To go away at Christmas due to being asked to help with elderly mother

[NotAbabysitter]

I am extremely low contact with my mother due to childhood abuse. I literally send her a birthday and Xmas card each year. I have a strained relationship with my 2 sisters as they have to do all of the care.

This year they have decided that they are splitting the days Xmas eve/day/Boxing Day between the 3 of us????? I have NEVER seen my mother over Xmas since I left home and I don’t intend to. My youngest sister has a new baby and other sister has been unwell this is why they are saying I have to help. I told them absolutely NO. They have said she will be dropped at my house one of the 3 days , I told them I won’t be there I will be away . I now am intending to actually book something as I’m not being held to ransom when they leave her on my doorstep.

They know what happened to me and I can’t understand no matter how difficult their circumstances are this year that they’d think it appropriate to re involve me in this way ?

What us this.about. I dont ubderstand. Is it something like the child was sexually abused by a step parent and the mother turned a blind eye or somethjng ?

Oh this has made me cross!! You suffered childhood abuse and are low contact with your mother for a reason.
Your sisters are now adding to your distress and trauma by being vile. That’s really awful.

I hope your sister with the new baby thinks long and hard as to whether she wants her child to be seeing her grandmother. But I doubt it.

No advice other than I’d do exactly what you’re planning and go away. I’d also consider not being in contact with any of them from here on in. Do you think you could do that? I know it’s not as easy as sitting and typing it and I don’t say it lightly.

I also hope you have support from people in ‘real life’.

You are not being unreasonable, you are protecting yourself - no one else seems to be. Sending you strength and good wishes. Do what you have to do to protect yourself. Xx

Just say no, you're not doing it, and leave it at that. Your mum doesn't need 3 days of Christmas anyway - I'm close to mine and she'll still only see us on Christmas Day. They can do one day each if they choose to, and on the other day she can stay wherever she lives.

If you simply don't answer the door, what will they do?

Tell your sisters you don't want any inheritance from the abuser, and they have to pay for the days they are not there to look after her, since they are the ones who will benefit financially. Not your problem.

So why were your siblings treated so differently to you? Some of the behaviour you found unacceptable must have occurred with them too. On this basis it is your issue, and you have found your solution to it. There is a lack of communication if they don’t understand your perspective. This needs solving. I also wonder how much time you have taken to understand their alternative perspective. You don’t have to agree but you really should take time to listen to each other and respect different views and feelings.
personally I’m not in favour of cutting family off. We wouldn’t necessarily choose them as friends, but they are your family and it’s selfish to be rude or go nc.

Apparently, they will just leave her on the doorstep. If that happens, OP will need to phone the police. If she can afford it, it may be better for her to go away over those three days.

Its hard to know without knowing what kind of abuse, did the other siblings not suffer ir just a blind eye?

They are cheeky fuckers
My DS has always benefitted from being my Mum’s favourite and over the years has enjoyed lots of childcare, gifts and financial
support. My Mum has barely spoken to me.. yet my sister gets annoyed when I don’t help with care etc. You reap what you sow.
Enjoy your break- I’d go to a spa and really treat myself if I was you and financially able. This Christmas give yourself the love you never got as a child.

It is not an unkind disaster for anyone to be alone at Xmas. If you have ever lived in a country that does not ''do'' Xmas - you soon realise being alone that day is not the end of the world especially if it inconveniences others. Why does you M have to have 3 days of visits ??

Her sisters are much younger so maybe they had a different dad who protected them.

It's irrelevant anyway. OP was abused by her mum throughout her childhood and she is no contact. with her It's absolutely not rude or selfish for OP to go no contact with her abuser. Unless you have been the victim of childhood abuse, you are in no position to lecture OP. Your lack of sympathy and empathy makes me feel sick.

Time to cut contact with the lot of them. Enjoy your week away at Christmas!

That's a lot of words to use to completely blame OP for their childhood abuse.

So unfair . Just because they have decided to become her caretakers doesn't give them the right to enforce it on you . Honestly even without your quite legitimate reasons it wouldn't matter. Some people aren't able or willing to do it . I took on the responsibility for an elderly relative but I never asked or expected anyone else to take on the burden or even share it . If I needed extra help , I paid for it out of his own funds with his permission. Your mother must have some funds to pay for her own respite ? And what does your mother think of this plan I wonder . Bet she is not thrilled at the idea of spending time with you if you have such a shit relationship.

I would definitely go away and wouldn’t give them another thought.
so sorry what you have been through.
Go away and enjoy your Christmas.

I would go away if it's affordable and not going to ruin your Xmas....but....are you going to put in this situation again? In which case it's best to bite the bullet and just deal with it this time (enforce your boundaries however necessary)

So why were your siblings treated so differently to you? Some of the behaviour you found unacceptable must have occurred with them too. On this basis it is your issue, and you have found your solution to it.

Do yourself a favour and never say this again. If you don't care about victims of abuse, you presumably do care about not embarrassing yourself by displaying such ignorance.

personally I’m not in favour of cutting family off.

Personally you can do what you like, it's completely unimportant. Personally I'm not a fan of abusing children, or of blaming victims and using ignorant emotional blackmail , but it takes all sorts, eh?

No, they were completely spoilt rotten and held up to me as examples of what I should have been like / told they were prettier etc.

I think you'll have to go away, to get the message across.

They've got the message, they just don't care. Sounds like she'll have to go away to make it physically impossible for them to dump her abuser on her.

I’m waiting for them to say something about inheritance actually, I don’t think they realise that if the do threaten that I’ll get nothing I’m more than happy to sign anything to say I don’t want any anyway. No amount of money could undo the damage done to me. I am fully expecting that will be where they go next though with the pressure they are putting on

Well done for standing up for yourself. I have a friend who also had a very different experience growing up than her siblings. In her case she was a decade younger. There has been lots of pressure to 'step up' but she's held firm boundaries and I'm so proud of her.

In her case she did have a very frank and firm conversation and then said, I will not be discussing this again. Anytime since then if they try it she shuts it down without discussion but she will maintain friendly relationships.with siblings just grey rocks anything to do with the parents.

Would going away be a treat for you or would you rather be at home?

I’d say go away for Xmas. You have given fair warning and by not being there you won’t be scared your sisters are going to drop her off if you’ve gone away. Book somewhere nice that you can afford and by some treats for yourself!

I agree with this approach, and I like the phrase "cast iron boundaries" too. I'd employ that with your sisters OP.

If they are between them caring for their mum that is entirely their decision.

If they would really leave her on your door step then they unfortunately don't believe that you would call either the police or social services.