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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go away at Christmas due to being asked to help with elderly mother

306 replies

NotAbabysitter · 30/11/2025 14:21

I am extremely low contact with my mother due to childhood abuse. I literally send her a birthday and Xmas card each year. I have a strained relationship with my 2 sisters as they have to do all of the care.

This year they have decided that they are splitting the days Xmas eve/day/Boxing Day between the 3 of us????? I have NEVER seen my mother over Xmas since I left home and I don’t intend to. My youngest sister has a new baby and other sister has been unwell this is why they are saying I have to help. I told them absolutely NO. They have said she will be dropped at my house one of the 3 days , I told them I won’t be there I will be away . I now am intending to actually book something as I’m not being held to ransom when they leave her on my doorstep.

They know what happened to me and I can’t understand no matter how difficult their circumstances are this year that they’d think it appropriate to re involve me in this way ?

OP posts:
Buffs · 01/12/2025 19:28

TMMC1 · 30/11/2025 15:30

So why were your siblings treated so differently to you? Some of the behaviour you found unacceptable must have occurred with them too. On this basis it is your issue, and you have found your solution to it. There is a lack of communication if they don’t understand your perspective. This needs solving. I also wonder how much time you have taken to understand their alternative perspective. You don’t have to agree but you really should take time to listen to each other and respect different views and feelings.
personally I’m not in favour of cutting family off. We wouldn’t necessarily choose them as friends, but they are your family and it’s selfish to be rude or go nc.

Siblings can be treated completely differently. It is not necessarily the case the siblings were exposed to abuse just because the OP was.

BauhausOfEliott · 01/12/2025 19:43

I can see why your sisters are at the end of their respective tethers if they're having to care for your mother, but that doesn't mean you have to step in.

I suspect your sisters simply don't - or more likely, can't - see your situation with your mother in the same way that you do. They grew up with your mother painting a very different picture of things, and I strongly suspect she's continued to brainwash them about you since you left home. I doubt they understand, or will ever be able to understand, what you've been through with your mother if she treated you so very, very differently to the way they were treated.

How would you feel about stopping contact with your sisters? It doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship that you have with them, to be honest, if you genuinely think they would just dump your mother on your doorstep like that.

CheeseIsMyIdol · 01/12/2025 19:55

Buffs · 01/12/2025 19:28

Siblings can be treated completely differently. It is not necessarily the case the siblings were exposed to abuse just because the OP was.

Show quote history

Agree. My mother and her older sister had totally different upbringings to her two much younger siblings. Poverty and abuse vs golden children.

(ironically there was less poverty for the younger two because by then my mum and eldest aunt were working their arses off to help support the family. And got no thanks for it.)

ComfortFoodCafe · 01/12/2025 20:03

Book yourself a fabulous hotel for the 3 days. I would consider if I really wanted to stay in contact with them after this.

Jack80 · 01/12/2025 20:21

I would say no sorry I cant help and you will ignore any calls off them if its about having her end of discussion.

Sharptonguedwoman · 01/12/2025 20:24

Do your sisters or mother have a key to your house? If so, change the locks. By all means send a firm explanatory note to say you are not doing this. Go away anyway, climb a hill, breathe fresh air, forget them.

Arkhamasylum · 01/12/2025 20:32

i understand that your sisters are in a difficult situation. However, this is not your problem
to fix. You need to protect yourself. You’re not that abused child any more - you control your own life.

I presume that they’ve also been brought up to see you as somehow less than they are and even if they have tried to reject that, it may be that that twisted family
dynamic is still in place for them.

From what you’ve said of your childhood, it sounds like your mother experienced some problems. The fact that she chose to take these problems out on you is objectively appalling. You didn’t deserve this. This website is full of mothers describing their children’s challenging behaviour. Who would advise anyone to behave the way she behaved? She should have loved you and protected you and she didn’t do that. And what you’ve described ÷ tantrums, making noise, is just normal behaviour for small children.

You need to take a stand and love and protect yourself. If I were you, I would go away then when Christmas is finished, make it extremely clear to your sisters that if this happens again, you’re going to change your number. You’ve had enough family bullying for one lifetime.

LionelMushroom · 01/12/2025 20:44

No-one is obliged to provide care for another person especially someone who has abused you.

If your mum needs more care than your sisters can provide over Christmas then they need to make arrangements with Adult Social Care.

You do whatever you need to protect yourself.

I’m sure it’s crossed your mind that this may result in cutting contact or losing contact entirely.

NaneePolly · 01/12/2025 20:49

I would leave the country

Frugalfashionista87 · 01/12/2025 20:58

I don’t know the back story on whether your sisters were abused, whether they don’t believe you were if they weren’t, whether they have a form for being so insensitive to how you feel, but no overrated consumerist holiday is ever worth your mental health. Not at all, Nuh-uh, never. Say you’re away (staycation to see friend in UK sounds more realistic), phone on do not disturb and have a lovely day to yourself relaxing.

p.s, I am so so sorry you went through abuse as a child by the one person who is supposed to protect you at all costs 💐🥲

Whatsappweirdo · 01/12/2025 21:02

Stay strong @NotAbabysitter

Frugalfashionista87 · 01/12/2025 21:02

Frugalfashionista87 · 01/12/2025 20:58

I don’t know the back story on whether your sisters were abused, whether they don’t believe you were if they weren’t, whether they have a form for being so insensitive to how you feel, but no overrated consumerist holiday is ever worth your mental health. Not at all, Nuh-uh, never. Say you’re away (staycation to see friend in UK sounds more realistic), phone on do not disturb and have a lovely day to yourself relaxing.

p.s, I am so so sorry you went through abuse as a child by the one person who is supposed to protect you at all costs 💐🥲

Sorry just read your thread and backstory. Why don’t you book a nice little b&b somewhere like Rye, Folkestone, Hastings some place, or even the outskirts of the city you’re in and pamper yourself

maxslice · 01/12/2025 21:12

Go away. Tell your sisters to make other arrangements. You do not need to contribute money. They chose to keep her in their lives. You chose not to. Take care of yourself.

Alloveragain44 · 01/12/2025 21:22

To be honest I did thus to my brother in law. My husband and I had her living at our house. The family didn't realise she'd gone anywhere until she'd been with us for six weeks. I needed a holiday and we'd done years of driving up and down the motorway cancelling holidays, changing continence pads while their lives just carried on as normal safe in the knowledge they would inherit all the money we had saved them in care home fees. I dropped her off on a designated day and came back three days later.
I appreciate the circumstances were different as she wasn't abusive but caring for someone sends you crackers and wd don't always make the best choices.

ForNoisyCat · 01/12/2025 22:20

glendabrownlow · 30/11/2025 14:23

If you have the money, could you pay for your mum to go somewhere for the day? Some centre or something?

If the mother was abusive there’s no reason why the op should pay anything for her .

Lovehascomeandgone · 01/12/2025 22:22

It’s ok to have clear boundaries and I love that you are clear about that. Book something and get yourself away from home. You will have a relaxing time being away and you get a nice little break out of it too. Hold your ground with your sisters, I don’t understand how anyone can be so selfish when they know what you have been through. That’s not family and it’s not caring. Fuck them all and book a few days away.

MyRubyFox · 01/12/2025 22:25

If it were me i would remind your sisters in no uncertain terms what your mother did to you (if you can bear to dredge it up again). Ask if they have conveniently forgotten, and say under no circumstances will you be looking after her. Tell them to arrange care or contact social services.

MRMPen · 01/12/2025 22:37

Can they not contact a local care home for a three day stay over Christmas?

SavageTomato · 01/12/2025 22:56

Fuck them and fuck her. Put yourself first. Maybe for the first time.

SandyY2K · 01/12/2025 22:59

NotAbabysitter · 30/11/2025 14:26

No they’ll literally leave her there I know it and I just don’t want to even be at home now. It’s the threat of it I find destabilising and I’ll be on edge especially as they said ‘one of the 3 days’

Show quote history

You can find a cheap getaway on loveholidays.com

Definitely go away to protect yourself.

Hopingtobeaparent · 01/12/2025 23:09

Ripplemoment · 30/11/2025 16:14

Stop the cards.
Text them both that you do not want your mother near your home.
That you will NOT be at home.
That you refuse to provide ANY care for her.
That you will not have your mother in your home.
That you will involve the police for harassment if they continue.
State clearly that you have no further wish for any contact with your mother due to childhood abuse.

This is your proof to police if they try and involve you.
Go away and stop with the cards.
The cards send a mixed message.

Perhaps call 101 for advice too.
Get a ring door bell that you can access remotely.
Should they try anything you have it on tape.

Edited

This.

Have a lovely Christmas somewhere!

Thalia31 · 02/12/2025 05:54

If they are anything like my family they will drop her off. Best thing to do is go away somewhere nice and forget about them all.

Granddama · 02/12/2025 08:05

PONTINS do a very affordable Christmas break, Adults only of course!

Intrigued20 · 02/12/2025 12:51

There is no way you should have to go away. That means they are controlling you, not on. You have to deal with this head on.

LilacReader · 02/12/2025 13:43

Sadly, I think I would go no contact with all of them. Block on your phone and anywhere else they can get hold of you.

Unfortunately they will dump your Mum on you as long as they know you are in the house - so escape for a couple of weeks if possible and block them all the first day. Have a lovely, peaceful and relaxing Christmas - good luck to you. xxx