To go away at Christmas due to being asked to help with elderly mother

[NotAbabysitter]

I am extremely low contact with my mother due to childhood abuse. I literally send her a birthday and Xmas card each year. I have a strained relationship with my 2 sisters as they have to do all of the care.

This year they have decided that they are splitting the days Xmas eve/day/Boxing Day between the 3 of us????? I have NEVER seen my mother over Xmas since I left home and I don’t intend to. My youngest sister has a new baby and other sister has been unwell this is why they are saying I have to help. I told them absolutely NO. They have said she will be dropped at my house one of the 3 days , I told them I won’t be there I will be away . I now am intending to actually book something as I’m not being held to ransom when they leave her on my doorstep.

They know what happened to me and I can’t understand no matter how difficult their circumstances are this year that they’d think it appropriate to re involve me in this way ?

You don’t have to go away, just tell them that doesn’t work for you and you won’t be involved in bed Christmas.

It must be hard for your sisters with a new baby and having been unwell but it’s not your responsibility. They can always drop her home.

If you have the money, could you pay for your mum to go somewhere for the day? Some centre or something?

I think you do have to go away. Otherwise always they’ll watch your place like a hawk and just dump her.

You are allowed to have cast iron boundaries where your mother is concerned due to childhood abuse.

Tell your sisters that you are going away and they should contact Social Services about respite care as you absolutely refuse to help care for her because of how you were treated during your childhood.

You will probably need to actually go away.

No they’ll literally leave her there I know it and I just don’t want to even be at home now. It’s the threat of it I find destabilising and I’ll be on edge especially as they said ‘one of the 3 days’

Even if I was a millionaire I wouldn’t , not after what was done to me. The thing is my sisters know. I’m 10 years older than them so a lot of childhood stuff yes they were young BUT it carried on so they are aware

Going away sounds a good plan if practical.

How much do your sisters know of your history? Did they suffer any abuse ? Ie do you need a good talk with them / or do you just go away because they should know by now ?

So they sort of know the history but clearly they don’t really understand?

sounds like an expensive Christmas for you away somewhere

I'm sorry you've had such a horrible experience, I'd go away for the three days as well.
Just wondering why do you send a card at Christmas and birthday? Wouldn't it be be best to sever contact completely?

If there’s somewhere in mind you’d really like to go, then do it. Your mum is not your sisters responsibility either, but if they choose to make her so, that’s on them.

I don’t actually know why I do it

I would 100% go away. What on earth do they think they’re doing “she’ll be dropped with you for one of the three days”. They can piss off.

"You know I won't have Mum in my house or help out with her care, and you know why. It's Mum's responsibility to sort out her own care. If you can't do it, it's her responsibility to make her own arrangements."

Your sisters have every right to decide they can no longer 'do' Christmas between them.

They have no right to impinge on you.

If looking after her has become a burden to them then they need to contact adult social care.

Yes, I think you're right, you must actually go away. Can you get away for 5 days, I wouldn't put it past them to try and drop her either before or after the expected days.

You're not unreasonable at all. 💐

Why not make this the year you stop. 🙂

Why should she? Her mother is not her responsibility, and she does want to get involved.

Otherwise lock your doors and call the police if she is left outside or they sit in a car outside your house

you could explain that you will call police and social services if she is abandoned at yours

Abso fucking lutely.

That would be my suggestion too.

I understand why you want to go away, and tbh would probably do the same. However, I’d also use this as an opportunity to spell out to your sisters in crystal clear terms why you will never be stepping in to provide care for your mother, and tell them to arrange respite through social services if they cannot cope but on no account are they ever to expect you to be involved.

If she has Christmas Day with one of your sisters and Boxing Day with the other it's hardly as though she's spent Christmas alone is it? Not your responsibility or theirs anyway. You really shouldn't have to go away. Easier said than done but I think you're going to need tonlay down firm boundaries with your sisters now or you risk finding yourself in the same situation in future.

Tell them you are away Christmas week.
Been nc with my dm for many years. No fire /flood /viral outbreak would have me hosting her for 1 minute.

In fact it never occurred to me to check in on her when Covid was at it's worst.
Park your car elsewhere.. Keep your curtains shut and pretend you aren't home..

Did your sisters suffer abuse too?