To ask OH not to work every weekend?

[Frazzled89]

New poster.
Me and my H have three children, aged 7, 5 and 2. I work only part tike two days a week. H has a full time job and has the two days off that i work mid week. He works long shifts so not at work for 5 days but he has worked every weekend almost all year and says it will be the new norm from now on.
I hate to admit but I'm really struggling. He's gone for 12 hours or more every sat and sun and his work days during the week. On weekends it feels like such a heavy load looking after kids and doing everything else, plus bed times are a constant battle. They are lovely children but spirited and honestly wear me out 😅. I am quite isolated as I don't drive and live in a small town. I asked him can he not change one weekend day for week day or just work alternate weekends, but be says he can't. I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things). He says the only way is I give up my two shifts.
He says he may want another baby. I've been asking him to get a vasectomy for three years but he's never made an appointment even. I don't think I could cope with another if he's never here at weekends but then we're getting older (I'm 35 he's 51) so may be my last chance.

AIBU to pressure him to change work schedule or do I have to suck it up and stop moaning? I know many parents have it much harder.

He is a very sensitive person
Is he indeed? Seems like he uses anger to intimidate and control you, keep you in the dark and keep you in your place. That is not 'sensitive'.
so the conversation is shut down.
Of course it is. He doesn't want you to rock the boat. He has protected his interests and would like you 'barefoot and pregnant' to some extent. The age gap is telling; you are in some weird parent/child dynamic with him.
You will not get far with challenging him unless you educate yourself and seek support. You sound like a surrendered wife tbh and I wonder if you're both part of some religious community with restrictive sexist views so the man will always be the boss and make all the key decisions alone. Are you happy with that?

Are your family Jehovah's Witnesses?
It would also explain why your mum defers to your husband too, telling you to accept what he says.
He is lying to you and financially abusing you.
Stop paying half the mortgage and refuse to contribute until you are added to the deeds.
In the meantime, use the money for driving lessons.

@Frazzled89 I grew up in the Pentecostal church and so glad I left as an adult! Best decision ever! . I saw so many women shafted by men. The women in the church I grew up didn’t drive , worked part time, were vulnerable and naive !. As your parents are so religious, they won’t be able to support you as they’ll get shunned from the church, but do you have any non religious friends who you can confide in?

You can be on the mortgage and deeds without working so not sure what your husband is talking about? Do you know how much the mortgage is? Have you seen any payments? I would get your tube tied as you don’t want to be come even more vulnerable .

Good luck

@Frazzled89you keep saying that it’s not a problem you not being on the deeds as you are married. But what happens when he dies? Are you aware what his will states? I would take a guess that he has not shared the contents of his will with you. I really hope you will tell us I’m wrong.

His reaction to the money conversations was extreme.

I think there is at least a possibility here that there is an issue such as debt or gambling that you don't know about.

Why is he keeping all the financial information from you? What would it reveal if you saw it?

@Frazzled89 this is excellent advice!

My eyes have been popping out on stalks reading your posts. Stop blaming yourself for being selfish, aggravating your husband's "sensitivity", and allowing yourself to be financially controlled & gaslit... he knows EXACTLY what he is doing. It is no small task to start taking the achievable, incremental steps to get yourself in a better position in this relationship-for your own sanity and the good of your children. But you NEED to start taking them!

First stop I'd make is the GP. Your "D"H doesn't need to know about this one & it's very achievable to do, this week, during his working hours, nothing to discuss. Talk through your contraceptive options. Best ones are likely to be an IUD or contraceptive arm implant I would think. Basically nothing he can sabotage or hide. Not giving another 18 months of your life as a brood mare to this man & creating yet more financial commitments for the next 20 years has got to be your top priority! You've got enough on looking after your existing 3 children.

Then go to CAB or a local property solicitor for a consultation as @Velvian suggests above. Finding out who legally owns the properties you live in now & lived in before, and which company the mortgage with either/both of them is with (if he still owns both) is key. It's publicly available information, but given your lack of experience, either of these organisations can help you (first one for free, second may have a £100-200ish fee depending on your area, so ask how much each step will cost in advance). Then discuss with them registering an interest on the property deed for your house. You don't have to be on the mortgage to be on the deeds. At your next remortgage, even if you don't get added to the mortgage, you could take the opportunity to legally own your house 50% (without relying on divorce law to achieve a share). The mortgage is a separate contract to borrow money & does not have to be the same names as the ones on the deeds. It isn't done in half an hour, but it is REALLY not the big deal that your husband liked you to think it is for all these years!

The 3rd thing I would suggest is asking someone at work in a similar role what the gross weekend and weekday pay is for the role your husband does. That will give you an idea what his income is without the whole toddler hissy fit of trying to find out by asking him. CAB can give you an idea what the take home pay would be based on some basic assumptions about pension.

Then go to a mortgage advisor & find out what rates would be available for your combined take home income on your house. For the amount to mortgage, you could assume 80% of your original purchase price when you bought it, less 3 years of paying off a 20 year mortgage (as I doubt your husband would have got a 25 year one at his age when you moved in). This will be some big-lump guesswork, but it will get you up the knowledge curve without invoking any further fury at home. It should come up with a rough monthly cost for your remortgage next year - even if it's only on a 15 year term due to the primary earner's age.

Compare that number to what you are paying half of at the moment. At this point, I would not be AT ALL surprised if you found you've been transferring more than half the existing monthly mortgage cost after all. Your husband is absolutely financially abusing you (not sharing all family costs fully in proportion to your earnings, not disclosing his income, savings, pension arrangements, your household mortgage details, not contributing to children's clothing etc etc). It would not surprise me at all if he has substantial savings accounts or a whopping pension you know nothing about.

Meanwhile you are left trying to entertain 3 children for 28 hours every weekend on a shoestring budget, and reliant on public transport to get anywhere.

So my suggestion for the next conversation with your husband once you're armed with all the above information would be:

1. When is the mortgage renewal due? Can I be involved with talking to the broker & seeing all the income & outgoing information in the 3 months leading up to that please. And I'd like to be added to the deeds if not the mortgage when it goes through, for security for the children. I need to know more about this, as you're getting on a bit now, and with the stress of you working so many weekend shifts and the business being so reliant on you, it is responsible for me to know this for the children's sake so we're not stuffed financially if you had a sudden heart attack or something.
2. If you're not prepared to switch your working arrangements to have AT LEAST 2 weekend days a month at home (personally I'd say at least 1 day every weekend, but you seem more flexible on this!), what I will be doing is cancelling the transfer for half the "mortgage" payment each month, as the bank has assessed that on your income only, so you need to pay it from your income only. I need my income so I can raise our children with some worthwhile things to do every weekend, even if they have an absentee father. To do this, I'll need enough driving lessons to pass my test ASAP, and to be able to cover trips out/regular clubs etc for them to do. So I'll be keeping that money for them from now on!
3. If he says 2 is unnecessary, tell him you're having 2 consecutive weekends away in January, so he'll need to book annual leave/swap shifts for those weekends. Let him do 4 weekend days with sole responsibility for the children. Don't cook for him in advance, leave him a list of washing etc tasks that need to be done. Take his both sets of car keys with you. That should improve his perspective of why you don't want to be doing every weekend alone in your current circumstances. See it through. Go to your Mum's, a friend's, whatever. His perspective of the impact of him 'looking after' the children for 2 days (nightshifts!!!!) in the week versus you having all 3 for all the waking hours EVER weekend is utterly rosy. You need to take some significant action to knock the scales from his eyes!!!
4. Ask what savings he has. I don't for one minute expect him to be honest. But say that you've been reading about women widowed unexpectedly and you're concerned that if it happened to you, you wouldn't have enough to cover household costs for the 3-4 months to ensure everything was paid for for the children until probate came through. So you'll be putting your income into savings in your own name rather than transferring half the mortgage until you've got £10k tucked away in accounts you can access in your own name if you're not on any shared savings accounts/named on the mortgage & utilities etc
5. 4 is absolutely the most concerning real world issue for you (other than your H being a secretive, power-centric twat, obviously!). The what-if issue of not being on the deed, mortgage, electricity bill, savings account & not having any savings in your own name really comes home to roost if he suddenly has a heart attack or gets hit by a bus. Positioning things that you don't want to suddenly become some emancipated feminist & do all the household finances BUT you are aware that you need to improve your own financial education so both you & the children are secure if he was suddenly taken ill/in a coma etc is what a loving & caring husband and father would 100% WANT for his own family.

Good luck with it ALL!!!

The main problem is not weekends, though they sound very difficult, and if you're solely financially responsible for paying for all activities on weekends that's another thing that's very unfair.
But the main problem is that you can't work because of the DC, while also paying substantially for them, putting in half the cost of a mortgage you're not in and don't know details of, and not having any the information about his income and savings. How do you even know the payments are what he says? Convenient for him if they are set to go up a lot... Maybe he'll just pocket the difference, how would you even know? Meanwhile you can't afford outings.

The reason this is very likely to be financial abuse is that you alone are suffering the loss of income and many costs for the DC and he isn't , but they are his DC too. He gets all savings and can work and earn more, unencumbered by DC. Costs, including reduced earnings, should be shared. And so should savings and entertainment for DC. Sounds like saving to learn to drive is on you alone! That's totally unfair.
But the main problem is that your DH lies , shouts at you too shut down reasonable conversations, and completely avoids any financial transparency. He's got you stuck. He's hoarding what should be shared money. He may even have taken other steps to prevent you accessing resources in the event of a split. This is all not ok.

We moved house in 2014, and I wasn't working at all. We still got a mortgage based on my husband's salary but I am on the mortgage and deeds. You were working part-time when you bought your home, so for your husband to say you couldn't go on the mortgage or deeds because you 'didn't earn enough', is bullshit. He didn't want you on the mortgage or deeds! I suspect he thinks if you were to separate, he'd keep the house because it's solely in his name. However, you are married, and unless finances are ring-fenced prior to marriage, there is no 'his' assets, they are joint. Why are you paying half a mortgage you aren't on, when you earn much less? You aren't paying in proportion to your salary. Why is your husband working every weekend? Is this his choice or because he's been told by his line manager? He looks after the children on his two days off in the week, but they're at school/nursery so he's actually getting an easier ride than you, who has to have them two whole days over the weekend. I suspect that your husband is choosing to work all weekend, every weekend - I'd also be wondering if he's actually working. Your husband is barely home to spend any time with his children or you. You are struggling to cope with 3 children, your husband is 51, is barely at home but wants another baby. Your husband wants to keep you at home, and another baby is the perfect way of doing this. He has you trapped at home, oblivious to finances, unable to drive and isolated in a small town. Do not under any circumstances have another baby with him.

This is a very sad situation and could be seen as coercive control. As a woman I cannot imagine what you are feeling.
This is little about whether he is working weekends or not but much bigger issues.
The reality is that if he wanted he could be more flexible but he chooses not to be.
It is concerning on a number of levels.

1. Your DH puts no value on your role in childcare.
2. DH shouting when confronted with questions avoids him answering.
3. Your inability to do more hours will impact your pension in the longer term.
4. It appears as if your needs are not considered in this relationship while his is a priority.
5. Marriage is about sharing and equity, this is not apparent.
6. If you have a daughter what kind of role model do you think she is observing in you.
7. Have you asked DH if he is content with the relationship right now.
8. DH may be a good father but is he a good husband?
9. Leaving things as they are where do you see this marriage in 5 years time?

10. You need to consider you and your needs. Your children learn from you and what do you think they are learning from what they are seeing. I would suggest it is how you are silenced in this relationship. Looking at all the threads in this there are consistent views. You are lucky that people hear have taken so seriously what you have said and willing to give their honest opinions.

I hope your conversation with him goes well. You have mentioned in previous posts that he is ‘sensitive’ and you tend to be ‘passive’ . I’m just wondering if these words could be swapped with intimidating’ and ‘submissive’. I might be wrong but please think about it. You deserve better than this treatment and I hope you find it in you to act like an equally deserving partner in this relationship.

You shouldn't be on the mortgage unless you are also on the deed to the house. Otherwise you just owe money, but you don't have access to the corresponding asset. I also wonder if you are paying the mortgage money directly to the lender or just to your husband. If the latter, then there is no proof you are contributing to the mortgage.

I think you need to prioritize saving some cash/money so you have options, because this man is not looking out for your interests. If you can save some money, you could use that money to pay for driving lessons, a divorce lawyer, a financial investigator (to find out how much money he is hiding from you), a deposit for an apartment in case you need to leave, and so on. So the priority would be: what can you do to save some money. If that means you stop contributing to the mortgage, then how do you do that? Where do you open a bank account in only your name where he doesn't have access, so he can't steal whatever you manage to save? And so on.

This guy is so secretive, controlling and time-shy that I genuinely wouldn’t be surprised if this was the sort of crazy situation where he had another family hidden away that he was also splitting time with.

He has life insurance and I am covered if he dies.

Happy to hear that. And I'd be even happier to know that you have that in writing.

Do you know this because he freely told you, or because you asked him? How much is he insured for ie in the event of him pre-deceasing you, what would the payout be? (A grim question all round, but you need to know if you are to have peace of mind.)

Dear OP, you've had so much good advice on here hope you take it. Good luck with the conversation, stand firm. Its most important that you do not get pregnant. Your husband is not tk be trusted. See the GP explain your situation and ask to have your tubes tied or at the least a Coil fitted. Then you can concentrate upon improving things for you and your kids.

If he works in the NHS, he should be entitled to Death in Service benefits for surviving spouse as well. Has he nominated you for this benefit. As I understand it, the benefit can only be claimed if the paperwork has been completed; you won't get anything if it's not completed.

This is my situation which I think is normal , I have to be totally honest with you , everything you have been posting does not sound normal and very much a controlling situation which you cannot seem to understand.

I am married 2 children I work 20 hours per week my husband is main earner as he works full time .
I was a stay at home mum until last year.

My name is not on mortgage as I was a stay at home mum at the time of taking out the mortgage but we did put my name on deeds.
when our mortgage is up for renewal next year my name will be going on the mortgage.

We have separate bank accounts but as well as my wages my husband puts extra money in my bank account each month . Even though we have separate accounts I can look at his bank account anytime I want and he can do the same with mine no questions asked .

I pay for all the food shopping but my husband pays for everything else . We both contribute you our children’s things such as clothes etc .

I am fully aware of all the mortgage details all the utility bills etc, I have all the policy numbers and what is paid etc !

The fact that your husband is acting this way whenever you ask him stuff that you should have full access to as his wife is a red flag and I think you need to wake up to this !!!

This is a form of control and not “normal”

And what your husband has been telling you about the mortgage is not correct !

It’s either a case of him just having totally financial control over you or there is more going on which is why he is being so guarded about it all .

And all the weeks of school holidays as well?

All great advice.. but... if the dh wants to retain his power this all puts the op at great risk of more abuse from him, even physical. I don't feel from what the op has said that he's up for any of these changes... he's in charge and that's that.
Be careful op.

He is NOT telling you the truth!!!! What he is telling you about getting on the mortgage and droppng hours meaning he had to be reassessed is utter rubbish! It's simply not true. And anyway, if he was a supportive partner and was listening to your needs, a remortgage assessment would really be a very simple thing to do in order to make all of your work/ family time balance. It would take about half an hour, tops.

You not seeing why he would lie does not mean he is not lying, he absolutely is pulling the wool over your eyes here and it is very worrying.

Also, you said you pay half the mortgage, plus food AND everything for the kids on 1/3 the wage he earns. So he earns a lot more than you but only pays for half a mortgage and household utilities. His days off are not spent with 3 children 24/7 like your weekends are.

You need to fsct check what he is saying about your finances because he is lying to you, and angry when you try and question it. This is NOT OK.

You said you know who your mortgage provider is, so call them and ask whether they would either be able to add you, or whether they would need to reassess you if your husband dropped 1 day per week

You said you know who your mortgage provider is, so call them and ask whether they would either be able to add you, or whether they would need to reassess you if your husband dropped 1 day per week

No mortgage provider is going to talk with Frazzled as they don't know who she is from Adam, so people pls stop suggesting this.

Anyone can phone a mortgage provider and ask what their procedures are for their mortgage products, what they require in terms of income changes or reassessment to add another person etc. Otherwise, how would anyone know what mortgage to apply for? Of course they won't talk to someone about an account that is not in their name, that's not what I'm suggesting.