To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

[Perimomof2]

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple.
My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs.

Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.

Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

I don’t know why people get all uppity about this.

Say you’re a mum and you’ve worked hard to build a nice home life and future for your children, then you drop dead and your husband remarries… would you honestly be happy that the new wife got all your hard earned assets and your own kids got nothing?

I’d haunt the bastards.

Thank you. I expected to be roasted and accused of being after the money so no surprise there! I do have concerns that our family could be pushed out of any decision making which would be devastating.

They don’t need to get married. Dad can leave half his money to partner if he wants too. But op’s mum would have wanted her children to have inherited money that she works hard for. I can’t imagine how horrified she would have be if her hard earned money went to other people’s children/grandchildren.

My uncle did this, married someone else 3 years after auntie died, and they were married over 65 years. But they, I believe have ring-fenced stuff for their kids.

This made me chuckle! I can quite imagine my DM haunting them both 😂

Doesn't really matter if he marries her, he can give her lasting power of attorney without making her his wife, he might have already done it. He can make a will leaving her everything even if they never marry. If you want to talk about those things then do it but don't imagine he can't sort things out the way he chooses without marriage.

Both in their 80’s.

She could have sorted that out before she died.

I’d make sure my own will was written in a way to protect against this. Not leave a situation where my children have to argue with their father because they’ve assumed he won’t consider them in his will.

But his wife will become 'His family'. She will naturally be involved in decisions around his health and finances.

You don't actually have an inheritance until someone has died.

Have you thought about things from your mums side? Would she have wanted your dad to live alone till the end of his days or would she have hoped he would find another partner?

Do you trust your dad to do what he thinks is right? He has chosen this lady to be his wife and if you don't accept that then you may find you lose your dad. He is an adult, as long as he is of sound mind then you need to butt out. He may want to travel the world with his new wife and spend what time and money he has left being happy.

There is no inheritance till he passes away.

I agree with you OP and understand your worries. Neither me or my DH would remarry for that reason, we want our joint money to unequivocally go to our joint children, and would not put our finances at risk. I have seen too many disasters in the past from poorly drawn up wills and unwise remarriages.. It's not grabby to hope for something from your parents after they've enjoyed their own lives.
Could you talk to your dad about it? We wouldn't mind if our children did. And make sure they don't make mirror wills as they can be changed after the death of the first partner, something my step mother did when my father died. He would have been gutted, he trusted her implicitly.

My mother died on the Monday morning and I went to see my dad on the Thursday and I was introduced to his friend. She was shifty and left immediately so my spidey senses were alerted straight away. She attended my mother’s funeral but stayed out of the way. Two weeks after the funeral they met for a drink, 6 weeks after my mother died my father asked how I’d feel if they went away for a weekend together. I was absolutely floored, as was my sibling. Things went downhill between my father and I from that point, his girlfriend didn’t like me ‘interfering’ and over time she turned my father away from me, telling him he had to chose between me or her.
They have said that I was upset about losing inheritance but it definitely wasn’t, my father didn’t have a great deal of money. It was the fact he gave us no time to grieve for my mother and to find the new normal amongst us all.
We’ve not spoken for 10 years now, in the beginning it was like another bereavement, it changed me as a person I was broken for a while but I’m ok now. I’d have probably come round to things if he’d given it time. Up to you OP, 5 years is time, not 5 weeks like I had….

But marriage in and of itself doesn’t create happiness. The OP is not objecting to the relationship, she is concerned about the implications of a marriage contract. Significantly, the OP, and thus we, have no idea why he has decided on marriage and if he has thought through the implications.

Ans as I said in a previous post, I would hate to think that if I died after 50 years with my husband, everything we built up together, our home, our wealth, our art collection etc, could end up with some random woman’s children rather than my DC simply because my husband decided to re-marry rather than just be in a relationship without marrying.

So many men jump into new relationships shortly after their wives die. What the OP fears about being cut out of medical and practical decisions, as well as the assets her own mother will have contributed to is perfectly fair and valid.

Thank you ❤️

I agree

It's called sideways inheritance and its a real concern

On MN, people like to say it's grabby, but IRL, I think it's entirely reasonable to worry about your mother's assets passing to the children of your father's second wife

I agree with pp you should have a talk with your dad about protecting your inheritance, why the need to marry again in your 80's, can't they carry on how it's been if no issues. I have a family member in her 60's still waiting for her inheritance, the second wife was only married to him for a few years before he died and she's been able to live in the family home that she didn't contribute to well into her 80's.

The mother could have written her will to make allowance for this. Failure to so is poor planning.

It’s not just his hard work, it’s her mother’s too and possibly her mother’s inheritance from her own ancestors.

The thought of me dying and everything going to a new wife and then to her kids, makes me nauseous honestly, it’s terrifying and a family tragedy.

There is no need to marry if you won’t be having children together.

The only way a marriage announcement should be made is. We are getting married and our finances are going to be inherited by our respective kids and we will be documenting this legally.

In the UK we are encouraged to leave estates to spouses for tax reasons too, which compounds te problem.

You don't need to be married to have LPA, I've got it for a relative and we aren't married.

What implications of a marriage contract specifically though? He can give her LPA without being married (and being married doesn’t grant LPA anyway). He can leave everything to her in his will without being married.

And sadly it is not uncommon for this to happen when someone has been widowed, or divorced. Men are only too quick to leave out the children from their first marriage by leaving everything to their wife, who in turn leaves the estate to a later partner or spouse or her children leaving the children from the first marriage with nothing.

I don’t get this post at all. Unlike you with your dad, op wasn’t given anything in her mother’s will.

People will jump on me for this I’m sure but I would find it difficult to see a parent in another relationship, full stop.

Given their ages I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to discuss all eventualities with him. Also given their ages I don’t really see the point in them marrying.

Yes. And she is absolutely right to be!

Of course if OPs DF wants or needs to spend his money then he should. But he also has a duty of care to ensure that assets (amassed jointly with OPs mother) are protected for future generations.

People just need to write adequate wills. It’s not hard.