To ask OH not to work every weekend?

[Frazzled89]

New poster.
Me and my H have three children, aged 7, 5 and 2. I work only part tike two days a week. H has a full time job and has the two days off that i work mid week. He works long shifts so not at work for 5 days but he has worked every weekend almost all year and says it will be the new norm from now on.
I hate to admit but I'm really struggling. He's gone for 12 hours or more every sat and sun and his work days during the week. On weekends it feels like such a heavy load looking after kids and doing everything else, plus bed times are a constant battle. They are lovely children but spirited and honestly wear me out 😅. I am quite isolated as I don't drive and live in a small town. I asked him can he not change one weekend day for week day or just work alternate weekends, but be says he can't. I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things). He says the only way is I give up my two shifts.
He says he may want another baby. I've been asking him to get a vasectomy for three years but he's never made an appointment even. I don't think I could cope with another if he's never here at weekends but then we're getting older (I'm 35 he's 51) so may be my last chance.

AIBU to pressure him to change work schedule or do I have to suck it up and stop moaning? I know many parents have it much harder.

I do trust my husband but we've never had a joint account and he's not to keen on it so I'm not going to push it further.

Here is another example of your DH having all the power and you none. Are you frightened of him?

Typo

I’ve been increasingly concerned by your updates.

It doesn’t sound right that you couldn’t have been on a joint mortgage initially as your income would simply have boosted the overall joint income, unless you have credit issues.

Being reassessed for the mortgage doesn’t sound right either. I don’t think that’s a thing, unless he means when the current mortgage deal runs out and he’s looking for a new one. Someone may correct me but I think you get the mortgage based on your income at the time of application and don’t have to go through a reassessment process later.

Even if there’s a valid reason you’re not on the mortgage, you should certainly be on the deeds as (1) you’re married and (2) you’re paying towards the mortgage.

If it was me, I’d want three things:

1. A commitment to move away from working every weekend.
2. A full rundown of the family finances.
3. Being added to the deeds.

ETA: What does he do that supposedly requires him to work every weekend?

@Frazzled89 as in you’ve seen documentation? Or has he just told you it’s Barclays (for example)?
My point is that unless you’ve seen it with your own eyes you don’t know anything unfortunately, you only have what he says to go on and you can’t trust him.
I know it must be a shock but you really need to know what’s going on with the roof over your (and the children’s) heads.

Then, simply, you are beyond foolish and beyond helping.

This sounds really difficult for you. I wouldn’t put up with it and certainly wouldn’t be persuaded to bring another baby into the mix without substantial changes

The mortgage and deed are a big issue but, leaving that aside, he insists he will continue to work all weekend, every weekend, indefinitely, but also wants you to give him another child. That is extremely problematic as, with four kids, you will have a much harder time increasing your earning capacity, will become even more financially dependent on him, and also will be doing even more solo childcare for an even longer period. He is treating you as an incubator. Why are you ok with this? What is your plan to avoid being backed into a corner where you are pregnant again and are looking forward to yet another 10 or 12 or 15 years of being unable to rest, EVER, because you are looking after four kids by yourself.

You are in an extremely vulnerable situation and you seem to be terrified that you would be unreasonable if you made the slightest objection to his incredibly selfish demands.

Because I guarantee the OP’s earnings are restricted because she does all child related activities. Not only will she have suffered when on maternity leave, she’ll also be limited because he gets to to work when he wants to.

I’m sorry but you need to open your eyes. I’m afraid he’s lying to you about the mortgage situation. Your part time income would have been a positive contribution when it comes to affordability. It sounds like he just wants the asset to himself, yet still wants you to contribute. The fact that he’s screaming at you when you ask him just solidifies the fact that he is lying to you. I’m sorry that you’re having to live like that!

In all honesty, it sounds like he simply doesn’t want his weekend to be ‘family time’ with three young children and a wife - he actively prefers to work. If he’s at home, he’s expected to do things with them and give you a rest, isn’t he? He’d rather not do that, or he’d be doing it. He doesn’t have to work every weekend - it’s simply a cop out from being a father. Am I being harsh?

you don’t need to have any salary at all to be on the mortgage and deeds, I’m a SAHM and I’m definitely on both (I did all the paperwork and admin for it) and had zero income, it just means that you borrow a specified amount based on multiples of his single salary. It sounds like he has been truthful to you about this?

Im sorry but he obviously doesn’t want to take a day off at the weekend as it’s such hard work with 3 children, and he isn’t getting any younger he probably finds his work easier! He is working to his own agenda here. If you have extra income use it to make your life easier, cleaner, extra help maybe

Well he’s lying about the mortgage - you can go on a mortgage with a low income. They just combine the two incomes and class it as household income. And I can’t see why he would need to be re-assessed for the mortgage if he dropped his hours. A mortgage is valid for the life of its term (15 years, 20 years etc). No re-assessment needed.

Sorry OP that post wasn't a dig at your relationship, I was purely responding to someone's post and I was trying to explain my opinion. I actually think everyone's obsession with your not being on the deeds but still contributing to the mortgage is irrelevant. People seem to think he must be bullying you despite your insisting he's not.
I actually empathize with your original problem. I had to work weekends for a few years. It sucks. I hated it, my wife hated it. Sometimes needs must. But at the first chance I had I changed it. I get that just switching jobs isn't always something that can be done. It's easier if like me, you don't earn a lot because there's never the worry of a pay cut.
But I do think you should talk to your husband. Find out exactly why he doesn't want to change. I get that he might not like to rock the boat at work. I can empathize with that too as a consummate people pleaser. But if you explain to him that it it will inevitably leave your relationship strained. Even if it doesn't feel like it now, it will eventually.

Register Your Matrimonial Rights With The Land Registry

OP, how do you know how much he earns? How do you know you’re paying half? How much do you have left at the end of the month? You said you pay for things for the kids, is that everything because that can mount up in a month. Also, do you have savings, pensions etc?

I'm not foolish I'm just trying to keep the peace. I have mentioned it several times over the years but he either says he will and nothing happens or he isn't too keen.

This is absolutely not true. You cannot be just added to a mortgage regardless of income anymore.
They will absolutely compare OP's low income with the total mortgage value. And based on changes to lending policy and increases or decreases in equity can absolutely refuse to allow you to be added. That exact thing happened to my friend and his wife. He had the mortgage solo for 10 years before trying to add her and despite the loan to value being much better than at the start, she still couldn't be added.
As for the reassessment I think that only happens if you were to tell them. Obviously they can't take the money back. I suppose what OP might have meant her H meant was that when they come to the end of any fixed term they are on, there is always a reassessment and you could possible be penalised for a substantial change in circumstance.

He lied it’s as simple as that he lied about it

and he sounds financially and emotionally abusive

I don't think he meant that. He stated that any change in circumstances (I.e work hours) would have to be approved again by the bank and he would have to inform them if he dropped his hours even by a few.

Yep another lie

do you really think given how banks work nowadays they remotely care

Check your own credit score.
Stop being passive.

No bank asks you to tell them everytime your salary changes..only if you applying for a new rate.

He is a liar and has you bullied into shutting you down by screaming at you.

You are in an abusive marriage.
But if you are ok with that, you cannot be helped.

He is definitely lying about the mortgage, deliberately keeping you from a straightforward equity share, though by paying half you are acquiring an interest. I feel he is lying about what he is doing in HIS weekends ...I doubt he is working every weekend. If he is employed he would have annual leave. Sorry OP, if this post is genuine - you are being played.

Why do you trust him when:

1. You now know he's lied to you about why you're not on the mortgage and deeds (unless you think literally everyone on this thread is wrong)

1. When you questioned him he literally SCREAMED at you

Well obviously he does have annual leave! I meant apart from being on annual leave he is expected to work every weekend.

I may have got entirely the wrong end of the stick here....but do you have a nikkah? If so, did you have a civil marriage as well?

ETA i know you only wanted to know how to get your husband to be at home at the weekends sometimes... but you have no power to get him to do anything, because he plainly has no respect for you. Your best bet is to start working more hours, and stash money away whenever you can. Unfortunately, your husband isn't your partner.