning you couldn't be counted for because you earn too little...
But you use that little to pay half the mortgage.

What's the other half (most lilely more than half) of his money going on?

He is lying about the mortgage. All of it. That you couldnt go on and that it will need to be reassessed. Also you are paying him and then he pays the mortgage, so you are not paying the mortgage. I bet my last rolo that he has added himself in there to show to a court that you do not pay the mortgage. Tell him you will start paying the mortgage directly from next month. Have you seen the mortgage statement?

Just his word.

They're married. The house is a marital asset, her not being on the deeds or mortgage makes no difference to her claim on the property. Op it seems the main problem is that you have very little quality time as a family. He's not 'opting out of parenting' as ome pp said, as he's got the kids the nights your working? And as far as being financially abused I'm not sure there quite accurate either. He's paying half the mortgage and all the other bills? So council tax, utilities ect? That doesn't sound that unfair on the basis of your unequal incomes. I do agree with others though that you should know more about the mortgage terms and what is outstanding on it. And if he refuses to discuss it you might have to make some hard decisions about your marriage.

How much flexibility has he really got with work? I work 18 hours over 3 days (no weekend working as my line of work doesn't operate at weekends). In theory that means I could work any 3 out of 5 days, in practice when I work has to fit with when my employer needs me. I think you have to have a really good chat about what you both want from life and why you both work when you do.

not adding you to a mortgage because you are part time is a load of crap. I was part time when the kids were little and I was always on the mortgage.

He hasn't got too much flexibility in all fairness, that's why I don't expect him to have every weekend off. His hours aren't set though so I'm sure be could maybe ask not to work both days every weekend. He doesn't like confrontation though.

He's just got you well-trained not to ask questions by being aggressive, by the sounds of it.

What's the reasoning for another baby?

You're not exactly barefoot but being constantly pregnant can be a form of abuse.

There's seems to be a lot of people calling you H out as a liar. I'm not sure about your situation before moving to this house, but I can tell you from first hand experience that if your husband had a mortgage already and now you want to be added to it, the bank can absolutely not allow it based on your income. It's different if you both apply for a mortgage at the start, they will take both incomes as one amount. But being added to a mortgage already taken out and being paid is very different.

He doesn't like confrontation? You ask a reasonable question and he shouts at you. That sounds like confrontation to me.

You are being very passive OP and possibly downplaying things. Are you scared of him?

It's very unusual to be married, not know your husbands income, not be on the deeds and not know anything about your mortgage..

I hope you had a legal marriage..

I wouldn't be paying half the mortgage if you're not on it or on the deeds, if you split up on.paper you have no right to the house

Like another PP said you need to get clued up on your situation, you seem to only be vaguely aware of anything, it’s a bit strange if I’m honest. I don’t understand if you’re just really clueless or if you’ve been sticking your head in the sand because you know you’re being taken for a fool.

I also wouldn’t be paying half of a mortgage I’m not even on. Absolutely not.

Realistically, do you think he is where he says he is on the weekends? Any way to confirm it?

I am amazed at how many people don't think OP should pay for half the mortgage. I do understand that she doesn't earn the same amount but surely anything that is shared should also be equally paid for. I dunno, I get that it's difficult when you don't combine finances properly. I just can't imagine with dealing with the headache of arguments and discussions about what percentage of everything we needed or wanted to do jointly we should each be paying based on our incomes...

She does the vast majority of childcare and earns 1/3 what her husband does and has no legal entitlement to the house (unless and until they get divorced and she has to seek to recover a % at great legal expense).

Why should she pay 1/2 when she's only earning at 1/4 of the household income? My partner and I earn vastly different sums so pay based on our income and our household tasks etc also reflect that. We own our house jointly. Anything else seems grossly unfair and like flatmates not a marriage.

I'm amazed you hold the view you do. If I worked five days and my partner to, I wouldn't be able to allow my partner to pay 50% of the mortgage because it would be unfair.

When we got together he already had a mortgage and I rented. Then we got married and had two kids. Then we moved to a new house so it was a brand new mortgage. That was the one I couldn't get on. H didn't try to put ne on the one he had when we got married.

The OP has my every sympathy but I don’t think this is a matter for the police

Yes he's definitely at work. Im not sure what else I should be aware of. I know how much the mortgage is per month and I pay half. That is not the issue. The issue is that I am not happy he will be working every single weekend indefinitely.

And it's obvious to most people on here that he's a liar and a bully.

I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things).

You seem to be taking on the role of a child in the relationship rather than an adult.

You should both have applied for the mortgage, even if it was turned down with both applicants. You should have been informed by the bank, not some potentially made up second hand information from your husband. You need to assume control of your life and your finances.

OP, numerous people have told you here that you could have been put on the mortgage. I think we all understand that you have been told things that are hard to absorb but I do hope you will be able to reflect soon and take some action. What you have described is very worrying from the outside yet you seem quite accepting of it.

@Frazzled89but he’s lying to you!
You don’t know how much the mortgage is because you’ve never seen any statements or details so how can you know you’re paying half? You only know what he tells you and some of it is certainly not the truth.
To give an example of how concerning I think your situation is, I could log into the banking app right now and see all the details of our mortgage, the rate, the term, the payments, all of it.
Do you know what bank your mortgage is with even?

Sorry, after re reading my own post I dont think I explained myself properly. I don't have a problem with a difference in the contribution amount. More the attitude that because OP isn't on the deeds she shouldn't be contributing anything. They are married. As in a couple. With a shared life, home and children. I guess I just don't understand why people don't just have a joint pot of money. Why do you need to have his and hers (or what ever combination or people) bank accounts. I just can't imagine deciding to share my life with someone and all the joy that brings if I didn't trust them with OUR money.

Yes I know the bank.