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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go away at Christmas due to being asked to help with elderly mother

306 replies

NotAbabysitter · 30/11/2025 14:21

I am extremely low contact with my mother due to childhood abuse. I literally send her a birthday and Xmas card each year. I have a strained relationship with my 2 sisters as they have to do all of the care.

This year they have decided that they are splitting the days Xmas eve/day/Boxing Day between the 3 of us????? I have NEVER seen my mother over Xmas since I left home and I don’t intend to. My youngest sister has a new baby and other sister has been unwell this is why they are saying I have to help. I told them absolutely NO. They have said she will be dropped at my house one of the 3 days , I told them I won’t be there I will be away . I now am intending to actually book something as I’m not being held to ransom when they leave her on my doorstep.

They know what happened to me and I can’t understand no matter how difficult their circumstances are this year that they’d think it appropriate to re involve me in this way ?

OP posts:
FlyMeSomewhere · 02/12/2025 16:43

TMMC1 · 30/11/2025 15:30

So why were your siblings treated so differently to you? Some of the behaviour you found unacceptable must have occurred with them too. On this basis it is your issue, and you have found your solution to it. There is a lack of communication if they don’t understand your perspective. This needs solving. I also wonder how much time you have taken to understand their alternative perspective. You don’t have to agree but you really should take time to listen to each other and respect different views and feelings.
personally I’m not in favour of cutting family off. We wouldn’t necessarily choose them as friends, but they are your family and it’s selfish to be rude or go nc.

When you've got a mentally abusive relative that tries to play you and your other relatives off against each other I can understand low or no contact, I see my mother about every three weeks but other than that contact is low as sometimes you have to protect yourself from them. Sadly when it comes to things like borderline personality disorders there's not a lot of help out there and the sufferers often don't see the wrong in their destructive behaviour.

Narcparentsurvivor · 02/12/2025 22:16

crazeekat · 01/12/2025 14:08

Get a ring camera. Leave for the holidays. If they leave her on your doorstep phone police and social services. You have given them plenty warning that u are (rightfully) not going to be there and be responsible. And then consider going low contact with them too as they clearly don’t give a fuck how u feel. Don’t let them bully u into this.

Edited

I would seriously think about going no contact as your siblings have no idea what your life was like, @NotAbabysitter
I say this as someone who had no clue just how toxic my parents were for many years. My brother knew, had gone extremely low contact with all of us. Literally keeping a line open in case someone died. No birthday or Christmas cards, no visits, nothing.
I had treatment for PTSD which started with a toxic abusive partner and proceeded into repressed memories of childhood - I went no contact, told my brother and he suddenly started to include me in things. Until I realised what our parents were, he essentially sent me onto the non contact list.

Narcparentsurvivor · 02/12/2025 22:20

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 01/12/2025 18:42

Darling... You don't sound to me like you were doing anything other than being a child. I wouldn't say an overly naughty child either going from what you've said... It sounds to me like she was just not a very nice person and for whatever reason why, she took it out on you when she should have been nurturing you and encouraging play.
I know 'it was a different time back then' but abuse/neglect is not ok whenever it was.
I've been on a journey of discovery for the past 17 months since my ADHD diagnosis and a lot from my childhood came to light. Things my mum said and did that gave me issues for a very long time that these days would be classed abusive/neglected.
It was a different time then.
I'm sorry you've had the childhood experience you had.
You were just being a child lovely.
Your mum was the problem.

Absolutely go away and as others have suggested, go no contact with them.
2026, the cards stop darling x

Take care of yourself 💞

Show quote history

I agree, in fact this is pretty much what the psychologist said to me when I was having treatment.
You, like me, were punished for being a healthy, normally developing toddler. Hugs and thoughts coming your way, @NotAbabysitter

llizzie · 03/12/2025 00:03

NotAbabysitter · 30/11/2025 14:21

I am extremely low contact with my mother due to childhood abuse. I literally send her a birthday and Xmas card each year. I have a strained relationship with my 2 sisters as they have to do all of the care.

This year they have decided that they are splitting the days Xmas eve/day/Boxing Day between the 3 of us????? I have NEVER seen my mother over Xmas since I left home and I don’t intend to. My youngest sister has a new baby and other sister has been unwell this is why they are saying I have to help. I told them absolutely NO. They have said she will be dropped at my house one of the 3 days , I told them I won’t be there I will be away . I now am intending to actually book something as I’m not being held to ransom when they leave her on my doorstep.

They know what happened to me and I can’t understand no matter how difficult their circumstances are this year that they’d think it appropriate to re involve me in this way ?

You have to ask yourself which would make you feel best?

Changename12 · 03/12/2025 14:38

Alloveragain44 · 01/12/2025 21:22

To be honest I did thus to my brother in law. My husband and I had her living at our house. The family didn't realise she'd gone anywhere until she'd been with us for six weeks. I needed a holiday and we'd done years of driving up and down the motorway cancelling holidays, changing continence pads while their lives just carried on as normal safe in the knowledge they would inherit all the money we had saved them in care home fees. I dropped her off on a designated day and came back three days later.
I appreciate the circumstances were different as she wasn't abusive but caring for someone sends you crackers and wd don't always make the best choices.

But nobody had to look after your MIL. It was your decision to look after her. You cannot decide for your BIL.

Tdcp · 03/12/2025 14:56

The situation with your mother is very similar to mine. My mother hated my existence for the most part but she adores my brothers. I've been no contact for 6 years. Please don't send her another card and do go away for Xmas. You will not have a good time being on edge all Xmas waiting for them to dump her on you. Go and have a lovely break away and enjoy yourself x

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