To go away at Christmas due to being asked to help with elderly mother

[NotAbabysitter]

I am extremely low contact with my mother due to childhood abuse. I literally send her a birthday and Xmas card each year. I have a strained relationship with my 2 sisters as they have to do all of the care.

This year they have decided that they are splitting the days Xmas eve/day/Boxing Day between the 3 of us????? I have NEVER seen my mother over Xmas since I left home and I don’t intend to. My youngest sister has a new baby and other sister has been unwell this is why they are saying I have to help. I told them absolutely NO. They have said she will be dropped at my house one of the 3 days , I told them I won’t be there I will be away . I now am intending to actually book something as I’m not being held to ransom when they leave her on my doorstep.

They know what happened to me and I can’t understand no matter how difficult their circumstances are this year that they’d think it appropriate to re involve me in this way ?

Yes I'm sure that'll really teach them to stop trying to force contact on the OP...

Suggest she goes into a home for respite for them

Well if what they're upset about is that they aren't going to get a break when they need it, or they feel unappreciated or resentful, it might go some way towards acknowledging their situation and helping them out, without having to host her abuser.

Anyway, it's not an obligation. Just an idea if she wants to help her sisters out.

This can be the year you stop sending her Christmas cards, unless you have already sent it. If you have then make it the last time. If you haven't then don't.

Agreed. The OP's plan is sensible.

I do know what triangulated means. It means:

• to divide an area into triangles for surveying purposes
• to form into a triangle or triangles
• (in politics) to position oneself in such a way as to appease both left wing and right wing standpoints

I have no idea what you think you’re forcing it to mean in whatever nonsense you’re spouting.

I think you hope that when you say my reaction is telling, I’m meant to be suddenly impressed by your profound psychological insight and realise the error of my ways. But nope, still not falling for quack psychology 😂

I would go away somewhere lovely. I don’t know why but Edinburgh comes to mind!

You will have a horrible Christmas feeling on edge otherwise. And don’t tell anyone where you are going!!

Just book yourself into an Airbnb over Xmas. A nice cottage somewhere nice. Otherwise you’re not going to enjoy Christmas at all as you’re going to be on edge wondering if you’re going to hear a knock at the door and find your mum parked on your doorstep..

Why are you so intent on aggressively giving this poster your analysis of their life? You know nothing more than a few sentences on a screen but you’re being extremely pushy. It makes for uncomfortable reading. I hope you haven’t tried this with anyone in real life, at the very least it’s embarrassing, annoying and intrusive.

What a depressing post.

OP is there any other way you could help out your sisters?
What happened between you and your mum isn't your sisters doing.

In this case - the sisters need to see that they are effectively only children and don't have another sister to ease the burden. What they're doing for their mother is between them and their mother as they had an entirely different relationship than OP did. Her sisters are entirely lacking in empathy to not understand how traumatic it must have been for OP and why she isn't involved. The sisters will no doubt be generously remunerated with an inheritance that OP won't receive (as they were rewarded with kind parents), I don't think OP needs to do anything to support mother/sisters who have never cared about her needs.

@NotAbabysitter this is your moment to lay down the boundaries with your sisters. Stop all the cards to your mother and very firmly let them know that if they drop your mother off your doorstep without permission, you will promptly drive her back to your sisters and leave her on the doorstep. Your mother was manipulative and abusive to you, and now her daughters/your sisters are doing the same. These people may share blood but they are not family and you shouldn't have to inconvenience yourself and leave your home to protect yourself.

In your shoes I would text them:

Dear sisters, I have absolutely no wish of ever being in contact with our mother ever again. I have not been since I left home - which I thought you knew and understood - so I will not be renewing contact now. This is non-negotiable. If you wish to maintain contact with me going forward you will need to sort out your plans with her without involving me. If you raise the matter again, I will consider it harassment. Have a nice Christmas.

I am another who went no contact with her mother for the last 7-8 years of her life over toxic behaviour following my engagement. DH and I decided we did not need her poison or drama impacting our marriage or children. Never looked back. When she passes away I was sad that she had lived so selfishly and died alone, sad that she could have had the love of an extended family who dearly wanted it (I have younger half-sisters). But I never for a moment regretted it.

OP, yes definitely go on holiday. Your sisters do not have to help your mother. If they choose to do so they can. They cannot make decisions for you. In my family, two of us are LC and 1 is not. They were younger and had a totally different life. We still all get on. The difference is that the younger one is male so was never going to do things for our mother anyway. There are carers and homes.

An analysis of their life would of been asking questions about their parents, their siblings, their dynamics.... none of which I did.

And out of the two of us it's definetly not me being aggressive 😅

It's well known that if a sibling who is in contact with their parent is feeling resentful or frustrated towards their NC sibling it's often due to triangluation 🤷‍♀️

And no I definetly don't as I make sure I'm not around naracaissts or flying monkeys. They give themselves away frequently

OP, you haven't said if it's just you, you and a DP, children involved, etc.

BUT - there are some really good, lower-cost (if cost is an issue) options of plaxces to go away to over Christmas. For example, the cottage rental companies (e.g. Sykes) tend to have quite a lot of cottages with one bedroom only at a similar cost to the rest of winter (because it's generally families who want bigger properties and these are a much bigger price).

Go away! Have a lovely time and don't even give your abusive mother any more thought.

I find it strange that we wll go into great detail about some of.the picture but not all of it..While I agree personal things arent people' s business, its nevertheless difficult to give an opinion when you only know half the story..MN is useful for some things, but Im often left feeling some things.are better dealt with on the therapist's sofa. Lets face it. we dont know whats gone on in this family.

No, it definitely is you. You are not coming across well at all, and are offering nothing to the OP with it either.

Why should she? OP had a hideous childhood as the 'scapegoat' child and two sisters who were the 'golden' children. Their mother indoctrinated them with her own hatred and abusive treatment of their older sister. There is no discussion to be had. OP, quite understandably, will not be looking after her mother and she doesn't need to justify herself.

Further up I've offered advice and support to the OP

Funnily enough a narcasists tactic is often to accuse someone of being aggressive as a way to shut them down. Everything I've wrote is here in black and white and none of it has been aggressive

And out of the two of us it's definetly not me being aggressive 😅

You’re persistently giving somebody your ‘psychological’ perspective on their behaviour who’s telling you they don’t want it. That is the very definition of aggressive.

You were a child, doing normal child things. Your mother sounds awful. 💐 And your sisters can do one.

OP, how easily would it be for you to actually go away? What were your plans before this?
I wouldn't let them derail anything, but if going away isn't too difficult the peace of mind it would bring could be worth it!

I'd be quite firm with your sisters as a pp has said "I have not seen mum for x years, and that is not going to change now. It is your choice to put as much time and effort it to caring for her as you think she deserves, I am simply doing the same. She is not welcome in my home.
If she needs to go somewhere I suggest that you contact x y and z to see what support is available over Christmas." (with x y and z being local agencies)

Sounds like sisters have had enough.
You will need to have an honest,open conversation with them which may involve saying goodbye.

@NotAbabysitter What would you normally do for Christmas and what is your own family situation, married, kids, single etc.? I think that might help in deciding how to duck this one.

It's not clear exactly what level of care your mother needs. Is it full on, basic needs, or not much?

If you are single and live alone, have you any close contacts that you could unburden yourself to, maybe they'd have you for Christmas if they are in a position to do so, although TBH I realise this suggestion of "inviting yourself" might not appeal to you.

If you are unable or unwilling to spend Christmas at home by yourself, then you must go away. I can understand completely you not wanting to be at your home even with the door locked and blinds down etc. it's the anxiety of what might happen that is so unsettling.

You have agency. You are showing us that you are NOT prepared to do anything for a person (mother) who abused you. That shows great strength of character. You must follow through now, and even if it costs a whack, consider it a Christmas present to yourself to get away from the situation. The sisters will manage fine without your help. They will have to.

Going forward how are you going to deal with further demands that you chip in with help? Plan ahead for that, this could get more intense as time goes on. If you are in a position to move house/flat make a plan. Go incognito. Sounds dramatic, but it might be the only way to cut contact completely which is what you want. Good luck to you.