To go away at Christmas due to being asked to help with elderly mother

[NotAbabysitter]

I am extremely low contact with my mother due to childhood abuse. I literally send her a birthday and Xmas card each year. I have a strained relationship with my 2 sisters as they have to do all of the care.

This year they have decided that they are splitting the days Xmas eve/day/Boxing Day between the 3 of us????? I have NEVER seen my mother over Xmas since I left home and I don’t intend to. My youngest sister has a new baby and other sister has been unwell this is why they are saying I have to help. I told them absolutely NO. They have said she will be dropped at my house one of the 3 days , I told them I won’t be there I will be away . I now am intending to actually book something as I’m not being held to ransom when they leave her on my doorstep.

They know what happened to me and I can’t understand no matter how difficult their circumstances are this year that they’d think it appropriate to re involve me in this way ?

It's up to your mother, if she doesn't want you to inherit then you don't need to sign anything, she just won't leave you anything.

I'd just tell them once it's not an option, you will not be around, and don't get dragged into further discussion. Then, yes, go away. It's awful that you have to do that but if they really are going to dump your abuser on you otherwise, all you can do is make it impossible. They can't say you didn't tell them.

It would make me extremely anxious not knowing which day they intend to foist her on you, but I’m not sure I’d go away. Why should you spend the money and time away from your home at Christmas? If they do dump her, phone the police re an abandoned old person/social services. No way are you dealing with her!

Its not as simple as 'deciding' to be your parents care taker, she is their mum

I'm sorry, it seems like your mum isn't the only problem. Abusers don't usually exist in a vacuum.

I don't think it's fair that you have to go away but I understand the feeling of panic of them showing up.

Don't be brow beaten into helping no matter how much they try to force you to.

It was just a suggestion if she wanted to give her sisters a break, calm down!?!

Mostly emotional, occasional physical. I was just told constantly I was ugly, stupid etc. that was before they were even born. I was not a well behaved child (I just used to get into trouble things like fussy eating, making a mess in the garden with mud etc, tantrums) I remember just being shouted at all the time for my behaviour so I think I generally irritated my mother so she got stricter and stricter. When she had my sisters she adored them as they were beautifully behaved and she then started comparing me saying they were beautiful good babies (apparently i screamed all the time) they were easy to wean to potty train just everything I wasn’t good at.

They were good at playing and would quietly occupy themselves (whereas as a young child as I mentioned above I was causing mayhem in the garden as I was put out there I think so she had peace and quiet) then I would make a mess / pick all her flowers/ play ball games that annoyed her with the noise of the ball on the wall and generally make her angry . She told me all the time they were beautiful they got lovely dresses and I was so jealous. I begged for the same and was told ‘you can’t make a silk purse out of a pigs ear’ or ‘no point glittering a turd’.

Do they see it in such black and white terms as you?

I have a strained relationship with my 2 sisters as they have to do all of the care.

They don't have to they choose to & if they want a break at Christmas they should have looked/be looking into alternatives, not dumping her on someone who has told them no.

You can tell them you’ll be away. You don’t actually need to go anywhere. I can see that they feel they that they need some help, but they can book respite care privately.

I’m not sure police or social services would help much with this.

Will they really drop their mum off and drive away leaving her on the doorstep? I can’t see that working out for them.

I don’t understand why, if your motjet is elderly enough to need care, your sisters haven’t found drop in paid carers via an agency or a temporary placement in a care home. My very elderly grandmothers would not have physically or mentally coped with being dropped off at relatives every other day anyway, or wanted to be.

Maybe the mother has refused

Absolutely this. What they do or don’t do is nothing to do with you. I would defo go away, not worth the risk of them turning up and everyone’s Christmas getting ruined. I’m sorry for what you went through op. I would stop the cards too btw, just go NC and make sure your sisters know not to involve you in any way with your mother.

Agree
Downright nasty of them both.
Not fair on you (or your mother).
What do they think they are doing?
You can’t play ‘pass the abusive mother around.

I think this is the year you go away and also dont send a card..

Can you turn this into a positive for you?
Is there somewhere you've always wanted to visit?

I think they just got brainwashed by her she would tell them from a young age I was naughty and unkind. Often giving them little treats telling them she was sorry I was so horrible that they would get treats for putting up with me and for not playing with me etc as she didn’t want it rubbing off on them and I think in a way they knew to side with her for self preservation.

Yes, and stop the cards

Why should she?

And I really don’t know what makes me send cards each year I should stop I really don’t know what makes me continue.

Why would she do that when she is low contact and the woman has treated her badly in the past?

I agree 100 %.
Also, OP's mother may have failed to protect her from an abusive person, rather than being the abuser. As OP is 10 years older, this person may have not been around for the DS's.
Or OP may be the unlucky chosen victim - there are many people who suffer abuse, but their siblings don't. For lots of reasons.

Not really anyone's business dude.

Stand firm OP. I think you probably will have to go elsewhere. Let them leave her on the doorstep.

Besides, they might not bloody pick her back up.

I'm fully expecting this crap when my mother drops to bits. I'd rather move house.

Giving birth to someone doesn't automatically make them your defacto carer.

Given that you are "so horrible" she wouldn't want to come to you anyway, would she?

As an aside when you're ready to break those emotional links to the past, know that it is possible.

For the final time, it was just an ad hoc suggestion, I didn't know if Op wanted to give her sisters a bit of a break or anything.

Op, I'm sorry your mum was so spiteful.