To go away at Christmas due to being asked to help with elderly mother

[NotAbabysitter]

I am extremely low contact with my mother due to childhood abuse. I literally send her a birthday and Xmas card each year. I have a strained relationship with my 2 sisters as they have to do all of the care.

This year they have decided that they are splitting the days Xmas eve/day/Boxing Day between the 3 of us????? I have NEVER seen my mother over Xmas since I left home and I don’t intend to. My youngest sister has a new baby and other sister has been unwell this is why they are saying I have to help. I told them absolutely NO. They have said she will be dropped at my house one of the 3 days , I told them I won’t be there I will be away . I now am intending to actually book something as I’m not being held to ransom when they leave her on my doorstep.

They know what happened to me and I can’t understand no matter how difficult their circumstances are this year that they’d think it appropriate to re involve me in this way ?

Just in case it's helpful, after twenty five years of doing the obligatory birthday/Christmas and one three hour visit per year following a similar childhood, I decided to drop the rope. Three years ago I wrote and told her and my four siblings that I wished them all well but I was done now. I have never offered or received contact since, and despite my torturing myself for years about whether I'd regret it, I haven't had one single second where I reviewed my choices. It's been sad and painful to begin with, but so much better than the years before. I can highly recommend it. I really feel like my life has started properly.

I agree she shouldn’t have to go away. But doing so might be the thing that makes it crystal clear to the sisters “no, I told you I wouldn’t be doing this, and I meant it”.

I wouldn’t frame it as “oh sorry, but I’ve booked to go away so I’m afraid I can’t help”. I’d directly say “I’ve told you no, however you don’t seem to respect that so to make sure that this does not happen, I will be away.”

If your sisters aren’t understanding that you suffered abuse from the person that they are trying to force you to look after (does she need looking after?) then I would go not contact with them too. Do they not believe you?

Book and go away somewhere op.

Yes, @ShesTheAlbatross I totally agree it's the easiest way to draw a line this time and, as you say, if OP goes away she should be clear with them that that is the reason. I'd still worry though that they'll keep pulling the same stunt every year, also if the mother needs more care in future. They need to understand that wherever OP is she is not part of this care/company plan. (Also that they are not under any obligation to be either should it not work for them)

Sadly I totally agree with this if they don't respect OP's boundaries.

OP definetly doesn't need a good talk with them, they know she's extremely low contact with their mother so they must know at least a bit of what's gone on.

Their flying monkeys

You have the right to say no, and they have no right to bulldoze your boundaries. Personally I wouldn’t be driven out of my own home at Christmas, I would lock all the windows and doors and call the police if they dumped a vulnerable elderly person on my doorstep. But I am a veteran of an abusive mother and a family with no boundaries.

OP definetly doesn't need a good talk with them, they know she's extremely low contact with their mother so they must know at least a bit of what's gone on.

Their flying monkeys

YANBU!
Do what you feel you need to do.

Id keep it short and just say that you won't be available caring for you mother at any point. Remember that you are totally entitled to do that.

Your sisters resent you, but that is their feeling to deal with. They don't have to care for her either. They just don't want to assert themselves and only do what they can and are willing to. It takes something to do that but that is theirs to carry.

You will have to deal with the feeling of guilt when you say no. I'm guessing you are used to that though!?

Book yourself a trip and go enjoy it.

Why should OP pay for that? If that's what her sisters want to do, they can pay for it.

I feel the same. I can't imagine ever regretting going NC. What exactly would I miss out on? My parents treated me horribly and they aren't going to change or see their mistakes. I have peace now and I will never give that up again.

Definitely NBU - go away, tell them you are going away - do not tell them the dates in case they think they can drop her off before you go!

if you ever move i wouldn't give any of them your address.

They can't do that. They can't recruit you just because it's inconvenient for them this year. Their choice is to be part of her life, but you have chosen not to be. Why can't they accept that.

What issues does your mother have that she can't be left alone? Tell your mother that you won't be hosting her, & not to come to your home.

You don’t have to go away … but if you find it hard to say no then you should. You don’t owe her or them anything. Nothing. If they want to stay trapped in their delusion and they don’t care about what she’s done to you … they’re nothing to you. And I know that’s actually really hard because it means you have no one. I know that. But don’t let them use you … and honestly … when the day comes I’d you don’t go away you can’t talk to me… so post here and you’ll get support, I’ll be doing the same thing over the three days so stay strong if you can and post on here because you’re not alone.

You would not be unreasonable in the slightest. I think you siblings are (consciously or not) ignoring your abusive childhood as it is never nice to think your own mother can do that but in your shoes I would make sure to remind them explicitly every time they try to get you involved: « I’m never going to care for the woman who hit me / humiliated me / did x to me, and the fact she didn’t do it to you doesn’t change anything for me ».

Why the hell should she?!?!

If I were you I'd book somewhere, if you can possibly afford it. Let your sisters know that you intend going away for Christmas every year from now on. If they're really struggling I do feel sorry for them (a bit) but it's not your responsibility to help, not by any stretch of the imagination.

This. They cannot force a relationship or responsibility. Their lack of empathy for you is also worrying. You’re doing the right thing by protecting yourself. 🌸

Surely they can't just dump her on you? Be very clear with them that you are away for Christmas and will be away for every holiday from here on in.

Yep, go away. If you can afford it, do an extra day either side as well in case they try to catch you out. I'd rather spend all Christmas in a Premier Inn than be in that situation, although if you can afford a lovely country hotel somewhere then do that.

You can refuse that’s your choice and nobody here is judging you, but for whatever reasons your sisters do not understand why you do not want contact. You needs to re explain your childhood experience and that you do not have contact. They will need to engage professional help