To go away at Christmas due to being asked to help with elderly mother

[NotAbabysitter]

I am extremely low contact with my mother due to childhood abuse. I literally send her a birthday and Xmas card each year. I have a strained relationship with my 2 sisters as they have to do all of the care.

This year they have decided that they are splitting the days Xmas eve/day/Boxing Day between the 3 of us????? I have NEVER seen my mother over Xmas since I left home and I don’t intend to. My youngest sister has a new baby and other sister has been unwell this is why they are saying I have to help. I told them absolutely NO. They have said she will be dropped at my house one of the 3 days , I told them I won’t be there I will be away . I now am intending to actually book something as I’m not being held to ransom when they leave her on my doorstep.

They know what happened to me and I can’t understand no matter how difficult their circumstances are this year that they’d think it appropriate to re involve me in this way ?

I think unless you didnt have plans over any of these days then go away.

If you was looking forward to being at home relaxing or had plans with other family / friends then i would probarly stay home at home.

If they turn up with mum I would not answer the door or maybe talk from a window and say No and I mean it or that you are leaving to travel soon so to take her back and stick to it.

If they left her on the door step you would have to call either the police or Social care or both but be adamant that you will not be able to have her.

Give your sisters details and show any texts that you have said you can not accommodate this.

Usuarly respite especially over Xmas has to be requested / agreed few weeks ahead at least.

But if they leave her at yours the police etc will either have to take her home ( if not vulnerable ) or place her in emergency respite.

I think if you dont stand strong and to your word who knows when and how often this will be in the future.

Your sisters are adults and knowing what you went through they should respect your decision to be no contact. If they can’t respect that then unfortunately they do not have your best interests at heart either. You deserve a life filled with love and joy, don’t allow any of them to take any more from you.

Never said it did

Probably not because when a parent abuses only one child the abused child is then scapegoated
The parent triangulates between almost of the children and turns the favoured children against the scapegoat. So no they probably don't see it the same way as OP as they will have been raised to view OP exactly as her mum views her

In my family, it is a sibling who is NC and I’m one of the ones who has a bigger burden to carry as a result. I understand why my sibling is NC, and I certainly never threaten to dump a parent on their doorstep, but I’m also a human being and I do sometimes feel resentment and frustration. I’m not perfect.

I can see where your sisters are coming from, is what I’m trying to say: you’ll just have to maintain your boundaries but if you want to maintain a relationship with your sisters, try to acknowledge their perspective as well.

So they don't think what they're doing is wrong, because they see things differently. Could you meet them to have a frank discussion

There is another way you could look at this…

This is your chance. Your tipping point.
Book the holiday and enjoy it. Stop the cards and cut contact with your sisters. Write to them and be factual. Tell them that due to past behaviours, you no longer wish to be considered as part of the family in any way. Drop the rope and free yourself from all of them.

Your sisters have handed you a golden opportunity.

It's impossible to have a healthy relationship with your siblings when your parent is a narcasist. You feel resentful and frustration because your parent has triangulated you against your sibling. Unfortunetly, with you saying you feel resentment and frustration towards your sibling who is NC... you have shown that you are a flying monkey ( flying monkeys often don't know their flying monkeys )

If you would actually want to go away without this situation then book it. But I think this is a good time to hold strict boundaries otherwise they may end up pulling this kind of thing another time without telling you. Let them know that if they do attempt to then you won’t be answering the door and will be phoning the police/ambulance for her if she is unable to get herself home.

Ah sorry I must have misunderstood what you said when you said 'Its not as simple as 'deciding' to be your parents care taker, she is their mum' what did you mean then?

Just be mindful if they don’t dump her on you sometime over Christmas, they might do so over New Year!

Go and read up on narcasists, triangulation and flying monkeys. OP having a frank discussion will not work against the sisters having spent their whole life being turned against OP. Educate yourself

I think that poster must have some fanily members who are NC with them as they seem desperate to be on the OP's mums side?

I understand where you are coming from with this. I used to but out of the big family gatherings by going away to a non christian country like Egypt, Morocco or India, I did this for a few years then it struck me. I was living in another city - there were no smart phones then and none of my family used the internet or knew I had a mobile. They had no way of knowing whether I was at home or not. So I just TOLD them I am off to X country to get away from things.

In your position I would just double down and not nswer the door. Draw the curtains. Get a ring door bell.

To them she is a wonderful mother , and she really was but to me it’s the opposite. They were treated beautifully. We have the same dad (he passed away 7 years ago) when I was a baby till I was 8 he worked away a lot I think this is where my mother became unkind as she couldn’t cope with me ? When she had my sisters he was in a different job and although it was still very long hours it wasn’t trips away all the time.

Stop the cards.
Text them both that you do not want your mother near your home.
That you will NOT be at home.
That you refuse to provide ANY care for her.
That you will not have your mother in your home.
That you will involve the police for harassment if they continue.
State clearly that you have no further wish for any contact with your mother due to childhood abuse.

This is your proof to police if they try and involve you.
Go away and stop with the cards.
The cards send a mixed message.

Perhaps call 101 for advice too.
Get a ring door bell that you can access remotely.
Should they try anything you have it on tape.

As PP have said, if you do go away your sisters may pull this again? You may have to actually stand your ground if they do dump her on you.

If you want to go away fine, but if you don’t maybe you just need to shut this down by absolutely refusing to let her in 💐

I'm NC with my mum cause she's awful. No regrets (almost a whole year 🎉). My sister is low contact because my mum is horrible to her but she is the eldest sibling so has always been conditioned to resolve things and keep the peace. My brother (middle child) is very ignorant to how my mum is and he's her golden child.

My mum's recently gotten her friends to message asking to let her see the kids because my sister refuses to get involved with my choices (she respects what I've done and said if she had kids she'd 100% do the same). Sadly every one has a different experience with a narcissist. But I would use this as your breaking point to finally pull away completely. Message / write to your mum and sisters and explain you are no longer keeping in touch in any capacity with your mum. If your sisters can't respect that, minimal contact with them.

It's not that she couldn't cope OP, it's that you wouldn't conform. You were not a bad child, you just didn't conform. And you were unfairly punished for it.

My sister/mum are narcasists and I didnt understand the dynamic until they scapegoated one of my children and favoured the other. My mum also did this with all of her children.

It took me watching how they treated my children to realise it was never about me personally as such. My daughter is a people pleaser and wants everyone to like her, so she conforms to them. ( she was their golden child )

My son is the complete opposite and couldn't be bullied into conforming or bribed, so they scapegoated him like they scapegoated me

Your pop-psychology would be SO interesting and insightful if it bore any relation to reality and you knew ANYTHING about me 🤨

My parent is not a narcissist.

They have not ’triangulated’ (WTAF do you mean by that) me against my sibling, who I love very much. It is possible to feel resentment and frustration with those we love unless we’re characters in a Disney film.

I’m not a flying monkey because I’m not a character from The Wizard of Oz.

I’ve got no time for those who spout made up pop-psychology shite and then use it to pass judgement online instead of learning how real, complex relationships function in the real world.

Perhaps OP can offer to find and pay for someone to come and sit with their mother on X day (if that would meet her care needs) so the sisters get a break. She still should go away though.

Why though?

If you don't know what triangulated means how can you be sure your parent hasn't triangulated you 🤦‍♀️

Your reaction to my post is very very telling

I think it sounds like going away (hopefully to somewhere nice for yourself) would be the best plan.

Not only will you enjoy it better and be less on edge all the time, it will help to create and enforce a strong boundary. It will reinforce that you mean business and want nothing to do with her.

If your sisters have had enough of caring for your mother and are no longer able or willing then they must contact adult social services, not you. Your mother made her bed by being awful while you were growing up. Now she gets to lie in it.

To help out her sisters.

She's not obliged to. Just, if she wants to do something to help maintain her relationship with her sisters, it's an option.