To ask OH not to work every weekend?

[Frazzled89]

New poster.
Me and my H have three children, aged 7, 5 and 2. I work only part tike two days a week. H has a full time job and has the two days off that i work mid week. He works long shifts so not at work for 5 days but he has worked every weekend almost all year and says it will be the new norm from now on.
I hate to admit but I'm really struggling. He's gone for 12 hours or more every sat and sun and his work days during the week. On weekends it feels like such a heavy load looking after kids and doing everything else, plus bed times are a constant battle. They are lovely children but spirited and honestly wear me out 😅. I am quite isolated as I don't drive and live in a small town. I asked him can he not change one weekend day for week day or just work alternate weekends, but be says he can't. I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things). He says the only way is I give up my two shifts.
He says he may want another baby. I've been asking him to get a vasectomy for three years but he's never made an appointment even. I don't think I could cope with another if he's never here at weekends but then we're getting older (I'm 35 he's 51) so may be my last chance.

AIBU to pressure him to change work schedule or do I have to suck it up and stop moaning? I know many parents have it much harder.

Your husband is emotionally manipulating you. You want an adult conversation, he has a childish tantrum and guilt-trips you. Please, OP, for your own sake and that of your children, have a look at yourself objectively. You are not in a partnership of equals.

You pay half the mortgage and bills? Despite only working part time! Does he help with kids expenses?

OP I'm going to give you a basic lesson about mortgages.

Mr X applies for a mortgage. His income is £100k/yr. Bank decides on loan based on how likely he'll be able to pay over next 25 yrs. He's the only applicant so if he loses his job, no-one pays.

or

Mr X and Mrs Y apply for a mortgage together. His income is £100k/yr. Her's is £30k/yr. So £130k/yr total. If one loses their job, worst case scenario the other one has a wage still. Better still the partner still working can work more.

Which do you think looks more likely to be able to repay a big loan?

Why would an additional contributor, even on a low wage, worry a lender??

I've never earnt much or been in permanent jobs. I've always been on the mortgages and we have more experience than most of lots of different companies. We own everything 50:50.

You might think everything is in order but it smells very fishy indeed to me. At least you're married...

He's lying. That's why he's getting angry.

You are not being unreasonable or selfish OP. You are asking plaintively for help from your husband and he is making you feel inferior and bamboozling you with "facts" about the mortgage. Get an appointment with a solicitor and find out your options for future of your finances. Does he generally make you happy and look after the children?

He is 100 percent lying to you. That’s not how it works.

what sort of work does he do?

You can't see why he is lying but he is lying. Go see a solicitor. Screaming at you when you question his authority is an abusive relationship. You are very naive and need Women's Aid and a solicitor to get you out of this mess.

It's deliberate isn't it. No one would be forced to work every week end. It wouldn't be fair would it?

No one is thinking you are selfish.

Everyone thinks you are being manipulated. He's controlling your finances, he's controlling your life.

I'm assuming he's working 7 - 7 during the week and then every Saturday and Sunday as overtime.

When is your free time? Do you see friends? Do you go the gym?

On his two days off in the week does he cook and clean do all the kid stuff?

He's lying to you OP. No mortgage company would refuse you, unless your credit score was horrific. And nobody gets "reassessed" for an existing mortgage. All of that is utter bullshit and everyone on this thread has told you so. I also think paying half the mortgage, food and things for the kids when you only wortk 2 days a week is pretty unreal. And why in god's name are you even considering a 4th child when you can't cope with the ones you've got. He won't have a vasectomy because he's keeping his options open in case this marriage fails. Him working weekends is the very least of your worries.

@Frazzled89 your responses aren't aligning with what people are saying on here.

Posters are worried you are being abused, and I agree with them.
Certainly financially
Probably coercive
And possibly in other ways too.

You need professional support

Plenty of part time workers get a mortgage with a full time worker. The bank combines both your earnings as one. How long have you been married?

There are things here that don't add up properly for me.

• he won't give you details of the mortgage (which you are giving him payment towards).
• you don't appear to have spoken to anyone yourself when the mortgage was set up. We did all or most mortgage appointments together. I would think most couples both saw the mortgage advisor/provider together at some point. That makes me feel he excluded you from the conversations on purpose
• they wouldn't discount part time income, just because it was part time. Maybe if temporary but you haven't said that.
• I have gone from being full time, to 21 hours per week, 24 hours per week, 27 hours per week and now 32 hours per week. Our mortgage has never been reassessed in the 20 years we have had it, due to my change in hours
• either you don't earn enough to be on the mortgage, or you earn enough to pay half of it - can't be both.
• we both have accounts, and pay into a joint account for all household expenses. My hours are less, so I pay in less. As my hours have changed, the payment has been adjusted.
• he won't be open and discuss the financial situation with you. Unless he has something to hide why not? You are supposed to be a couple working together.

7 years

Sorry I am with everyone else and there are bigger issues here than working hours.

Why didn't you go to the bank with him to discuss the mortgage? Why is it all left to him with you having to idea? Have you even seen the mortgage payments to know how much is left to pay. For all you know he could be taking your money each weekend and gambling it away.
It's also concerning that you have your own accounts - does he cover your costs for the children?

It's also concerning that you mention you moved house not that long ago to a small town that you say makes you isolated especially as you don't drive. This again scream red flag that this is to cut you off.
You have no idea of how secure your home is, you only have access to your part time wage (and you give a lot of this to him) you don't drive and live remotely. None of this sounds like good choices.

OP, everyone on this thread can see that your financial setup isn’t right. Your DH has been telling you things that simply aren’t true. He’s not pulling his weight as a parent or husband.

yet you seem to be feeling criticised and unworthy.

is there anyone you trust to confide in? Family member, friend, employee support line through work? It would be helpful to you if you realised how you’re being manipulated. That would give you the information you need to re-assess the imbalance in your relationship.

Please OP, call Women's Aid and talk to them about your situation.

I know it must be difficult to read, all these posts. People are concerned about you.

None of what you describe is normal. Nobody thinks you are unreasonable or a bad mum or anything like that.

He has absolutely lied to you, and gets angry when you ask questions. Your self esteem seems to be very low. He's a lot older. He calls all the shots. You are isolated and cannot drive. Those are all red flags for a controlling relationship.

Please get help from people who are trained to support women in situations like this.

I wouldn't be surprised if the bank have a bit of paper (which would have your signature, maybe forged) saying you've waived your equitable rights.

Don't be getting pregnant again, unless you really want to and sort out being isolated. Learn to drive if you can.

I think he may be confusing two things.
When they assess affordability, they can either base it on the earnings of the higher earner, or both together, and I think they sometimes use a higher multiplier if it's on the basis of one salary. So it might be that it was best not to count your salary in, especially if your job was not permanent.
However there's no rule that says you have to be part of that calculation (or even contributing to the mortgage) to be included on the deeds.

At the very least, when your mortgage deal is up for renewal, insist that you go to any meetings with a mortgage adviser "so that you can understand" and ask there if you can be added to the deeds.
(If he doesn't want you on the deeds because he wants sole ownership of the house if you split up, he may be rather disappointed, as it will be a marital asset regardless of whose name is on it.)

As others have pointed out, he's lying to you.

We have had our mortgage nearly 11 years and during that time mine and DH's work situations have changed loads of times, and we've never ever had to "reassess" the mortgage. The thing about you not being on the mortgage because of being on a low wage is a lie too.

I'm so sorry OP, but I'd be asking him for a full breakdown of his finances (salary, mortgage statements, bank account). And if he says no I would immediately seek advice from Women's Aid, and contact a divorce lawyer.

If he is lying to you about this, he's lying about other things too. Sorry.

Yes this is what happened to DH and I because he earned significantly more so the higher multiple on his single salary made sense - but I was on the deeds and I helped contribute to the equity (which I’m assuming you have too)

and you don’t reassess the mortgage everytime your financial circumstances change - the bank will only be interested if you miss a payment

Did you see any confirmation you wouldn’t be approved or just his word?

This is categorically untrue, unless you are in the middle of applying for a new mortgage (as in remortgaging or moving house), and even if that was the case, you can change straight after.

You’re paying half the mortgage for a property you have no claim over? There is no reason you can’t be on the deeds - he’s pulling the wool over you.